Lessons - How to Stop Taking Rejection Personally | Nona Jones - Fmr Head of Global Faith Partnerships at Meta & Bestselling Author

WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.191 --> 00:00:05.736
In this lessons episode, discover how rejection can become a source of hope, growth, and greater self-awareness.

2
00:00:05.916 --> 00:00:09.959
Understand why rejection is often more about others' choices than personal worth.

3
00:00:10.159 --> 00:00:19.087
Explore the open framework for processing painful experiences and uncover how finding the lesson in rejection can restore agency and create a stronger path forward.

4
00:00:26.706 --> 00:00:31.929
I mentioned this before we press record, and I think it's just an interesting point, and I want to get your perspective on it.

5
00:00:32.409 --> 00:00:33.029
And I love that.

6
00:00:33.149 --> 00:00:33.690
I love that.

7
00:00:34.530 --> 00:00:42.134
I love that sort of that thought experiment, because it makes a lot of sense when you lay it out, how everyone is, it takes so much.

8
00:00:43.115 --> 00:00:49.018
There's so many coincidences or however you want to call it, that we're alive here living today.

9
00:00:49.899 --> 00:00:51.160
it almost seems impossible.

10
00:00:51.800 --> 00:00:56.624
I think statistically it is almost impossible that we're alive living here today.

11
00:00:57.305 --> 00:01:04.271
But I think that a lot of people, they don't have spirituality and I think less and less people have God in their life.

12
00:01:05.192 --> 00:01:08.755
And maybe not just speak about

13
00:01:11.204 --> 00:01:19.950
Speak about if somebody does not have God in their life, what problems do they run into when facing rejection?

14
00:01:20.170 --> 00:01:24.333
Is there ways that God's spirituality helps?

15
00:01:24.413 --> 00:01:29.577
I'm sure, because you've mentioned that it's impacted your life twice just in this conversation.

16
00:01:30.117 --> 00:01:33.079
But if somebody doesn't have that peace in their life...

17
00:01:34.180 --> 00:01:44.378
What is the puzzle piece or the component that they're missing that they should try and solve for to make some of these difficult life events a little bit easier?

18
00:01:44.787 --> 00:01:52.491
I love this question because what I can tell you, first of all, I did not grow up in a church going home.

19
00:01:52.611 --> 00:01:57.974
Like I didn't grow up in a situation where I just knew about the Bible or Jesus or God or any of that.

20
00:01:58.895 --> 00:02:03.417
I had my own encounter, my own awakening, my own experience.

21
00:02:03.517 --> 00:02:04.718
And what I will tell you is.

22
00:02:05.538 --> 00:02:17.869
I had my own awakening in the middle of being abused and not, not the act, but I'm saying in the chronology of my life, the abuse was still happening.

23
00:02:18.590 --> 00:02:22.413
And so what it did for me is my awareness about God.

24
00:02:23.454 --> 00:02:28.238
There's a, there's a verse of scripture in the Bible that says it's in Romans chapter eight, verse 28.

25
00:02:28.378 --> 00:02:32.742
And what it says is that God will work all things together together.

26
00:02:33.282 --> 00:02:36.285
for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.

27
00:02:37.006 --> 00:02:52.400
What that says to me and what that even said to me then is this situation may not be good, but God has made a promise to work it together for my good, which means I have to figure out what is the good in this?

28
00:02:53.280 --> 00:02:58.685
Like that, that what is, what is the kernel of good in this that could serve other people?

29
00:02:59.586 --> 00:03:04.868
I think what spirituality does, what faith does, is it gives you an anchor for hope.

30
00:03:05.828 --> 00:03:19.452
In the absence of the belief that all things will work together for my good, you can get so fixated on the bad and what happened that you lose sight of this will eventually work together for my good.

31
00:03:19.792 --> 00:03:28.315
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next year, but I know at some point I will look back on this situation and I will be able to say, oh, that's why that happened.

32
00:03:28.755 --> 00:03:32.838
I think about, my God, I think about the rejection of my mom.

33
00:03:33.238 --> 00:03:35.580
I think about the many times I was cheated on.

34
00:03:35.980 --> 00:03:40.563
I think about professional rejection, like deep, deep rejections that I've experienced.

