Marisa Peer - World Renowned Therapist | Simple Steps To Remove Your Negative Thoughts

If your mother says your dad left, I was young and we're in my life, you can't trust men. That's not your story. That's her story. Marissa Peer is a transformational force in the world of mental health and personal growth, as the creator of rapid transformational therapy and the empowering I am enough movement. She has spent over three decades helping people unlock their true potential, from working with royalty and Olympians to inspiring millions through her best-selling books and global speeches. When I was only 17, I probably would never be able to have children because I have some gynecological problems. And something in my head said, it's really not up to a doctor to decide that. It's up to me. And two years after that, I have a misperfect, normal baby. That was such a lesson to me. No one can tell you who you are. You've got to tell the world who you are. The things we belong to here, we're still waiting. Who's going to turn up and say, I'm great, well, you. So I became an advocate for myself and it changed my life. We know already that our mind thinks the thought and our body makes it real, that's it's job. But your job is to think better thought. Marisa has redefined healing and transformation. Her groundbreaking methods blend neuroscience, hypnotherapy, and psychotherapy to deliver life-changing results. In this episode, we uncover how Marisa has inspired a global movement to embrace confidence, self-belief, and possibility. This is the story of a true pioneer in personal transformation. On the planet you're here to find a thing you're good at, and then perfect it, but then make it your business. Don't compare yourself. You're supposed to be good at one thing. Connection is a choice. You have to choose to connect, because if you're not choosing connection, you're choosing disconnection. If someone can see something in us and we can see something in someone else, we all do our bit to make the world a better place. Welcome to Success Story. I'm your host, Scott Clary. The Success Story podcast is part of the HubSpot podcast network. HubSpot not only supports the show, but they support entrepreneurs. That's why I'm such a huge fan of HubSpot. I'm very grateful for HubSpot for supporting the show, because they help entrepreneurs. As a fellow entrepreneur, I know it takes a lot to grow your business, a lot of audience attracting, a lot of sales, a lot of marketing, a lot of leads scoring, a lot of channel management, a lot of content, a lot of long days, late nights, a lot of weekends, a lot of wishing. There wasn't easier way, but there is. With Breeze, this is HubSpot's new collection of AI tools. It's easier than ever for marketers, for entrepreneurs to attract audiences, to increase leads, to score customers, and to close deals fast, which means pretty soon your company will have a lot to celebrate. Visit HubSpot.com slash marketers to learn more. Talk to me about a pivotal moment, something in your journey, when you realized this profound impact of self-talk. When I was in New 17, I was told I probably would never be able to have children because I had some gynecological problems, and I think by the time I got to my late 20s, I was told again, you're never going to be able to get pregnant, carry a baby's full term, or even grow a perfect baby. Something in my head said, you know, I really shouldn't let that in. It's really not up to a doctor to decide that, it's up to me. Two years after that, I had the most perfect normal baby, and I'm never thinking, gosh, that was such a lesson to me, that voices that don't let it in, because it's your own voice. Of course a doctor can say, hey, broken your leg, I need to set it, but we have to have agency over ourselves. We have to decide, you know, you can do the surgeries, up to me, how I heal. And so I started to work a lot with infertility after I had had a baby, because I thought, gosh, surely that's everything happens for a reason. And I had many people have miraculous births, miraculous. You know, I've still to the same level of client of mine who couldn't get pregnant, had IVF, and they said, oh, you know, the eggs are not very viable. We should really dump it and start again, and she said, I'm devastated, or what do you want? Because I want the baby, so well, but when it's in your body, it's your baby, you can tell it to grow. And that baby is now 22, the most amazing, strapping, brilliant boy that they wanted to just discard. So he's like a miracle, but there's lots of miracles. And so I think a turning come for me, which happened several times in my life, not just once, was the voice that said, don't let that in. It's not up to them, it's up to you. And I think that's such an important message, you know, some of us that I don't love you anymore, you're boring, or you're not attractive, or it's up to us that you know, I'm not letting that in. I love the story about Meryl Streep, who auditioned for the part in King Kong, and the director said, Meryl, you're not pretty enough for this part. And she said, there's your opinion and see of opinions. I just get another opinion, thank you very much. And if you ever saw her in out of Africa, she looks stunningly beautiful. But all full of you have to say, you know, my teacher said, I was an idiot, my teacher said, I was stupid, my ex that I was boring, it's not up to other people, it's up to us. You know, no one could tell you who you are, you got to tell the world who you are, don't let someone tell you who you are, you tell them who you are, and many people who are grilling have been done, and there's a stupid Einstein was told he was educationally subnormal. So many people have been told they wouldn't make it, couldn't make it, but they did. So my turning point is, be your own advocate, be your own cheerleader, whatever it is you just really want to hear, I'm smart, I'm good, I'm loveable. Don't give someone else that job, do it yourself, you can do better than anyone else in the world, and we all know the things we long to hear, we're still waiting, who's going to turn that into say, I'm great, well you, you can do better than anyone else. So I became an advocate for myself, I became my own cheerleader, and it changed my life, and beyond recognition I could never have imagined the life I have today, when I was a 17 year old kid who thought I was hideous, and I thought I could never have children, and actually that lovely baby, she's had her own lovely baby, so it's so lovely to see that go on. That's all through having agency, that's all through through being your own cheerleader, and it seems so simple when you say it like that, but I don't think many people realize that they still have agency over their own lives, I think a lot of people, and you study this, you see it every single day at a very young age, they give up that agency, they give up that with the internal locus of control, they feel that the world happens to them, they don't happen to the world. You were able to break out of that, I think that most people would love to break out of that, but I think the world conspires against them, so what's the advice for somebody that's listening to this and saying yes, that'd be lovely, but I have bills to pay next month, I've been in my job for the past 20 years, I mean, life's kind of progressing, but I know it's probably not exactly what I'd like. Well, here's the news, you talk to yourself every day anyway, this is not going to take any more time than you're normally going to wake up and get a guard, I hate the weather or I haven't got any healthy food for breakfast or, oh, I should have sold a button on that shirt, we all talk to ourselves every day, you can do what you've always done but better, so first of all, when you're on the train or waiting for the coffee to purge, just think of the things you'd love to hear, if your parents had a degree in raising you, if your partner had a degree in making you feel the most lovable person in the whole world, if your boss had a degree in really growing yourself as a team as an employee, what would they say? And when you think, well, what would they say? Because it's not rocket science, they would say, your parents would say, you're great, you're the greatest gift, how lucky I am to have you, parenting you as a joy of my life, I mean, it's kind of simple, a great partner would say, wow, how lucky am I to have you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. And a great boss would say, you are into spend with this company, I see your talent, I see something amazing in you, so instead of waiting for them to do it, making up what you want to hear, what do you want to hear, and then start to say it, I'm amazing, I'm smart, I'm lovable, have something amazing to offer the world, I'm good, it doesn't really matter what it is, just say it and say it because it's rather like if my skin was dry and I put lotion on my skin, my skin doesn't go, hold on a minute, is that paraben free, super organic or is it some cheap stuff you've got on an aeroplane, you're going to go in whatever it is, if I put, whatever I put on my, if I put butter on my toes, if I put eye drops on my toes, they will go in, the toes can't reject it, neither can my skin, your mind will not reject what you tell it, you might as well tell it amazing stuff because it doesn't know, if it's good or bad or hurtful or helpful or useful or useful, it all goes in, so your first point of starting is what do I want to hear, and don't wait another second, just say it, I'm a good person, I'm really smart, I'm really lovable, people like me, I'm interesting and just keep saying it and saying it and saying it because your mind's job and it really is a job is to make your thoughts real, so if you think of sad, thought your eyes fell out with tears, thinking embarrassing, go right right, think of sex and most of them will go in a reaction to a thought because your body has to make it real think of food, just stomach rumbles, think of the perceiver, what you think of a drive will affect you more than actually what's in the drug, so we know already that our mind thinks the thought and our body makes it real, that's its job, but your job is to think better thoughts, so your mind can make them, it's just saying I'm nervous, I'm excited, so they're saying I'm not ready, so I'm ready, I'm anxious, I'm calm, I'm no good with people, people like me, I like them, I look a little heavy, I look gorgeous, just