Lori Harder - Serial Entrepreneur, Best-Selling Author, and Podcaster | How to Earn Your Happy

As you simultaneously are creating the thing that you want, it's vital to be getting in the groups of people who have done it before, even though it's probably the most uncomfortable thing that you will do. Business is the biggest personal development journey I think you'll ever sign up for and you have to be ready and know what to do. I actually did have to leave every single person including my family behind to make a decision for myself that I knew was right for me. What is the one thing that was like this is never done? I think that setting boundaries in a friend group seems crazy to people. Your network is really your safety net so I just feel like when I take so many more risks because I know that I have people who will still love me in my life, whether I win or fail. Welcome to Success Story. I'm your host, Scott Clary. The Success Story podcast is part of the HubSpot podcast network. HubSpot has been a huge supporter of the show since day one and I chose to partner with HubSpot because they support entrepreneurs. At the end of the day, I'm an entrepreneur, a lot of people that listen to this show or entrepreneurs and it's hard and HubSpot creates solutions for entrepreneurs so it's not as difficult. One of the number one problems that all entrepreneurs have is keeping customers happy. It's one thing to acquire customers, keeping them happy, boosting customer satisfaction is a whole other can of worms. It's not easy. But there is an all new service hub from HubSpot and it makes it infinitely easier to scale customer support and increase customer retention. The cheapest customer to acquire is a customer you already have by bringing service and support together in one powerful platform. You can deliver the best experiences for your customers and your team. You free up time for your reps, focus on complex issues because HubSpot has an AI-powered help desk. You proactively drive retention with customer health scores to keep your business ahead, stopping churn and its track and give your entire go-to-market team the data they need to operate as one unified, powerful front. Also, you can easily support, strengthen and grow your customer base. What's the point of acquiring customers if they all just leave? The secrets out, HubSpot's service hub is a game changer. All so you can better connect with your customers and keep them happy. Visit HubSpot.com slash service to do more for your customers today. Thank you for coming on. I appreciate you for joining. I want to start this with a look back when you wrote a tribe called Bliss in 2017. I want to start by looking where you're at now versus when you wrote that book and thinking about what would be one lesson and we'll probably go into a whole bunch that you've learned over five years. That's a long time. What would be one lesson that you've learned that you wish you put in that book? Oh, my gosh. This is a great question. I think how important it is while you're building something and I did talk about this but really understanding the environments that you're in. I talk a lot about how your environment is stronger than your willpower and as you simultaneously are creating the thing that you want. The fact that it's vital to be not only creating these groups that support you but actually getting into groups of people who have done it before, like somehow figuring out how to put yourself in rooms with people who have done exactly what you want to do before, even though it's probably the most uncomfortable thing that you will do. Because you must feel like a massive imposter being around people that have literally just done the thing that you're trying to do so you really have to humble yourself. Yes. Yeah, okay. I get that. And when you think about putting yourself in these rooms, do you think that it's more useful because I have opinions on this but this is not my show so I'm curious. Do you think it's more useful to have people that have just done it or have advanced like far beyond and they've accomplished that five years ago and now they're exceptionally well connected and they've reached like sort of the pinnacle. Where do you think you should spend the most time so like recently done or. I mean, I think there's a lot more when we're thinking about how fast the landscape changes, I think it's more powerful to have someone who has recently done it. Just because if I'm thinking about what I'm doing right now, I'm about to release a product somebody who sold their company five years ago while they while they do have some really deep. Incredible insight. I'm sure on team building and you know, just what to look for in business and where to invest your time. I do think if it depends on what we're looking for if I was asking more about like how to work at the product or what was working right now or you know what hasn't worked recently. That's somebody who would be more recent so it's kind of it's kind of like there's wisdom and value so much wisdom and value in both. So I do think you have to go all over the board and I think it's really powerful to be in a room with someone who's also doing it at the same time as you who's like at the same exact level as you. Because I think that having someone who understands what you're going through and being able to walk arms with somebody who's just as excited as you are and almost a bit like. I think there's also power in being a little naive because I think we're willing to take more risks on things that maybe I would have never gotten into this if I would have known what was all involved, but I'm so glad that I did. I'm so glad I was naive enough to search. Well yeah because then I mean so I believe that if you commit 10 to 15 years of your life to anything you're going to be some version of successful at it but that's like a hard pill to swallow because people don't want to look that far into the future especially with like an instant gratification generation right it's hard to say like I'm going to commit to anything for that long. So people that are you know wise farther along people that have just figured it out people that are doing it at the same time. This all makes sense for people that are like high performing