35
00:03:41.344 --> 00:03:46.488
And every single experience has worked together in some way for my purpose.

36
00:03:47.328 --> 00:03:49.450
And for the ability to serve other people.

37
00:03:49.530 --> 00:03:56.196
And so even if a person doesn't have a faith or spirituality, I do think that what we ultimately need is we need hope.

38
00:03:56.797 --> 00:04:00.220
And that's why the gift of rejection is really a message about hope.

39
00:04:00.300 --> 00:04:01.601
It sounds crazy, right?

40
00:04:01.642 --> 00:04:03.683
It's like, how could you say rejection is a gift?

41
00:04:04.284 --> 00:04:07.207
But understanding that it is, is a source of hope.

42
00:04:07.667 --> 00:04:12.392
And I take my hope for my faith in God and just knowing that it may not feel good.

43
00:04:12.952 --> 00:04:17.435
But it will eventually be good if I just continue and persevere in this situation.

44
00:04:17.535 --> 00:04:18.916
I think that's beautiful.

45
00:04:19.056 --> 00:04:25.561
But I think the biggest issue with lack of faith or spirituality or God, and I love this.

46
00:04:25.861 --> 00:04:27.482
I don't love this concept, but I love...

47
00:04:28.703 --> 00:04:36.749
Sort of this thought experiment is when you do not have God or spirituality in your life, something else becomes your God or your spirituality.

48
00:04:37.229 --> 00:04:46.917
And it could be money, it could be women, it could be gambling, it could be drugs, it could be alcohol, it could even be work, which is technically not...

49
00:04:47.788 --> 00:04:50.429
a vice, but it can be all-consuming.

50
00:04:51.009 --> 00:05:02.494
And when shit hits the fan, none of these things really give hope because they're not things that you, they're not things that kind of like exactly what you described.

51
00:05:02.874 --> 00:05:05.135
They let you see some potential better future.

52
00:05:05.435 --> 00:05:07.516
They're just sort of these vices in the moment.

53
00:05:08.036 --> 00:05:09.337
And I think people, yes.

54
00:05:09.697 --> 00:05:10.477
You're absolutely right.

55
00:05:10.878 --> 00:05:18.161
We actually all do have a place that we look to for hope.

56
00:05:18.342 --> 00:05:22.464
Some of us, and you use the exact right word, is like our God is something.

57
00:05:22.684 --> 00:05:25.185
For some of us, our God is frankly ourselves.

58
00:05:25.785 --> 00:05:29.487
Like we're like, look, I've got it all figured out and I'll make it happen and I'll make it.

59
00:05:29.687 --> 00:05:36.031
But there comes a point where you just realize that you've exhausted all of your personal resources from,

60
00:05:37.252 --> 00:05:45.940
And you need that higher power to be able to kind of re-infuse the sense that, yeah, I can't do this on my own.

61
00:05:46.261 --> 00:05:46.701
I can't.

62
00:05:46.761 --> 00:05:50.865
And I have a bunch of friends who are atheist and agnostic.

63
00:05:50.885 --> 00:05:54.649
And I'll always joke with them because I'm like, you guys actually have more faith than I do.

64
00:05:54.869 --> 00:05:59.914
Because you have to have a lot of faith to look around at all this and be like, eh.

65
00:06:00.655 --> 00:06:27.700
came from nowhere you know you have that so we all have faith in something yeah no that's that i love that i want to just a framework that people can at least walk away with um and i'm just going to caveat with this so uh so the book is out now um so you can get it wherever you get your books like we'll put we'll put the links in the show notes and whatnot um but one framework that you speak about is uh the open framework

66
00:06:28.861 --> 00:06:34.839
So I just want to leave people with a framework they can take away, and they're going to go dive into the book and learn a little bit more, obviously.

67
00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:36.002
But I want to unpack that one.

68
00:06:36.968 --> 00:06:47.598
Thank you for even offering me the opportunity to do this because one of the things I am very careful about as a writer is I don't ever want people to read my books and just be like, oh, that was nice.

69
00:06:47.698 --> 00:06:50.061
I don't know what to do with it.