whatever you're presenting, your mind's going to present back to you, your mind's just a robot, you say words and it makes them as well, if you watch a terror movie at night, if you're too scared to go up to bed, if you watch something really scary, it becomes real, you should never watch horror movies where you go to sleep, shouldn't kids shouldn't be watching that, and if you watch something really scary, I'm a water day, years ago, I was watching something, and now I had to crash, I couldn't go upstairs all night, the next day I realized that one of my chairs on my balcony were falling over because I was watching, I don't know, forensic files, it really made me think of the worst possible outcome, and I learned then to do that to yourself, so if your mind's going to make your thoughts real, which it is every minute of every day, what you have to do is think better thoughts, and your mind will make them real, it's like I can't, I can, you just got to keep flipping a simple switch as my little girl, when she would always forget things, I'd always say, what have you remembered? Because she'd get to the car and I'd go, what have you remembered? I'd never go, she'd go, I'm madly, I remember my swimming things, I remembered my book, I'd go, let's go back and get it, because you remembered, I never said, what if you've forgotten it's the same situation, it's ever going, oh my god, every time we've got in the car, you go, huh, because you've forgotten, I said, you go, huh, because you've remembered, and that's great news, you can run back and get it, and she's always thought she has a phenomenal memory because I never said what have you forgotten, I said, isn't it amazing that your mind reminds you, and eventually she didn't even forget anything, because I'd always say you have such a great memory. So just tiny, tiny reframes, really small switches can have phenomenal impact on your entire life. Where does all of the negative talk that we tell ourselves, where does it come from? Does it come from childhood trauma, does it come from a natural inclination to see the world in a negative way? Where does this all come from? Because I feel like more people commonly default to the negative over the positive. Well, the very good news is we're not born with it, no baby says don't look at me, I've got, you know, triple knees here, and no teeth, and milk spots, and I've got any hair, and my eyes are working separately, babies come out of the world with one belief, I'm lovable, and you're going to meet all my needs, because in the womb, so is 75 degrees, you have 24 hour in service, there's always someone there, so a baby's born with a belief, because a baby will cry, if a baby wants cry on, I do, if I want to spit out his food, it will, because it has a belief that says, everyone's going to meet my needs, because I'm worth it, so what happens is, comparison, we go to school, and they do a terrible thing about having streams, I mean, God forbid you're in the sea stream, because what does that say? Are you or not as good as the kids in the A stream? And then parents with the best one in the world say things like, you know, your brother could read when he was four, your sister's so neat, your cousin, oh, she's so good at maths, and one of my clients said to me that when the teacher said to her, I had your brother in my class, the brains must have run out when they got to you, I mean, what an awful thing to say, that deliberately, and unconsciously, without meaning it, we start to compare, you know, and we have streaming, and we have a prize day, and the kid that works, how it doesn't get the prize, the kid that's naturally gifted gets the prize, they don't reward effort there, any reward achievement, which is a terrible thing too, you should reward effort. And so a lot of things in life, they're saying you don't shape up, and now we have social media, you can go on and ask it to grade you, like an egg, what am I, the girl you were seeing, you're a D, so it's comparing yourself, which is a terrible thing, because we'll have our own gift, you know, I certainly wasn't given the gift of being fantastic at IT, I wasn't really given the gift of just someone who loves to cook and spends hours in the kitchen, that bores me to tears, everything I cook has to take 10 minutes, but I understand that someone else is gift, so I don't go, oh my god, I can't cook, I can't, so I can't, so I don't understand, I take it, it's not my gift, as someone else is gift, because imagine if we all had every gift in the world, we would never go out to dinner, we'd never employ a seamstress, we'd make our own clothes, we wouldn't employ anyone, we'd do our own plumbing and our own gardening, and it would be a really hard world if we all had multi-talents, you're supposed to be good at one thing, in fact on the planet you'll hear to find the thing you're good at, and then perfect it, make it even better, and then make it your business, and then employ other people to do all the other stuff, because that's what makes the world go round, oh my god, this person's amazing, it's something, it's not my thing, I bought an amazing interior designer because I don't, I would say because I don't have the ability to imagine that, frankly I would find that so boring looking at different wall swatches all day long, but it's don't compare yourself, you're supposed to be good at one thing, yeah to find your gift, perfect your gift, and then take your gift in market, and if your gift was, I don't know, being an artist, she wouldn't go, yeah, but I'm no good at Feng Shui, I don't understand how to fly a plane, you're not supposed to supposed to be good at one thing, and you know places like Finland, children self-select all their classes, there's no curriculum, there's no streaming, they just go the place that follows the interest, because that's what they're going to be good at anyway, and they have very much better academic results, and children are more emotional resilient, because nothing worse than being forced to do PE, forced to do art, forced to do Latin, when you're never going to use it anyways, and that's what, so now I see how this is all coming together, so our whole childhood, we're forced to do things that really have no utility, and then we realize that we're not good at them, they're not our one thing that we're going to take to market, take to the world, then we compare ourselves against people who are good at them, because again, we think that we have to do these things, we have to not only be athletic and smart, and attractive, and all the, and I have to be good at chores, and I have to be, you know, helping my mom in the kitchen make dinner, and I have to be good there too, and then all these things is compound, and then you have this identity crisis. And it's really good, and then parents say things like, oh, you want to earn some money, you can take out the trash, and maybe clean the cat litter, and what you're saying to your kid, meaning well is, you've got to do really meany stuff to make it in the world, and that's very confusing too, so try and find your kid's talent, and then try if you can to get them to do something like Princess My Daughter as a really good artist, so I'd get it to write to all my Christmas cards, or I hate wrapping gifts, she's very, so I'd get, I'd pay it to wrap all the gifts, I'd try and pay her whenever I could do something that nurtures her talent, wrap the gifts, wrap the presents, curl up the ribbons, write some gift cards, what I never said to her take out the trash, because I don't want her to think, oh, to earn money, I've got to do something I hate that's general, I wanted her to think, wow, I can then money doing something I love that uses my talents. And this is where the, this is sort of where the, I can see this now, this is where the, I am enough movement starts, this is where, okay, this makes a lot of sets. How does, how does this tie into, into our teaching, into rapid transformational therapy, because you've taught something like 13,000 and probably counting therapists worldwide this text, 19,000, so obviously a lot of people know this technique. Yeah, well, not enough yet, but a lot. How does this tie into, I mean, you're doing good work, so listen, one, one therapist at a time, you're teaching them, that's all that matters. So, yeah, how does this tie into, like, how does this technique sort of take people from where they are today, before they're listening to this podcast, or where they are in their life, and take them to the point where they do feel that they're enough, they are happy with the work they're doing, they are tapped into the one thing they're meant to do in the world. How does this technique sort of facilitate what you're trying to teach? Well, our teaching is very fast, it's rapid transformation therapy, so what it does is in, in a session, it takes you back to what caused any issues you have, but somebody might say, now I procrastinate, I self-sabotage, but really the core of almost all of our issues is this, I'm not enough, I'm not worthy enough, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not educated enough, I'm not interesting enough, there's so many ways of thing you're not enough, and if you feel you're not enough, you will need more, more food, more stuff, you know, the emptiness inside comes from this, not enoughness, but the thing is it's not even true, so what RTT does is it invites you to go back and find out where did it begin, because no one is worthy enough, I'm not enough, you know, I've done, I helped fund an orphanage in Zimbabwe, and these kids have got nothing, but they feel like they've got everything, they don't think, oh well, I've been abandoned by my parents, therefore I don't count, they cry just like a kid, there's got everything, and so the first step is to understand that whatever you're thinking you're not enough of, it's not true, you're worthy enough, you're good enough, and so if the common issue, and all the other issues stems when I'm not enough, then surely the answer is to flip that, or I am enough, so the most simple thing is put it on your phone alerts twice a day, write it, stamp it on your pillows in marker, have it written on your fridge, I have these braces, they'll say I'm enough, and I have it all over my house, and start to not just say it, but state it, affirm it, embody it, I'm enough, I'm enough, I'm enough, repeat it, repeat it, first you'll go, but I'm not really enough, because I haven't got a