individuals when you look at some of the people that you had in your life do you feel like these are common tropes and common and common tribes and circles and groups or is this so out of line with how most people operate. I mean even if you look back to when you sort of did an audit of your circle and your friends did you find it naturally you gravitated towards any of these types of people doing it just did it doing it five years ago no not at all. No so I am from a really small town and then in upper Michigan we were just talking about this most people look yesterday I was telling someone I was from upper Michigan and they pointed to Detroit area and they were like are you from here I'm like that is lower Michigan that's like a different state essentially. So way up in upper Michigan really kind of felt like the middle of nowhere and then you take a small town and you make it smaller because I was I was raised in a more restrictive religion where I could only hang out with people who were in that congregation so it's like small town then. The congregation was 100 people so I could only hang out with them pretty much my whole life so when you say different circles like to me even even learning how to make other friends after I left that religion after 18 was like the hardest thing on earth not to mention make friends who I thought were extremely smart and further along than me and I didn't graduate high school this was like the most unpleasant thought of my life trying to learn how to create. These different circles of people because I felt like I didn't fit whatsoever so okay so I think that's a pretty common feeling for most people I think it's a pretty common feeling for adults it's not easy to make friends and I think we actually we both have a hack. Because we have a podcast which is outside maybe maybe we're charismatic who knows maybe we're good at parties but this has been by far the best networking tool like I've ever best accidentally. It's why I did it it's literally why I did it because I'm like I'm an introverted extrovert and I need to bring the people to me and I need it to be kind of on my terms in the beginning. Yeah yeah so then if somebody is listening to this and maybe they haven't read your book yet and they're they're super ambitious and they realize like you hear the you know you're the average of the five people that you surround yourself with and they've heard this quote like so many times and like hey Scott shut up I know but how do I actually find those people. It's easier said than done it's easier when I jump on a call every single week or twice a week or three times a week with somebody that has built this sold the company for that raised money for this like is is an influencer is you know a PhD is whatever engineer that exited for a hundred million like that's a wild group of people to pick from many people don't have that especially in small town USA northern Michigan a hundred percent congregation. You're talking to younger you who's aspirational who wants to go build something change the world how do you start. You know I mean I would go back and give myself the same exact advice of what I started to do and in the beginning in the beginning you have to create like your your virtual groups of people you really do. So in the beginning for me it was like okay well I'm going to listen to people on podcasts and that's going to be sort of my initial try right they're not they don't know who you are you're not really in a group but you now have this group of people that you are learning from that you're getting wisdom from I remember I literally would listen to every single talk that Gabrielle Bernstein gave every single podcast that Lewis house had like and I was constantly listening to something or someone and so for me these became my friends in my head they became my my virtual mentors and so there gets a place where you listen so much and you're almost at this place where you're you're getting brave and you're like okay do they have something online or a group that I could go and join and so one of the first things I did actually was with Jack Hanfield way back so we're going away like we're going way back and I ended up going to an event of Jack Hanfields and being like okay I just need to finally like go meet the people in person and it was a three week event but it was broken down into one week at a time throughout the year and I can tell you I think that was like the first door that opened for me of going okay I can't necessarily just go and make these groups myself but I can figure out a way to pay to get in the rooms and by the way I did not have the money at the time like I had to go and create things to create this money in order to get in these rooms so you know I can only give from my experience but I have bought my way into these groups in the beginning and I still do I still do that I still pay my way into the groups that I want to be in and then from there I've been able to make friends and create a ton of these little like subgroups and friend groups and business groups and things like that from that but what happened is when I go to pay in being these rooms other people went to pay in being these rooms so it kind of weeds it out for you they're serious people they want the same thing as you it's so much easier than than what I had done before and going online and just being like hey it looks like we might be like minded do you want to meet for a workout and go have a coffee which I did this by the way I did 50 friend dates in L.A. every single Monday you're wild for that by the way good for you like that I literally was like I was like meet me at orange theory because I'm going anyway on a Monday and I'm like we'll just go grab a coffee for 15 minutes afterward and so if I liked the girl it would be longer the date would be longer if I didn't it was like we just grab our coffee and I would leave but what I wanted what I want to say about that is doing it that way I really only have one friend from that that like stayed in my life but doing it like where you go into these groups where they are you you know what you're getting it's going to be like minded they want to put money down because they're serious about it they want other people to hold them accountable