70
00:06:50.681 --> 00:06:59.850
Honestly, one of the reasons I write my books is because I want people to be able to have practical tools that they can apply that I had to discover on my own because I couldn't find it anywhere else.

71
00:06:59.870 --> 00:07:01.312
So the open framework,

72
00:07:01.692 --> 00:07:11.521
is it's essentially kind of a four-part framework that will help you really start to get intentional about understanding what is the gift in this rejection experience.

73
00:07:11.561 --> 00:07:14.223
And so the O stands for observe.

74
00:07:14.243 --> 00:07:28.656
And I talked about this a little bit earlier, but what you wanna do is when a rejection happens, before you allow yourself to mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually spiral into your normal rabbit hole, you want to observe what am I thinking and what am I feeling?

75
00:07:29.908 --> 00:07:34.590
What are the thoughts that are just automatically playing in my mind?

76
00:07:35.070 --> 00:07:39.612
What are the feelings that are just automatically cascading through my body?

77
00:07:40.172 --> 00:07:45.595
And when you kind of pause and you actually think about the thoughts, like metacognition, like you think about the thoughts,

78
00:07:46.668 --> 00:07:50.050
you're actually able to then begin to pinpoint where did this come from?

79
00:07:50.971 --> 00:07:56.535
Where did this belief that nobody wants me, where did this idea come from?

80
00:07:57.616 --> 00:08:04.620
And once you can actually pinpoint where the idea came from, now you have something that you can start to work with, okay?

81
00:08:05.101 --> 00:08:10.745
And it's important to pinpoint it because until you identify where it comes from, you'll think it's you, okay?

82
00:08:11.605 --> 00:08:21.736
You'll think this was just my own thought, but I promise you 95% of what we think after we experience rejection was seeded into us by words somebody else said.

83
00:08:22.076 --> 00:08:23.577
So start with observing.

84
00:08:24.078 --> 00:08:27.401
Secondly, what I encourage people to do is just pause.

85
00:08:28.062 --> 00:08:28.763
Just pause.

86
00:08:29.103 --> 00:08:31.245
Don't allow yourself to act.

87
00:08:31.645 --> 00:08:38.132
Because sometimes what we'll do is the pain will be so real that we'll just want to either get back at the person immediately.

88
00:08:38.772 --> 00:08:42.075
We'll want to take some sort of action to try to, you know, nullify the pain.

89
00:08:42.676 --> 00:08:44.097
No, just pause.

90
00:08:44.498 --> 00:08:46.219
What I do is I pause and I pray.

91
00:08:46.239 --> 00:08:46.339
Okay.

92
00:08:47.140 --> 00:08:50.321
And I actually bring those thoughts to God.

93
00:08:50.341 --> 00:08:55.503
I'm like, okay, I just thought, my thought was, no one will ever want me.

94
00:08:55.603 --> 00:08:56.963
No one ever supports me.

95
00:08:57.063 --> 00:08:57.523
No one ever.

96
00:08:57.883 --> 00:09:04.366
And I bring it to God because that then gives me the opportunity to reflect on, is this true?

97
00:09:05.046 --> 00:09:09.287
You know, as I've been releasing this book about rejection, I've been experiencing so much rejection, Scott.

98
00:09:09.327 --> 00:09:10.447
It's been crazy.

99
00:09:10.788 --> 00:09:11.308
Ironic.

100
00:09:11.428 --> 00:09:11.888
And I got...

101
00:09:12.448 --> 00:09:13.089
Isn't it ironic?

102
00:09:13.249 --> 00:09:17.811
And I got to a place where I literally felt, I was like, man, nobody's, nobody's supporting me.

103
00:09:18.072 --> 00:09:27.757
But as I paused and I prayed about that, I had to actually reflect on the fact that, wait a minute, a lot of people are supporting me and there are people supporting me who I've even not even met before.

104
00:09:28.078 --> 00:09:37.163
And, and like, even being on this platform is just such a gift because it's like, you've so lovingly cultivated this platform and yet you're inviting me on it.

105
00:09:37.203 --> 00:09:38.464
Like that is a gift.

106
00:09:38.724 --> 00:09:42.827
that counters the idea that nobody supports me, nobody wants me, right?

107
00:09:43.168 --> 00:09:47.331
So we pause and for me, I pray and I just get into a meditative place.