degree, I'm not really enough, because I get all my clothes in target, I'm not really enough, because I'm living in a shared house with people that haven't got anything either, but then eventually you'll run out of objections, because the person's objecting is you, you're coming up with objections that eventually you'll run out, and then you go, then your mind goes, you know, you say that every day it must be true, now it's going to sink in, because you are enough, you know, I was watching the Victoria's Secret Show last week thinking what a terrible message is saying to women, if you're listening your underwear, you'll be happy, and that's not true, many women look gorgeous in that underwear, I want to kill themselves, or on frosak, they're anorexic, just big, if beautiful made you happy, everyone is really, I'm so happy, you know, we saw poorly in pain from one direction last week, that the mess that poor young boy was in, because he didn't feel enough either, so you have to go back to the beginning, if you don't think you're enough, it's not true, you're in great company, 80% of us have it, but it's your job to get rid of it by saying, I'm enough, I'm enough, I'm enough, keep saying it, saying it, saying it, it all sink in, the mind learns by repetition, write it within lots of places, and eventually it will go in, and you'll start to feel so dramatically different, because if everything comes from feeling not enough, that you're reversing that, you're reversing all of your issues, you know, I've never not met an alcoholic ever in my life who thought there enough, or a bulimic, or an anorexic, I met many who said, you know, their statement just subtly changed my entire life, I stopped starving myself, I stopped bingeing, I stopped drinking, someone wrote me and said, I actually stopped having suicidal thoughts, when I heard you say, over and over again, I'm enough, I'm enough, I'm enough, you know, I've had the, I'm enough movement for I think 10 years now, we've got amazing feedback, so we know it works, we've had schools who tell us, you know, bullying has disappeared in this school, when all the kids say, I'm enough, and the bullies are the ones who benefit the most, because they stop bullying kids, because of course a bully thinks, I'm not enough, but I'll make you feel not enough, and then I'll feel a bit more adequate. It's interesting how it's such a simple phrase, and I want to understand how this actually impacts us on a mental level, like what it's doing to our brain when we repeat these kinds of, these kinds of saying, I guess affirmations for lack of a better word, because what we, I think, the average person does, because I'm guilty of this too, and I think that this is a trap that people fall into, the need for more, the need for more, and you pursue that via working harder, or I don't know, like, you know, you're trying to lose more weight than what's healthy, or you are, you're not happy with your spouse, so you're cheating, like you're doing all these things that are on unhealthy amounts, so you're looking for ways to validate yourself, and in any way possible outside of just being okay with who you are right now, and I think that some people take it to an extreme, but I think at a very rudimentary level, everybody has some issues with their self-worth, and regardless of whether or not it's like the work, or the extreme dieting, or the, you know, looking for an escape in terms of drugs, or multiple partners, or alcohol, like somebody's looking for an escape from their life, in some way, everyone has their own thing, so I think I know, I think I know why people do that, because they don't have these sort of these frameworks in place to really understand who they are and the value they bring to the world, because they've played this comparison game in their whole life, but when you start to say things like, I am enough, for some people that may seem like, okay, well, how is that going to, how is that going to get me over my anorexia or bulimia, or how is that going to stop me from working 100 hours a week, even though I'm dead tired and I'm burnt out and I'm stressed in the week, I feel like I have to make this much money, or I have to make my company, you know, be, get to this size, what does this like simple saying actually do? Does it like rewire your brain to a degree, is there something? Wait, neuroplasticities in a neuroplasticity, which is science, that when you think certain thoughts, you're creating different neurons. Quantum physics says, and quantum physics is a more reliable science than medical science, it says, if I change my thoughts, I change my NGO, I change my vibrations, and then it changed, I can change not just me, but I can change my relationship with you, and quantum physics is a very reliable science, most people say, oh, isn't this stuff, we'll say two things, actually, it's not woo-woo, it's quantum physics, and by the way, woo-woo actually works, even if it was woo-woo, woo-woo is great, it works, so let's go to the love thing, you know, you're about to meet someone on a day, and you'll be with me on my guard, hope I'm good enough for them, I hope that I don't have bored, no, they don't reject me, and you should be saying, this person's going to see how amazing I am, because when you know you're enough, you don't think, oh, but I've got to work for love, and chase love, and earn love, and put on my best self, and make a real effort, so that they might like me, you know, I'm enough, I'm lovable enough, of course, you'll make an effort, but never go on a date saying, are they, well, I'd be good enough for them, say, hope they're good enough for me, this is the person you can see, that I'm an amazing person, and so same thing in a career, you know, if you're chasing, and chasing, and chasing, more recognition and working hard and burning out, you need to go back and go, hey, I am talented enough, I'm good enough, and I go to my boss and go, I've got this great idea, I've got this unique scope, because when you know you're enough, it resonates from, it's a level that people pick up, it's that quantum physics again, if I know I'm enough, really know it, and I can state it, affirm it enough, so it becomes resonates out of me, other people know it too, so I've worked on many shows where I've been on a judging panel, and people come in and you know the ones that know they've got it, and the ones that are faking it, when you fake it, you just feel like a fake, when you can resonate, I'm enough, you know, I've got a gift, or you're safe with me, and I'm a smart person, just like animals know when they're safe with you, and kids know, and children know if you like children, animals know if you like animals, once you get it inside of you, it's not just in you, it resonates out from you, and it's very reassuring, confidence is reassuring, it's quite sexy, and neediness is the opposite of that, so it comes back to your job, it's your job to go, hey, what do I need to hear? And why am I just telling myself those things, everything I'm confident, I'm self assured, I'm going to go out a day and go, this person is lucky to be with me, because I'm a great person, of course I'm going to get that job, that pay rise, that promotion, because I'm ready, and I've got what it takes, but a lot of us give that job to someone as he can, can you, can you do that for me, well I could, but better if you do it, because then you won't be needy, and the same thing with that, we should be saying to our kids every day, you're a smart kid, you know, you're so lucky you're good at math, that's all you need in life, yes, you know, you're good at art, and that's where you're going to go, instead of saying, but can you be good at the guitar, and the piano, and I have so many distraught children whose parents try to make them do the piano, or the violin, they absolutely hate it, as they do all these musical parents, you know, you haven't given birth to yourself, it's really, your kids got migraines, because you make them pay the piano every day, and they don't even like them, they can't even tell you, but their body is telling, you know the feeling, they cannot find the expression in tears or cause other organs to weave, and I have so many kids whose hair is falling out, they've got headaches, and then they come, and they always say, my mum makes them pay the violin, I have to do the piano every day, I've got to play chess, because my dad's a chess person, and they go, I can't tell if I hate it, so I say to the parents, listen, you need to let your kid dream their own dream, one of the saddest things is how we try to make someone else's story, our story, I've got to be a mathematician, because my dad was into math, so I've got to be into this, because my parents are into it, but the truth is, we don't give birth to ourselves, my daughter is nothing like me, she's talented and amazing, but she's very, I'm very tired, she's very disorganized, I'm a minimalist, she's an absolute maxim, she loves having matters of stuff, and I never think, oh, I think, of course, because I didn't give birth, how boring you really give birth to yourself, I mean, that will bore you to tears, your kids are your teachers, they're not supposed to be, there's supposed to be nothing like you, and they don't have a voice to say, I don't really like this, so they begin to create all kinds of pains and illnesses, because they're not able to say, that's not my bag, but we should allow them to say that, we should allow them to say, mom, this is your dream, it's not my dream. I just want to take a quick break and thank the Havspot Podcast Network for supporting success story for the past two years, now the Havspot Podcast Network has other incredible podcasts like my first million now, if you are an entrepreneur or you are ready to turn your entrepreneurial dreams into millions, you have to listen to my first million, it's a show that is revolutionizing business podcasting, it's hosted by Sam Parr, Sean Perry, this is a Havspot Podcast Network original, it brings you unfiltered conversations with self-made millionaires, who actually tell you how they did it, if you want to learn how Alex Ramose built his fitness empire, or how Sophia Amaruso turned nasty girl into a fashion phenomenon, these aren't just success stories, they're the blueprints for your own journey to the top, each episode breaks down the exact strategies and hidden opportunities that you can use right now, don't just dream about your first million, learn