as well I have lifelong friends from these groups that I went in you know 10 years ago that are still in my life I think it's about just shortening like the time horizon to get the results right that's really it you got to find out whether or not I mean we just mentioned how good a networking tool podcasts are it took like whatever five six years for me to meet you right so it's not such a it's not such a quick fix but I mean that's definitely that's definitely one way I've heard of other ways like if you pay for like Equinox and the people around you are all going to be like kind of motivated health conscious but also you have to create the environment where people want to talk business and really get to the root of who you are and if there's money there is motivation to get should done because nobody wants to waste their money they spent so that's definitely one way to do it but I always love figuring out how to build networks from beginning because once you start to build them or what's start to build tribes there is like a little bit of a like a snowball effect but let's look we're going to go into how to build friendships how to build tribes how to build circles and networks and I know you have entire frameworks for that but I want to still back it up a little bit so you didn't have the easiest childhood so speak to me about we sort of touched on religion and we touched on the community you grew up in but there are other difficult parts outside of just being very siloed so there was a lot of I guess like bullying in your community when you were growing up maybe speak to me about some of those informative experiences and how they shaped you into who you are you know when this is the bullying part is so interesting to me because I being raised in the more restrictive religion there were from the podium I was always told like people are going to make fun of you because you're different so it's almost like I knew I was going to get made fun of and I knew that if I was doing this religion correctly that that was coming for me so I actually had the unique perspective of like yes I'm getting bullied before not being able to do you know the the art project with the kids in the same room or I'm the one while they're making a Christmas tree I'm like cutting out a heart and they're like what are you doing and I can't eat the birthday cupcake that's getting passed around and they're weirded out by that like but I knew that if I was it's interesting it was like I knew that if I was being you know like made fun of I guess I was like oh I must be doing it right so that's an interesting perspective of like what you hear that probably actually set you up that probably set you up for the rest of your life because you can tune out you can tune out the bullshit you can tune out naysayers trolls whatever you did it for sure has I actually I have gained so well it's like the religion is I don't even like talk bad about it because to be quite honest it was a huge gift for me I just don't believe it and it's just not my beliefs anymore but I've learned so much from it I literally wrote the book because of you know when we are in transition because I had to transition out of the thing that essentially that was my life that's all I knew and so when you are transitioning transitioning out of everything that you've ever known that is like world rocking what do you do when you are going from who everybody thought you were to this new life and like you're all of the people in your life you have to leave behind some time like for me I actually did have to leave every single person including my family behind to make a decision for myself that I knew was right for me and so that has informed everything that I have written about that I talk about that I talk about on the podcast why I'm so passionate about creating these groups and finding these different rooms because whether you've had to leave a religion like me or whether you've had to leave a marriage or whether you are leaving a job or whether all of a sudden you're you know coming out to your family to tell them you just don't feel a certain way or believe a certain way or anything like that you have to go create the support around this new decision or you'll keep running back to your old lifestyle no matter what like you'll just go back to acceptance and survival because when you think about it in the way that our brains are wired for survival like leaving your old tribe feels like death because that's what your brain is trying to solve. It used to be it used to be though it used to be death yes yes because you can't go out and survive on your own you know you need that to survive and and so we are hard wired like that so back to the bullying thing it's it's weird because I had a unique perspective on it and while it was challenging it sucks in the moment it's also like not permanent and you kind of know you're doing something right is what I've taken from that experience after transitioning into new environment new social circle new tribe that I mean obviously we're skipping a lot of time but this is when you started to find fitness and you started to not only find it in your own life but you helped other people as well start to figure out mental and and physical health and wellbeing how do you think you made like a sort like fitness is just a tool that you that you found what is the lesson in transitioning successfully and joining another maybe different I would say maybe healthier circle or group or tribe do you understand how fitness helped you make that transition was it because it was a distraction was it because it was something that helped you up skill yourself I'm super curious because if somebody for example is let's take a more common example you have a whole bunch of friends that you had from college that are never going to leave your hometown like that's honestly anybody has like built anything significant has gone through this so you realize that your friends don't share your aspirations what was the lesson that you that you got from taking up fitness and taking that and like bring it into your life that you would recommend other people look for in how to when they're trying to have like a soft landing in like a new group new community what what makes it sticky