108
00:09:47.871 --> 00:09:50.313
And then the E is explore.

109
00:09:51.114 --> 00:09:57.559
So I believe that every rejection has a lesson that it can teach us about ourselves or about others.

110
00:09:57.659 --> 00:10:04.725
In the case of my book release and having some folks that I thought I could count on not show up for me, as I explored that, what I realized is,

111
00:10:05.345 --> 00:10:08.649
I placed them in a category of friendship that they actually weren't in.

112
00:10:09.610 --> 00:10:11.272
Like, these are people that I supported.

113
00:10:11.292 --> 00:10:13.634
These are people that I just knew would show up for me that didn't.

114
00:10:14.195 --> 00:10:18.780
And so as I explored it, I realized, oh, our relationship actually isn't where I thought it was.

115
00:10:19.140 --> 00:10:19.781
So now...

116
00:10:20.702 --> 00:10:23.184
I don't hold a grudge against you because you didn't show up.

117
00:10:23.765 --> 00:10:27.088
I just realized I can't count on you for what I thought I could count on you for.

118
00:10:27.108 --> 00:10:29.690
And so that then changes the nature of the relationship.

119
00:10:29.710 --> 00:10:33.274
And the last step, which is in the N stands for name.

120
00:10:33.374 --> 00:10:35.375
And what I talk about is just name your next step.

121
00:10:35.716 --> 00:10:42.162
So you've observed your thoughts, you know how you're feeling, you've paused, you've actually explored the lessons and the experience.

122
00:10:42.202 --> 00:10:45.124
Now, what are you going to do with what you've learned?

123
00:10:45.765 --> 00:10:45.885
Um,

124
00:10:46.405 --> 00:10:48.146
and how is it going to change the way that you show up?

125
00:10:48.306 --> 00:10:50.567
So that's the open framework in a nutshell.

126
00:10:50.587 --> 00:10:58.631
And you're right, I go into a lot more detail in the book, but it's practical and it's something that I've even used as I've experienced rejection releasing the book and it works.

127
00:10:59.192 --> 00:11:03.834
What would be one thing about rejection that people fundamentally get wrong?

128
00:11:03.854 --> 00:11:07.716
Like a very commonly held belief that is just absolutely incorrect.

129
00:11:08.672 --> 00:11:18.035
Yeah, I think people take rejection personally and think that it's about them when in reality, what people do is not about you.

130
00:11:18.215 --> 00:11:19.775
It's about their choice.

131
00:11:20.275 --> 00:11:28.078
So we say, well, they did this thing because something's wrong with me, when in fact they did the thing because they did the thing.

132
00:11:29.459 --> 00:11:29.719
Right?

133
00:11:29.979 --> 00:11:34.905
So instead of taking it personally, I think we just have to recognize they did what they did because of them, not because of me.

134
00:11:35.105 --> 00:11:40.612
What would be one belief about rejection that you used to hold that's changed dramatically?

135
00:11:40.952 --> 00:11:42.414
It could even be as you wrote this book.

136
00:11:42.846 --> 00:11:45.407
I thought rejection was like the end of the world.

137
00:11:45.667 --> 00:11:49.789
Like I thought that not being invited, I thought not being included.

138
00:11:49.829 --> 00:11:53.231
I thought having somebody I cared about abandoned me when I needed the most.

139
00:11:53.251 --> 00:11:54.431
I thought that was the end of the world.

140
00:11:55.371 --> 00:12:00.974
But now I recognize that there's actually a lesson in all of those experiences.

141
00:12:01.594 --> 00:12:04.896
And I actually can take the time to consider what that lesson is.

142
00:12:05.336 --> 00:12:08.497
And I can apply it to my life and I can retain my sense of agency.

143
00:12:09.378 --> 00:12:10.178
And it can make me better.

144
00:12:10.478 --> 00:12:11.359
Thanks for tuning in.

145
00:12:11.459 --> 00:12:15.862
If you found this valuable, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode.

146
00:12:15.922 --> 00:12:21.446
And if you want to dive deeper into this conversation, check out the links in the description to watch the full episode.

147
00:12:21.586 --> 00:12:22.567
See you in the next one.