how to make it, listen to my first million wherever you get your podcasts, it's so funny how, so even when even when our kids aren't aligned with what they should be doing and who they should be, I mean we can look at that and say listen, even like forget the fact that my kids aren't aligned and what and they're not doing what they should be doing, I'm not even aligned with what us should be doing in my life, like there's so many breaks in the chain, there's so many people that are misaligned in their day to day, as parents we have the duty and the responsibility to make sure that our kids are doing the things that they want to be doing and living their best life in fully aligned, but I think we have to fix ourselves first because if we don't even, if we're not even doing the thing day in day out that we want to do, if we're in the career that we hate, how can we possibly, that's what that's what ends up imprinting on our kids, as now our kids are seeing us, studies are shown that the best thing you can give a kid is a happy mom, a happy mother is one of the was one of the ways to have happy children and it says if the mother's happy and fulfilled the kids will be happy, if mother's unhappy and working and giving you everything but unhappy, children feel guilty, so having happy parents, I mean the best way is to parents or together and committed, but even having one parent, especially the mother who's happy makes a huge difference in the self-esteem of those children, any children. As somebody who, if say somebody is listening to this, they're totally out of alignment with the work they want to do and they have massive imposter syndrome. I think imposter syndrome probably stops many people from actually saying I am enough and when you do say you're enough and you truly believe it, then all the down line decisions that you make will be much stronger. That's what I think is so incredible about saying I am enough because again, just to sort of piggyback off an idea you had previous, it's not woo woo. If you are fully in alignment with what you enjoy doing and you have that confidence in you and every decision you make and every action it takes going to be much more strong, it's going to be much stronger, it's going to be aligned with that purpose. It's like the impacts of being aligned and having that idea of I am enough in your head are phenomenal but I think what stops a lot of people from taking the first step at least is imposter syndrome. It's that idea of you know I'm not happy here but I don't think I don't think I deserve that person or I don't think I deserve that job and they may not say it in their in their conscious but I can guarantee you their subconscious is holding them back for whatever reason even if you look at I mean we'll take a more job oriented stat which I found fascinating so on average men if they see a job they're not qualified for they'll apply if they have like 70% of the qualifications but women if they see a job they're not qualified for will hesitate to apply and this is a whole other conversation about you know women should be jumping into positions like this and they should be taking those risks and they should be saying I am enough and I want to do it but on a broader spectrum and just outside of like an individual circumstance that's a huge example of imposter syndrome that it's almost like I mean yeah 80% of women have it by only 40 percent of men so isn't that interesting 80% of women have imposter syndrome half a amount of men have it that's there so so the question then becomes okay regardless of whether or not you're a man or a woman it's it obviously is adversely affecting women in their careers but how do you get over that imposter syndrome what's the strategy to to start to get over it so that you can move in the direction that you should be aligned with well you know one of the first things to start with and it may sound difficult is you should really try and find something you love for your career it's very hard to succeed doing something you hate but if you do something you love you'll probably do very well so you know I could never imagine being an accountant but I would love figures love numbers I couldn't even imagine loving being an accountant I couldn't really imagine loving being a nurse and you'd be well injections but people who love it love it so few days of five and fifteen the thing you love to do the most is a key to your unique skill sets I go back and tell you something what did I love doing my daughter's narcissist was always drawing painting designing I was always writing stories about traumatized families even when I was a kid clearly that was my thing to work with them so find out what you love because again you're on the planet to find what it is is your gift and then when you found your gift was so lucky we live in the world of YouTube you can find a hundred tutorials and how to perfect your gift is your gift selling is it speaking is it being a strategy is it being a designer perfect your gift you know learn what's called mastery you know Lulu Lemon didn't invent lemon leggings which she certainly mastered how to sell them Starbucks in an event coffee Dyson did not invent a Hoover or a hero but they mastered something and the trick is find your gift and then master yourself go and learn how to speak how to present how to sell how to find a someone who's going to fund you it's very hard to do that while you hate the subject but if you love it then you'll find you can find your gift master and perfect you're given then take your gift to market and that's really what you have to do and people are doing that now with makeup tutorials and all kinds of weird things we could never imagine before but you've got to try to start from doing something you love because you're given that gift to take it to market you know beyond so is meant to be a singer she wasn't meant to be a nail technician Eminem was meant to be a rapper he wasn't meant to be a plumber and if he had we want to waste so you would have find out what did the universe give you because it gave you a gift that will support you in finding that gift so I could say you know I found therapy and putting in therapy could I master I thought yeah I couldn't master therapy I could make it faster better I never understood the the concept of therapy which is bring me your pain and we'll discuss it for a year or two and you may get better you may not but you'll know who you you would never go to ER and say hey mate I broke in my leg you wouldn't go to the dentist in my tooths for now or the character that I put out my back any other place you go to ER chiropractor even a massage therapist has bring me your pain and I'm gonna get rid of your pain today but the therapist has bring me your pain and I'm gonna keep you here for quite a long time because it's all about our relationship which I mean I get it but I don't get it because if when I broke my leg a year and a half ago I got run over I made no relationship with my the person who took me to hospital in an ab because I had no relationship with a person who X rode me had a lovely bone doctor once he fixed my leg I never saw him again ever even though I paid him a lot of money he was amazing but I didn't have a relationship with him I had a transaction here's the money about 16 fractures in my leg he did three surgeries and that was it we didn't have a relationship so I thought well I don't think that's the right message for clients bring me your pain and it's gonna take a long time because if you're in pain you have one request can you get me out of pain today and whether that's the pain of having tension migraines because your stress or an irritable well because your stress or the pain are feeling so bad about yourself that you can't find love or get promotion or your skin breaks out is all pain so I did master something and there to be successful in life you have three different ways you can inherit a business but that's very rare you can be like Steve Jobs and then Apple but that's a lot of work or you can take some of this already there and master it you could master makeup with hairdryers fans you could master coffee or tea or food and I mastered therapy but also master yourself learn how to present yourself how to speak about your passion and if you can master your passion then you can make a living out of your passion there people all over the world making a living out of their passion and that's really what you should be doing because one of the major causes of depression is not following your heart as I get into a business that you don't like failing to follow your heart's desire you know I worked with a girl years ago who was so depressed and she said I always wanted to be a vet and I couldn't go to vets but we didn't have any money and here I am all these years later I'm never going to be a vet and I'm so depressed I want to kill myself I said but what else is she goes no no I'm not going to be a dog walk I said I didn't say that I said okay there's a vet over here which is not available to you and there's a dog walker of what's in the middle and the fact that I have a great friend who used to be in the boom term right school Jerry Cox and he trains animals to perform in movies and I and he said it was telling me that um because I told him about her and he said oh she could be a dog behavioral X well I said yeah there there is you can in six months train animals like cedar all in a season of land don't we and she got her own television show from that she was on television she was living in her heart because she was so blocked but I want to be a vet but I'm not going to be a dog walker that's demoralizing and she didn't see in the middle you know you might want to be a doctor and say I never went to but but you could be a healer you could be you could work in a hospice of being a Roman therapist you might say I never had kids but you can be an advocate for children or foster there's so many different ways we get very blinked about I want that my grandmother always wanted to act and she never was an actress but she was addressed of a Laurence Olivier so she was in the theatre and she absolutely loved it because she still was around people and she was around the magic of theatre even though she was never she couldn't be an actress herself because she was she was born into absolute poverty she didn't have that option but she still followed her heart says are in a different way she's in the theatre every night so if