I guess what makes it yeah well fitness runs the the ways that you build muscle in strength and in fitness all of the laws of fitness run parallel to life so when you think about resistance training when you are building your body when you think about how you have to get stronger it's essentially you have to tear down the muscle and when you think about resistance training it's like the amount of time you're putting that muscle under tension and the amount of weight that you are putting on that muscle in order to break it down so that it can rebuild stronger so with resistance training I always look at it you know with life the more resistance that is going on in your life the more opportunity you have I used to have a soul cycle instructor who would always say when she wanted us to turn up the knob she could say put more opportunity on your bite and that meant if I want to use this class like the thought is I can go and sit on a bike next to somebody we do the exact same class right we go for one hour we do the same class if I keep piling resistance on my bike I created way more opportunity for myself for that class to actually do something in my life and so we were on the same bike I just took the opportunity to view the resistance as something that could actually help me where that person just kind of went through the motions and didn't do anything so you can keep showing up in your life and you can have these same exact problems that everyone else has but I have a feeling Scott that you and I look at these problems that are coming in as opportunities for us to grow and get better instead of why is this happening to me over and over again and when I would train people it it's exactly like getting you know they have these goals they're like I want this body I want to feel good I want to feel strong I want to feel confident but when they go over to the weight rack they go and pick something that's not going to change them because I like I don't want to do the heavy weights I'm like but the heavy weights are exactly the way like the it's kind of like the obstacle is the way the heavy weight the heavy resistance that problem that you keep having that relationship that you have that conversation that you don't want to have like that is literally the way to every single thing that you want in your life and so life is already giving us the resistance we don't even have to go create it like we just have to realize that all of these little things are such a gift to go and become the person we want and the people that are successful they lean into them repeatedly they just keep leaning into them now you can lean into resistance and it takes you to a certain spot but resistance is different than rock bottom and I mean if I understand correctly you are at one point kidnapped was that would you consider that to be the rock bottom like that sounds pretty shitty but was there other factors that contributed to like the rock bottom moment in your life or was that sort of the epitome of everything is going wrong? I mean that probably much like your life and everybody you think all the story take by the way I've I've had multiple rock bottoms I think that one was so when I ended up leaving my religion I was you know 18 years old I moved out with a bunch of girls who I had known from the religion and I think that we were all at that point of life and you leave something very restrictive and you just go crazy that's kind of the place we were at in our life and we all went on a and these were my like the girls that I grew up with because mind you there weren't a ton of people to pick from so these were these were the only friends that I knew my whole life and so we end up going on spring break and what happens is a few days in we end up going to this club and super busy like one of the were in in Mexico and we had met these guys from like the state like a neighboring midwestern state so we hit it off with them and we ended up going to the club with them and so I have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night like or during while we're at this club but the line it's spring break it's like going to be an hour so I go down and I'm waiting and I come back up and my one of my girlfriends who always got super drunk was gone and I'm like oh no this is terrible like she I said where is she where she go and the one of the guys was like oh so and so took her back and like this is bad because she was drunk this guy took her back this is awful I ran out of the club by myself and I'm gonna go back to the hotel make sure that she's okay so instead of taking the public bus I thought it'd be safer to take a taxi cab which is not safer than public transportation but I end up getting kidnapped for over eight hours because he wants money and whatever else and assaulted and you know at this point in my life I can talk about I've been through many therapy sessions and things to heal this but it was it was this it was the scariest moment of my life but also I don't know if you've ever had a near like death that has ever happened to you I had a moment where a voice just came in and said this isn't it like this isn't the end like I knew it in the middle of it and so I don't even know how it happened but I ended up starting to talk to him about my little brother like in what I didn't know I was doing and I was asking do you have do you have siblings do you have kids do you like I started talking to him like a human in the middle of this like and full on assault to me starting did like ramble on it and talk in the middle of it and what I didn't know I was doing that I learned later is humanizing yourself in a situation like that when they start to make you human and start to place you as like oh they're like me they have similarities like you trying to find similarities what ended up happening is instead of whatever he was going to do I don't even know because he started to panic like now what do I do with you after all of this you don't have the money that I want like what's going to happen and he ended up agreeing to bring me back and now this was after like four hours of going back and forth with me trying to convince him to bring me back to the hotel and he literally ends up bringing me back to the hotel and with a knife to my