you can find your heart says are what makes your heart sing and think but can I do that maybe I can't be an artist but could I work in art gallery maybe I'll never be a lawyer but could I be a circuit judge you probably could so don't make it black or white find you what makes your heart sing and whatever you do follow it and you probably become amazing at it because you're here to find your gift perfect it and then make a living from it and a very good living too you know you mentioned so you mentioned that obviously we have to find love in ourselves and love in our vocation and the work that we do does one come before the other or is it this dance between the two no I think self love should always come first you when you love yourself you can go for a role you can go for a job as you say not even quitting no I I'm going to go for this job I was just watching this show I love Julie Cooper and I was just watching this show on Disney called Rivals and they need character in the book is blonde blue eyed and the character that's playing the part has got jet black hair but he said you know I thought well I know they're going to get the part but I'll go anyway and he got it so it's that self belief I can still put myself on something that doesn't even have my name on it but I can still go for I can still apply so when you have self love something amazing happens you don't hear no you don't hear denial you don't you hear no so you know one of my books was rejected my first book was rejected many times what I never heard no I heard no for this publisher no as it is now no until I change the first chapter a bit so if you have self love you don't get rejected because you have that thing well how you can't reject me you might not like my book but that's not me I may not be the right person view but that doesn't mean I'm not the right person just not the right person for you so it's a great thing people have self love they're like big rubber balls they have the bounce back factor they if they get knocked down they get up again very quickly and they never hear they don't do no they don't hear a denial they always hear a delay come back next year or change it a little bit you know I always love the guy you know this little suitcase called trunky that we see all over the world you remember those little cases you see every report yes and that guy was on a show it's dragon said but we call it no so you call it sharp tank we call it dragon stand and he went on with the prototype when they pulled it the strap rhythm and oh this is a terrible product the straps broke and it's no good he said no no it's a prototype that never make it is rubbish it's no good and you see he had a lot of confidence because he said I felt I felt I have a thing and he could I'll show you I'll show you and off he went and he got the prototype made better and he became a billionaire from that product but he was rejected he was a laughed off sharp tank the English version called dragon stand but it didn't destroy him he came back better Eminem said that he was said you will never be a rapper and he said I was so angry when they said that I just wrapped even more with more anger and of course he became one of the most successful rappers in the world and Ed Sheeran was told Ed you can't be a rock star you got white skin red hair glasses and Eminem was the one who nurtured him and said you just have to get angry and you'll have to have the I'll show you it's it's not a denial it's a delay on your way to success there's many many delays the lift to success doesn't work but the stairs always work doesn't mean you don't get rejected but you've got to come back and come back and everyone who's made it was I got rejected everyone who's been in love with so got dumped it's not what happens it's how you feel about it many will say you know I got dumped and that's the end of it for me and I could never love again because that person ripped out my heart and so no they didn't they just you just grew a lot of each other and rip your heart out and jump all over it they're not at home thinking I'm rejecting you you just went different ways and if you've had love and had it again and again because when someone leaves you they don't take with them every common every card they wrote saying they love you every lovely thing they said every message on your phone that's still in you and if you had love you can have love again and again and again it's such a shame that we allow a setback to hurt us we'll see you know I was ghosted and that's it I'll never be in love again I got fired and now I can't go for another interview because those things can make you stronger people beat people often say that they're fragile the humans aren't fragile they're strong and resilient they're able to cope with so much but you have a choice every day you know we all have a brilliant brain you can tuck yourself into something or out of it so try yourself out of being fragile and into being strong and resilient with a massive bounce back fact and we'll serve you very well in life because we all get rejected we all get fired I mean I've been fired I've been dumped I've been told I would never have a baby all kinds of strange things have happened but in the context of my life most of them actually made me stronger I think that I think that what people have to do is when something negative happens they can't let it consume them because people can hold on to that feeling for for a year yeah people do that they they will go back and say something oh I didn't have a dad or my father never saw me or I heard I was put up production and I met many years ago I had one client who told me the story she said you know my parents told me when I was older they tried to terminate me they were very young and they weren't ready but obviously my determination and was born and they told me I was destined for something amazing and they were very proud of the story and I always thought yeah I'm and this girl is an amazing very powerful woman in her own field because she heard a story we were so stupid we thought we shouldn't have you but she wouldn't go away you were meant to be here but someone answers me oh you know my parents tried to terminate me and what chance have I got in life with that start so it you have to reframe it you didn't want me but I'm here I am somebody wanted me to be here they wanted me to be here they wanted me to be a girl or a boy so whatever the story is whatever you must change just to edit your story just because you weren't wanted it with a wrong sex or a mistake or an accident it really doesn't matter what matters is here you are because somebody wanted you to be here just the way you are well you know the story it's how you feel about it so if your mother says things like oh you know your dad left when I was young and ruined my life and you can't trust men that's not your story that's her story and the greatest pain because it is making someone else's story you can't trust people you'll never get on in life if your people are asked without going to college you got to be very wary of making someone else's story your story I wanted to I wanted to ask you about you tweeted out some great insight and wisdom and I want to understand a little bit more context behind what you tweeted out so one of the ideas that you just you just published was in a battle between emotion and logic emotion always wins understood so how do we how do we deal with that idea so yes so we will know if we go to a tool building and look down I was actually on the something called the edge in New York a couple of weeks ago I've been on it before and I like it but as I look up my legs get turned into jelly and I was like this to say bizarre because I want to be on this face for the ledge or the edge I'm looking up not down every time I look up it's so high that my legs were having and my legs didn't get away from the edge you fall you're gonna fall that's the emotion was to defeating the logic if I want to be here so we know that emotion defeats the logic so here's the emotion I might get rejected you know that's the fear of rejection is so profound in human beings that we allow it to ruin our life and the logic is the only person you can ever reject you as you you cannot be rejected unless you're in the business of rejecting yourself so you and then here's the emotion you know I might get dumped or I'm not good I might fail and so we allow that emotional fear to defeat the logic that says but I could succeed so if you're trying to fix something don't use the logic it's not logic because I think I'm an alcoholic I know you want a glass of wine but I've got a lovely cup of coffee for you they look at you like you're a Martian which you're talking about I need alcohol because it relaxes me gives me confidence coffee is never going to hit it but if you can get a better emotion you know you're a great person you don't need to drink you're funny you're interesting so in a battle with emotion and logic it's like saying to people there's so many calories in that cake why don't you have a piece of lettuce I mean that doesn't work at all but the emotion of I love my body is the most priceless thing I'll ever own so if I'm having cake I'm going to have some blueberries instead of having a burger I'm going to have some delicious grilled fish if you can get a better emotional it works but you can't use logic you know we know diets don't work we know that telling someone to stop drinking or stop overeating doesn't work but an emotion will really work I mean if you say to your kids you're so stupid right only work harder that's another thing but if you say wow you know I really love this work you've done you're actually a really bright kid that emotions but it doesn't even more bright they now want to work or they want to apply themselves as someone believed in them and if you go oh just you know if you can be that one person who says to a kid I see something in you I see something in you you know Jamie Oliver's very good at doing that he took all these kids that were in reform school and prison and created a restaurant and they were the starving also see something amazing in you and he could get the best from every youth teenager because he saw something genuine in them and so you know we all need one person to believe in us and sometimes it's a therapist or a grandmother or a friend or a relative but if someone can see something in us and we can see something in someone else we all do our bit to make