neck on his lap but he drops me off probably two blocks away I'm not allowed to look back the whole thing for me that moment I think was a huge moment for me was that what happened the next day was clarity in my life of I went until my friends what had happened and one of the girls who was my best friend said I don't want to hear about it if you don't talk about it it'll go away and in that moment I just like stop talking about it but it's super messed up so messed up so incredibly messed up and the other girl just didn't even she was just parting spring break so that was clarity for me of while these aren't my friends like the people that I thought were my friends they're not my friends and so that made me really dive into it's like even though they were still my roommates that made me start thinking in my life like who are the people I want in my life who am I I don't want to be this person now it took me years after that probably like three years to really clean that up and get clear and do all the things but I did really stop hanging out with those people and started going to the gym really frequently started to ask the bigger questions in my life um there were some other rock bottoms but I think that was the one that woke me up to go these are not your people so I don't think you need that experience to look around your life and go right praying to praying that no need does praying that no one does but I think you can say if I had an experience like that who would the people in my life be that would grab your hand and go oh my god we're in this together whatever you need let's figure this out and and that's huge clarity of either where you need to start putting your energy or where you need to leave like where you need to cut yourself off one of my one of my favorite quotes that you said is you can't rob someone of the rock bottom what does that what does that mean oh well are you do happen to be a people pleaser at all Scott or have you too much too much because I think we have the same personalities so like let's just make assumptions going forward I'm like so you're like me in this we're going um so there's a there's a few examples of this number I I think I want to start with your own rock bottom like I think in my life I've tried to it's it's almost like you were so afraid of hitting a rock bottom we're so afraid of something failing we're so afraid of something being like the worst thing on planet earth and I can tell you that a few of my worst nightmares like losing someone you're really close to being kidnapped of losing everything these have all happened in my life and they have all actually been one of the pivotal moments that I am the most grateful for of of everything that has ever happened so if someone would have even robbed me of some of those moments do I wish it happened? no but did it wake me up to something? did it wake me up to a part of myself or something that was possible for me that I didn't think was possible absolutely we try to soften the blow for people and while that's totally natural and it doesn't mean that we can't help people there is a point of helping and then enabling where sometimes the most powerful thing that could possibly happen for that person is the rock bottom is to have your back so against the wall that they have no choice but to go and try to figure out how to make more money that they go and finally start leaning into that skill set that maybe they knew they could be honed in and worked on it so the other rock bottom was when we Chris and I lost everything it was 2008 in the recession and he was doing mortgaging finance and this is the point where I lost 2008 not good because once that went there were no other jobs we're like okay what else can you do and he's like has this what I do it's kind of gone okay that is a rock bottom but yeah so that's what we had lost we lost our home we lost our cars we were 300 thousand dollars in debt and in the Midwest that was like 3 million dollars at the time in 2008 is what it felt like and that rock bottom woke me up to my entire purpose and before that I wasn't willing to face like my anxiety and panic attacks and I was too afraid to go to school so I had so much shame around that that I wouldn't even try to apply to different things and that one really it forced me into personal training it forced me into opening my own gym it forced me into asking people to be clients and that never never would have happened if that if we wouldn't have had to do it that's so interesting how every time something you didn't want it to happen but like it actually pushes you to a level that you probably wouldn't have reached without that thing happening and if someone would have been there like if my parents would have had money to give me during that time I would have never become the person that I am today who I'm living fully I feel I'm living fully in my purpose and that is really easy and I'm just grateful for that yes this is this is another quote that I really really like you you have a lot of good one liners by the way but anyway this is another quote that I really like without those really hard times you don't get the euphoria on the other side so you don't realize how good you have it or how good you've even come and you don't have to take things for granted it's funny how they seem to leave very quickly so I think that's also it's like this very subconscious it's very subconscious but I think it forces you to respect what the universe gives you and I think that's actually a very important thing when you're trying to translate into very tactical like you're not reckless you can be audacious in your goals you're not reckless with it and that is like a very smart savvy sound business mindset to adopt right and you don't get that I mean this is why pick a pick a high income individual that got money and never really had to work as hard so like somebody actually anybody who got money who's working for it work hard but say like a lottery winner for example that's why they lose their money but also they never really understood what to do with that sort of that gift at the universe is given them it hasn't translated because you've never gone through all the shit and all the you know all the I'm blanking on the word you're not going