the world a better place the replacement of a negative emotion with a positive emotion has a tool to change is is a phenomenal idea and I think that most people especially hard-headed type A personalities they try and logic themselves into everything yeah of course it's like saying I'm scared of flying you know logically we know the dangerous part of flying is the car right to the airport that's almost dangerous bit but we all think yeah but but I can't get off the plane I can stop a car I'm I'm in a flying coffin I'm hurtling through the air in a tin can and if you think there's thoughts you'll feel terrified because that's the emotion but if you get wild I'm sitting in a little sofa watching a movie being weighted on this is my one chance to do nothing at all you know people who travel in business they're flying less than people who travel in an economy because they aren't going to lie in that lovely bed go to sleep have delicious dinner they have a different emotion about what flying is but the fear of flying in the fear of public speaking I mean there is no fear of public speaking it's the fear of being judged as fear being rejected the most common fear in the world but then if you go but I can't be rejected nobody can reject me except for me and then you realise that you're winning because you're not giving your pal to someone else to reject you they might not think your speech is great but but you're the only one who can decide you know my husband under chain of comedy clubs quite a famous chain called junglers and they had something called an open mic and every Saturday anybody could come up for five minutes and tell a joke and this guy came on stage he told him it was very funny and then it just all went downhill and he was getting booed as his my husband ran to the stage to console this poor kid as he came up and he said to him did you see I got them they loved the first joke so he reframe the whole thing is I had the first joke they loved it they all loved he didn't even talk about how they booed him after that he said I got them with that first joke because he held on to it better I could tell one joke now I've got a master better jokes because the first one was the only good one but he wasn't upset he said did you notice how they laughed at the beginning so that's a rephray we we have the power to look at what's good to go well if I got them to laugh at the first joke surely I can go back and do that again and again it might have just said the first two chapters book are great and then it's all for well maybe I can get back and make the next chapters just as good so it's always up to us again to be the person who praises ourselves and says if I can do that so if you have love once and someone's loved to then of course you can have love again you've now got a template in you for love if you've had one friend that doled you and they moved abroad but you've got a template you can have another friend you know we we seem to forget that connection is a choice you have to choose to connect because if you're not choosing connection you're choosing disconnection and if you can talk to someone you can talk to anyone it's funny how we it's funny how we always focus on the negative right we always focus on the we always but I mean it's not it's not surprising to me that we do that I mean news news companies know that we focus on the negative that's why they have the headlines that they have as they know that's what we pay attention to and even in our own mind we pay attention I mean I love that story about the kid on stage doing comedy I don't think many people if they were boot off stage would remember the first good joke but that's what you should remember because now you have okay this was listen life's not over I'm still alive I still have I still have probably if he's a kid doing comedy probably 60 to 70% of my life left I got one joke now I just got to figure out the next four or five yeah I said oh someone liked me for the first three days yeah and then they didn't but maybe I was picking the wrong person if they liked me for three days you could like me for 33 for 33 years so I always get rejected you know I always get dumped after a few months I always get fired after six months you're looking at the wrong thing you kept a job for six months you can keep it forever you've got to go back and look you know what whatever you require is going to require something you require love it's going to require something of you if you require a great job of emotion what does it require of you it requires diligence and getting in early and stretching yourself so if you're always saying I want this and I want that and I say stop saying I want to so I require and then say hey I require this but what does this require of me if I require a flat stomach then I know I'm going to have to do lots of planks and sit-ups and not eat many carbs it requires some if I will require a best-selling book to write one then it requires me being at home on my own the weeks on end writing in a solitary and then even I've written the book now the work begins of making that book sell which takes much more work than writing it but if I require to write a best-selling book then what it requires me is a lot of work you know doing tons of promotion if you require love it requires you to get out of the house and go out think about what kind of person I want to be with and where are they by the way you know I was talking to a girl a little while ago I said I'm looking for love I said well that's a wonderful way you're looking so would you as a way you're looking she went oh I go to yoga how many men are you yoga the class two how many women 36 I'm like no darling that's not looking for love looking for love is being in the weights room where there's hundreds of guys or being on a golf course where there's many more men than women if you're heterosexual you're looking for love you're not going to find in a yoga class we've already said there's hardly any man so it's that thing about think about what you I require a really lovely guy intelligent and fit well where are they they're not in yoga but if you think of what what you require it requires you to believe in yourself decide your way then then put yourself in front of of that kind of persons if you do three things tell yourself a lot I'm lovable I'm lovable just the way I am I can improve myself I am I core I'm already lovable I can improve myself make the best what I'm lovable and I'm worthy of laugh that's point one and then think of the person you want to spend your life and then where are they and now you've got to go where they are because as you go to success it comes to you I do the same thing with I worked with the guy years ago working up the city no women there I said you need to go downtown to a hairdressing convention hang out in that hotel it's on a weekend you know you're a gorgeous guy you'll find someone he went home with a hairdresser they got married they're still together but he was doing I go to a bar no if you really want to find someone find a girl who's she's passionate she's at this convention she's loving hairdressing and talk to her and be there and show up but you have to be you know if you were looking for a job you go to the interview looking for house you don't look the you houses people look for love and they they think they're looking but they're not looking because they don't think they're worth it so it's a three step process really work on knowing your worth it decide what you require decide what it requires you and then you got to go out and do the requirements remember say you know I wrote a book but I never sent it to a publisher scared it might be rejected so the third step will work if you do the first step it's like a circus thing I'm worth it I know what I require I know what it requires me and I do what it requires of me because I know I'm worth it so we start with I'm worth it and then go after what you want and as you go towards it will come to you I want to take a second and thank Ranger over sport for supporting today's episode now let's talk about tools that match your ambition then match the ambition of everybody who's listening today who has taken risks who has 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tackle challenging terrain with confidence the dynamic air suspension always makes sure you get a smooth ride it responds to road conditions for optimal performance so from daily commutes to weekend getaways the Range Rover Sport is ready for whatever you have planned it's more than just a vehicle it is a companion for all of your journey so if you're ready to elevate your driving experience visit Land Rover USA dot com and configure your Range Rover Sport today it is interesting how even though we may say that we want something all the actions that we take are not aligned with that thought all the actions that we take are actually contrary to that we want a better job but we're not applying for things that are paying slightly more or a little bit uncomfortable we want a better relationship it well you know I'm I'm going to I'm going to all the wrong places to look for the person that I'm going to date and marry and we self-sabotage how many women I'm there who said I'm having I'm married but we never have sex I'm having IVF to have a baby because I haven't got time to have sex I'm like she talking about you're going to an IVF clinic that takes hours having sex takes the average man six minutes but that was so bizarre that you know I haven't got time so I'm having IVF and have my ex-frozen I'm going to have free children with ever having sex it's so odd that we kind of give these things to someone else to do for us now another thought that I think would be helpful to describe you said whatever you focus on you get more of yeah oh very much playing that so if you focus on pain you get more of it we've all thought about I've got a headache I've got a cold but if the phone rings and says hey you've just won the lottery I promise you in that minute you wouldn't have any pain to get the air I was just joking the pain will come back again so if you're if you're skiing you know that wherever you're focusing you drive towards when you're driving if you focus on an exit ramp you'll probably go off-set because you're focusing on it so whatever you focus on you get more if you move towards it and move towards you so if you're a kid taking an exam and you say things like I can't remember I'm so anxious my my brains emptied now I can't remember that's exactly where you're going to go if you say I got a great memory when I say the word narrow down everything comes back to me and I'm really good at exams so I remember everything so we've all got to be responsible for our focus the word responsible means I am response able I'm able to respond you know years ago I was talking to a client of mine who told me that he couldn't merge he had this huge problem he couldn't merge on a freeway and so he could only take little b-roes and he had a factory and he was going to have to take some bias for his factory and he was so free because how can I tell him I can't drive on a freeway it takes me four hours to do an hour journey because I have to go on all the siders I don't know what to tell them so I hypnotized him and he was saying I can't merge I can't merge I said no of course you can merge and when we did a session he merged when he rang me the nose and when oh my god I did it I merged I went on the freeway it was easy but I was driving with my husband on he was asleep and it was raining and I see on all of a sudden I noticed that I couldn't merge I went over to take a lawyer that my god I can't I'm thinking about this client so much that I'm now becoming and I can't merge and thinking you can't merge as you ever take a lawyer's not great now does they stop it of course you know how to merge you just put your foot down and follow the curve of the road even though it's raiding and you follow the curve and then you go back in the lane so I had a choice then talk myself into it or out of it but interesting that when you think about someone else's issues you can pick them up yourself and so I was focusing and you're researching sorry yeah I focus I'm not merging on the clip it is so if you go to have a needle in your arm and you're having a tattoo you're so excited oh my god is it her but if you're going to have blood and go what's going to hurt or having an injection but if you're having Botox you probably love that in needle you know if I had a big lump of meat and I put it in my hand right now it's not the meat is what you think of it if you're vegan that's horrible if you're a hinder it's disgusting if you're a bodybuild or you're hungry it's fantastic so it's never the thing is what you think about the thing and that's really good news because you can change what you think about the thing you know what you think about flying or pain or anything at all what you think about going around the world and telling people you're amazing what you think about your potential because your potential expands as you move towards it and expands again and again so why we see Olympic athletes breaking world records so if your potential expands as you move to it you never know what your potential is if you were to say oh well things never work out you're not giving your potential a chance to go forwards and forwards and when you do go forwards when you move your mind of that new dimension it goes back again so decide hey I've got potential in me and I'm going to move towards it whatever it takes I can upgrade my job I've been upgrade the quality of my relationship stay with a person but make it better I can upgrade my parenting skills I can learn and I can evolve and I can move to my potential which will move and move and move so never think oh those doors are shut for me they're not shut you can open any door but it starts with phenomenal self-belief and that starts with what you tell yourself you know I could stage you every day you're amazing and you're great but that's not the same because you might think well she's got an agenda she wants to come on my show but if you tell yourself you're amazing and great your mind knows there's no agenda it must be so start saying them as simple things I'm smart I've got so much potential I'm loveable and interesting I'm a good person people like me and I like them and I like myself very simple statements with their strength is in their simplicity but also their honesty and then your potential won't expand anywhere and then you'll feel brave instead of fearful you'll feel as if you're expanding instead of contracting you always want to expand and not contract go further and further the brain loves expansion you know you don't know you can be a parent and you have a baby you don't know you can be great in bed until you start having sex you don't know that you're great at cooking until you start cooking you don't know any of these things at the beginning but when you begin you think oh actually I'm really good at this or maybe I'm not so I can find something else that's using my school set the last idea that I love I mean you wrote a whole book about this idea so obviously we won't unfat the entire the entire book but the concept of telling yourself a better lie yeah so explain to me explain to me what what do you mean by telling ourselves a better lie because if somebody is listening to this podcast at this point they said well I know I was telling myself I know I was telling myself a lie or about the things that I couldn't do and I was saying that I should be able to do them but they're really not the things that I should be focusing on so wouldn't the opposite of that be tell myself the truth about what I should be focusing on why is it not tell yourself the truth but tell yourself a better lie well first of all our greatest pain comes from the lies we tell ourselves the greatest pain that humans suffer from is not someone else saying you're boring it's the lies we tell ourselves my ex could say I'm boring one of my teachers would say I'm stupid but that may not be true but it's the lies I tell me when I say I'm boring I'm stupid I've got nothing to offer so our greatest pain comes from the lies we tell ourselves and I called my book that because clients would come in to see me go oh my life is hell it's hell today's being what's hell while being on the freeway but that's not how you have a car you have money for gas why did that become a hell the line in the store on Christmas either is hell no hell is having no money and no store no friends to cook Christmas dinner for and so you're willing to tell yourself a lie if I look at a cake I get fat every person I've met it's dump me I always I'm a loser at work everyone has gets promoted no one notices me if you're willing to tell yourself a lie because it's not really true they would say I'm as fat as a house really of course well you wouldn't be in a house if you was fat as a house I can eat all we can like a horse come on darling we know that isn't true you haven't eaten like a horse and you couldn't eat a horse if you wanted to I'm absolutely starving that's very rarely true for anyone in the restaurant we've never been starving maybe hungry we're not starving so if you're willing to lie I get every cold going that's a lie why not say I have a phenomenal immune system and I'm resistant to colds when I look at a cake I just burn it all off I look at a cake and think actually I prefer blueberries you know you might as well give yourself a better lie because what do we say in the beginning your mind makes your thoughts real so the lies we tell ourselves I'm useless I've got rocks to brains I've got a memory like a sieve I forget my eyes if it weren't screwed into the back of my head money slips through my fingers or no matter what I eat I always gain weight you see these are lies they're not even true but you're making them true so if you're going to tell yourself a lie my immune system is rubbish my metabolic rate is useless why not test that the better lie my immune system is phenomenal my metabolic rate is incredible I whatever I eat I burn it off and I look amazing they all lies but at least have a good one so if you're going to say I can't remember a thing or people see I'm chronically tired I'm exhausted even that isn't you're probably tired but you're probably not exhausted we don't usually have exulters I'm shattered I'm exhausted this kid is making me lose my mind well that's not true you know I worked with a client once and he kept saying constantly and I lost my shit I lost my shit last week with my kid I'm gonna lose my shit next week when I go and visit my parents as with that's not actually true about there's a horrible description because you you're not doing that you wouldn't be walking around in white Levi's if that was really true at least have on a black pair I hope because that's not true so stocks saying I'm losing my shit and amazingly he had gut issues because he said it so often that actually his brain had now made it true I would with a doctor who said you know I'm a doctor and I had this expression I was a lot this is doing my head and it's a very British expression this is doing my head and I got a tumor and I knew it's because I said that this is doing my head in this is making me go mad this is driving me crazy this is getting on my nerves what are you talking about oh my child the one you had IVF for so yeah had IVF I spent five years trying to have this baby and I kept saying it's driving me crazy I'm going insane with tiredness no you're not you are tired little baby then say a little for that long and if you go to sleep when they sleep you'll be just fine stop ironing their clothes and their sheets no one cares about that stuff so you're creating this self-repector you say you're insane with tiredness you're going out of your mind and the truth is you've got a newborn baby you've got someone else's fantasy dream come true so here's a good thing to do if you have a problem as as this question this is someone's fantasy having a newborn baby they go yeah it's my I've been trying to have a baby for years I never had I'd love that fantasy with someone in the world go hey I'd love your problem driving on the freeway and traffic to a job where you get paid I would love that problem your husband leaves his pants on the phone I'd love that problem your kids some is peanut butter all over your stainless steel fridge one day they've gone and you're long for them come back and do all over again so ask yourself two questions is this problem someone's fantasy dream come true with someone love my problem when I have loved this problem 10 years ago and if the answer is yes it's really not a problem if you'll sell my kids in my bed well they won't be in another 15 years they've been someone else's bed and you wonder where they were and you'll be love those days and they're in your bed and then you they were safe there's