through all the different except it takes a get there so it doesn't mean as much to you and then you screw it up more often than not this is why I think that like because it's so fleeting even people that again I've seen for example even influencers that for example when viral not a lot of them capitalize on that virality and turn it into like a sustainable business a lot of them it's like a flash in the pen and they don't turn into a Kim Kardashian they turn into I made a little bit of money I'm relevant for a period of time and then I'm gone when realistically if they had gone through normally would take to get to that level of fame or influence or wealth they'd be very good at maintaining that level or that status but they don't because it's so quick and then it leaves just as quickly you know it's like appreciation for the journey and who the journey turns you into and you can't gain that appreciation for what the journey can actually do for you if it happens fast and so I think what makes it strong I'm thinking through too I love the content of rock bottom but that one quote about euphoria on the other side I've never thought of it that way I've always thought of rock bottom as a place where you can't go any lower so that's when you are forced to build and you're forced to grow but the euphoria on the other side creates this perspective of why the journey is so important because you see the dichotomy between and you also hear that too there's no finish line embrace the journey love the journey but what does that really mean you're really appreciating all the shit you're going through to get to where you have to be and I think for anybody who's going through anything right now it's just really the thought of like you're just in the hardest point of the resistance training and what you get to who you get to be on the other side you don't even understand people listening don't understand how cool they actually are and how resilient and how it's going to change their perspective on everything it's an unlock rock bottom truly unlocks a version of you that you didn't even know existed the most admired person in your life well you will feel that way all of a sudden become the most admired person in your life when you get through huge challenges and you walk through the world different when you know what you're capable of even if you're capable of just being able to get through something it really you're really a different person this is why I actually like to remove people from pedestals and I don't like when somebody puts an influencer or a business leader or somebody on a pedestal because it almost I've been successful in my life is I look at somebody and what they've done and then I reverse engineer how they got there and I realize that they're only human and I can map out the steps but to see them as human and not above who I am or what I can become I feel like that's not a normal way to look at somebody I feel like most people look at people that are killing in their career and they have X amount of followers or they sold a company for X amount of dollars and you put these people on a pedestal and you default to the mindset of oh that's for them not us or that's for them not me and I don't know how to retrain people to understand that nobody is that special it's hard work and time and a little bit of luck but no one's that special and nobody's that different but do you have a solution for that I don't know I don't know I'm thinking whether it's appropriate let me think on that for me I'm trying to think right now what made me think that I could go into CPG because that felt crazy to me I was like I would look at these women who had sold companies or who started these credible you went through yes I actually went through this and I think for me it is exactly what you said I would humanize them and either look for stories or podcasts on their journey and really I wanted to hear about what it really felt like and because I'm a huge podcast listener so they just get on and they break it down like what it actually looks like and for me it is taking them off that pedestal and going well they actually had a really hard time wow they actually failed the thing is as we can listen to podcasts and hear it and skip over it but I think the power of what we can do as listeners is actually go okay they lost that company yeah they just went on and went to the next sentence but imagine what that actually felt like for them to lose a company to lose money to have investors be upset with you that they knew they got friends and family involved like that's a big and if you are a human you feel that something you're going to recover from quickly but they just kept going and so for me I just I find stories I find proof I just look for the proof everywhere I can and I'm not looking for why they're better than me anymore I'm looking for why I can be like them like why is it possible for me and so I think even taking that question instead of looking at your mentors and going like oh you know this is why I can't do it obviously we do that sometimes I think if we just go okay show me the proof of why they're human like show me why they're like me show me why I can do this so I go and get everything that's totally different you'll find it we find what we're looking for every single time I just want to take a second and thank the sponsor of today's episode HubSpot now HubSpot has an incredible podcast network the HubSpot podcast network my show success story is part of it but if you love great podcasts you have to listen to my Steph Taylor she cuts to the chase she dishes out actionable strategies on online marketing content creation social media and more Steph is your marketing obsessed friend she's been in the trenches for years she shares what works and what doesn't so you skip that costly trial and error if you crave friendly educational content that gets results imperfect action is your new podcast because it's easy to have this victim mentality as like the world didn't you know deal me the hand of cards that I wish I had but I think that like again you're looking for proof points as to why people that have accomplished it are similar to you you're also probably and tell me if you do this do you look at your past and you start