no 17 year old boys so in their mother's bed maybe two year old a three year old but if your problem isn't permanent isn't personal isn't all pervasive then it's not really a problem so when you complain about your kid being in your bed or your kid getting juice stains on the sofa or their bedroom being messy that's not permanent it's not personal kids are messy and it's not all pervasive because they're not doing it every minute of the day so again we got to talk ourselves out of these things that we make so massive tell us about a lie my kid is acting age appropriate that's a much better lie I've got a kid who won't sleep there's five month old baby that's age appropriate I've got a kid who doesn't listen to me so you I've got a kid who's arguing with me well that's age appropriate they do that when they're teenage just because they're learning to have an opinion and thank god they practice it with you and not someone else so always say this is just age appropriate just age appropriate behavior and then you're kind of reframing it as normal instead of saying oh my kid is just a chronic chronically messy chronically untidy even the words you put in front of words like chronic are always or nightmare or disaster or I've got the you know the worst headache ever you probably just you have got a headache and you're a bit dehydrated it's not the worst headache it's not a screaming headache so we always want to minimize the bad stuff and maximize the good stuff that's how we win at life your words shape your reality and if you look at your words and you say things like oh I've got the worst headache in the world I've got terrible allergies I've got the most sensitive stomach ever oh my guts never really worked properly you're actually going to make that real because your body has no choice but to act on yours and if you could look at inside your body and see what happens when you say chronic stress chronic information chronic irritable bowel chronic headaches you would never do it because your poor body has zero choice it must act on the words you choose to use but you have got a choice you can turn that down I'm an oldie I am tired I'm dehydrated I I need some sleep I need some better food but don't maximize something you don't want to have and don't call it my my my my grade my stress because my is an ownership word call it the this is the simplest thing not a permanent job yeah he's I've got I've got the headache I've got the period pain but it's just a little silly thing I'll be gone soon you know yesterday I was having some dental work and I'm not flying in the chair thinking this is just nothing at all nothing at all it's amazing how just saying that so is nothing I could lie here for three hours because my husband just had him went oh my god it was awful but I say it's nothing at all nothing I could lie here all day I'm just going on a beach I'm so totally chilled out and actually it was nothing at all because I told myself that because the way you feel about everything comes down to two things the pictures you make in your head and the words you say as you get oh my god thinking a bit needles in my gums the drilling I hate that sound or you can say it's nothing at all I feel like I'm floating in my swimming pool having I've got two hours who ever gets two hours of their self I've got two hours in this chair to think about whatever I like I very rarely get two hours to myself because you can reframe anything and when you reframe anything and just make it positive it stops doing what you do it becomes who you are and then it just changes your entire life I love it so reframe everything because that's how you reframe your life you have such an incredible body of work I'm I'm more personally curious than anything else out of all the ideas and the wisdom that you've researched and you've written about what would be one thing that's interested you recently that perhaps you will write another book about or just incorporate more into the things that you you teach and you help people with what's what's a new idea well a new idea that I'm implementing is putting out eating the school system we've suddenly put into so many schools this in a cheerleader the children having their head that believes in them this ability to tell themselves that they're smart and good and capable and it's so sweet because I told them go you know my cheerleader he he cheers me on he tells me stuff when no one else does and to them it's so real so that's always meant the most to me working with children is you know I think all therapists should have a goal let me put myself out of business by making next generation not need therapy which is a big goal but my goal has always been to put myself out of business by getting to the next generation and we're actually doing that which is a wonderful thing I'm writing two books at the moment one is the rules of your mind and the other is on this mastery mastery mindset how to master anything at all but I would say my my heart my passion my biggest joy in life is having been able to get therapy a type of therapy into this forces which is not education it's building emotional resilience you know it's not about how smart is my kid is about how emotionally well is my kid you can know genius is the one to kill themselves I worked as a school where they had 16 kids who killed themselves and they were really smart but under tremendous pressure so you should not be asking is is my kid smart is my kid happy are they emotionally strong have they got the bounce back factor because that's actually more important I know most parents here will say if they have a child I want to be happy and strong being a genius doesn't mean you're going to be happy there I mean look at them Kate spade and and I'm trying to Anthony Borden geniuses from up see more Hoffman genius but they killed themselves who's the other act right he's led your genius but you know she being a Robin Williams Robin Williams yeah you want emotional resilience far more than genius and here's the great thing most schools really want to have high grades but if you have if you give children high self esteem they naturally have higher grades anyways we should a job of a school and a parent is to raise your kids self as if it no one knows what that looks like or how to do it and that's what we're doing we're sharing them well this is what it looks like and this is how to do and if you do this you won't have bullying you won't have kids herself harming you won't have kids or depressed or anxious but you will have kids academically better because they're emotionally resilient and they have high self esteem and the word self esteem of course means what both are hold you in the highest to see is what I think of you but self as in is what I think of me so nobody else can give you self esteem because it's self-esteem you have to give it to yourself and we're doing this with four-year-old six-year-olds ten-year-olds and it's just amazing to see how within a week they're so different because they have some tools that will last for their whole life high self esteem emotional resilience high self-worths and they know they're good at any everything just be good at the thing that makes their heart sing after work hard they're gonna be good at everything how do you think that's gonna impact their life and their career later on in life down the line I think it's gonna have an amazing event you know I see so many children now you know most schools now give children iPads and so they're not drawing or writing they're doing everything on a screen and the screen is very absorbing and children are wired for two things find connection and avoid rejection and if you spend all your life on a screen you're not finding connection you're finding rejection because you're disconnected so it impacts children very well if you can get these children before five they're way less I'd rather use drugs they're less I'd actually go into gangs a lot of studies so you can get a child before five to have this emotional wellness they won't join gangs they won't shot left they won't use drugs they won't self-harm because they have emotional resilience they like themselves they make friends more easily so it's we're already seeing the difference it's making with all of these kids amazing um if people want to if people want to connect with you if they want to obviously I can link all the like all of your past works in the show notes of course but if people want to sort of stay up to date on the new books you're writing or any of the initiatives that you're taking on where should they go if you want to find an RTT even better if you want to become an RTT therapist do what I do no background of therapies required go to RTT.com to either learn how to train with me or to find someone to help me was already trained with me if you'd like some free audios on money blocks love blocks health blocks or success blocks go to marisapir.com they're all completely free to marisapir.com or RTT.com to find out anything you need to know and if you want our program to go into your school system again write to marisapir.com and we'll give it to you completely free really okay amazing so well our initial children's program we would you year long programs down the school does pay but we have shorter programs for people who are in little league or childminders the fighter recommends they're completely free very amazing so I'll link those below um of course now I really appreciate you coming on the last question um and and I feel like I mean you're you're a wealth of knowledge we could probably go forever and you know I'll say whenever you write your next book please come back and we'll we'll have a conversation about that next watch coming in April so not too far away no not far at all okay perfect okay so we'll set it up um the last question I always ask because again you've had an incredible life you put it a great body of work if you go back and tell your 20 year old self one piece of wisdom or one piece of advice what would it be there would be two things that would we tell yourself you're enough and don't look for the people to love you love you when I was 20 I was so busy trying to make this guy love me and you did love me but I was so damaged I just ruined it all so I would say to myself don't give someone else a job of loving you love yourself don't don't give that away love yourself and know you're enough because love isn't to be earned or chased or worked with just to be enjoyed