to like map out your wins and your successes to help validate how incredible you are through these like micro wins that you've like stacked up over your lifetime because I think that a lot of people discount micro wins too and they only focus on failures and they forget how many times they've won and how many times they've beat the odds and how many times they've killed it and when you look at the resume all the times you've won in your life which I think for most people it's probably probably but how many times you've won across the course of your life it would be it would almost be like that gives you like the I say delusional mindset to feel like you can accomplish anything because you've already won so much every job you've gotten every dollar you've made every relationship you've built every everything really don't appreciate them so I don't know if you feel like you do that I know that you speak on self-awareness a lot I don't know if that can be tied into it a little bit but I actually do do it and we do some exercises around it so I like to take it to the next level okay good so all of my like ramblings are just like me trying to figure out how I operate so I like when somebody actually practically breaks it down because then somebody is like you can do it and it's like I have a lot of ramblings that you can help me with as well so for this one we like grossly underestimate how much we actually grow in a year and so I think the other thing is that you were saying is we focus so much on where we lost that we just don't even we skip over the end so something that we do my husband and I on the new year but we also do this in-between you guys can try so every new year what we do is we go back through our photo albums and our calendars and we sit with each other and we go month by month so I'll be like okay in January and I'll read what I did oh my god I spoke here I can't believe but I didn't just say I spoke there I spoke here I can't believe I got and buy it there because the year before I did this at one point go back to that version of you and you guys might think this sounds corny but it freaking works like it actually works and I've done this we have done this every year for like 10 years and I'm telling you it just accelerates every single year and so go back through the month with like if you don't have a partner go back with a group of friends it's super fun just be like let's celebrate what happened last year so go through month by month it's so fun to do it together and then what we'll do is sometimes we'll write those big wins on the back of the vision board that we're creating and then the next year you have all the wins that you can look over through all the years of all of these things that you've done and you've been winning at and when I'm feeling really bad which you know is semi-frequently lately just starting a new company called The Power 9 this has been like 15 years that we've done this every single day we do three things we're grateful for three things we're excited about and three things that we're manifesting and so that just reminds me that even during really hard times there's always really good things that are going on at the same time in your life there's really good things that you are excited about but we tend to you know we were chatting before this we tend to make what we do and there's so much of your life that doesn't actually involve like your business or the things that you feel you're failing at and I think you know when we look at life as a whole like how are you doing as a parent how are you doing as a friend how are you doing taking care of yourself how are you doing making yourself proud and so those are categories that I bank more on now than I used to so it's these little tiny things to go back to like stacking things you have to make the little things the big things because they are you have to make the little things in life the big things and so this is a huge focus for me is how can I amplify the small things like my walks that I get to take my voice notes to my girlfriends that I was telling you about because they're just these little moments of connection that happened over the last week even though there were a lot of failures as well so that this has been life changing for me because even though things don't feel great and certain arenas they're still great things happening I love it you called your podcast earn your happy what does that mean to you earn your happy it's an interesting sentence like mood, anxiety, and depression and I used to think I don't know if you remember in spirituality you don't need to earn anything you just get to be happy we're all worthy of being happy I'm like I get it but I don't quite get it so I come from a family that was not very active everyone in my family was really overweight we didn't really exercise I had to go and figure that out of myself which I had high anxiety we didn't eat I had all of the things that go with not moving and not eating well and I thought it was me and so what earn your happy is the understanding that there are things that we need to do as humans to give ourselves the opportunity to be happy whatever that looks like. And so if I'm not feeling great, not that I think we should all feel great all the time, but I do think that you can feel pretty good from most of the day. That I have a couple things that I can check in with and go, did I earn that? Did I earn that emotion that I wanted? Did I do the things that helped me get there? And so the podcast is really like about all of those buckets because I didn't want to just talk about one thing. No, I love the concept of earning earning happiness. I see how like all the work that you do now, everything comes from from you're upbringing at the end of the day. It doesn't. It's all it all shapes who you are, even if we don't realize it. Maybe there's a reason why people should go to therapy to just figure out all the shit that happened to them or kids that made them who they are. When you think about, so we haven't even spoken really about the main work that you've put out in the past whatever six years, which is a tribe called Bliss. And you speak about, we spoke touch on it, but we spoke about mentors and who you should hang out with, but you actually have a framework for how to build out a tribe and how to sort of understand who you should spend your time with and who you shouldn't. And there's like, there's seven, what do you call them? The seven seven agreements for building connection. I've been with her earlier. He's like, what are they called again? Yeah, I know. And he's after 2017 me. Okay. Listen, it was a long, okay, as a long as time ago, you have to write more books that's besides the point. You will write more books. I have no doubt because I know you're going through, you're going through life, you're going through business and, you know, you're, you're evolving and then you'll probably write about the last six years, all the stresses and all the shit that you've learned. So I have a question for you and it could, and the question is actually quite simple. Do you want to teach over very briefly or more thoroughly about tribes and seven agreements and building relationships? I think it's very useful because I think that if somebody comes to this podcast and we don't even touch on it, they'd be slightly disappointed or and or there are probably new things that you listen. When I prepped for podcasts, I did listen to older podcasts. So there are probably new things that you speak about that I don't even know that you speak about. So we can also go into those, like new lessons, new ideas, new, a new thesis you have on life. We can go into that as well. So I will let you choose, but I'll give you the floor. Where do you want to take it? Because we can go either way. So I can kind of touch on because even what I do now still relates to to that to building these communities. So I think now I talk way more about business, but I talk about networking and relationships in terms of like your business, like being able to build your business and accelerate what you are doing. So in the beginning, when I was starting to really want to get into throwing personal development events and writing books and speaking, this was like the beginning. I was not doing this. I was coming from the fitness background. I worked my way up to having a really large online fitness membership at the time. It was like 2500, 2500 monthly members. And it seemed crazy to decide to shut that down because it was running great to go and do these other things that I wanted to do. And that was kind of my that was that was kind of my transition and journey into business and personal development because I was feeling way more recalled into that than I was fitness because that just even though I loved fitness and it was such a foundation for me and it's never going away in my life, I just learned that fitness was the beginning of the spiritual cracking open. And so once I went through this with a ton of women, what happened is not only was I wanting to completely go somewhere else, but even the women that I had worked with for a long time, we're now starting to go, what's next? Like I know I have more of this, this fitness journey just cracked me open to everything else. And now I want more. What do we do? How do we make money? How do we, you know, find these different groups of people? So the book in the beginning, what I did was we put together, like I told you I had gone to the Jack Canfield event and you had mentioned something in passing that he had written in his book, the success principles. And he had kept talking about this mastermind that he was a part of. And that word was pretty new to me at the time. And so at the end of that year, he gave us a challenge to put together a mastermind from the room that we were in. And I was like, I don't, I didn't see people who were kind of doing exactly what I wanted to do who were like my age group and, and you know, just exactly what I wanted to do. So I was like, okay, I'm not going to do it in this group, but I'm going to go find women who want to be speakers who want to write a book and who want to like expand their career. So I went online and there was another woman who was looking for kind of the same thing. I knew we're in passing. I don't even know how our communities like kind of interconnected, but we had messaged each other like, hey, I'm looking for an accountability partner. You know, I just went to this thing. They call it a mastermind. They say it's great with three to four people. Do you know anybody else who would want to do this thing? And so this thing turned into like eight years long of three of us who had never met before, but knew that we had the same goals. We would meet every other week for one hour. We were just like, hey, are we committed to this? And there's so much that went into that to be able to meet for eight years. Like, let me tell you, there's a road book on it for our reason because just showing up and like being consistent. And let me tell you like having to be accountable to two other people who are also doing big things was like, you will face off with your demons. But so that was the initial how this all started and how I started writing about it. And from that as well, I was doing personal development events and I was breaking these women out into these groups. I was doing the similar things that we were doing on these calls in these three day like Tony Robbins style retreats where we would break them into groups have them connect deeply ask a certain set of questions to each other share do all the things and voila, all of a sudden these women are creating these incredible relationships and breakthroughs and still to this day we have so many best friends business partners like insane things that have come from these events of creating these little groups for people where they are supported and committed to each other and they have a toolbox around what happens when you, you know, things get weird what happens if someone disappoints you what happens if there's gossip in the group what happens if someone comes in with really high expectations and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, like that's not my expectation. So it confronts every weird thing that was happening for me and female relationships that either made me run or made me want to run made them want to run made us not want to come together. It really is like relationship 101 for friendships, but also like partnerships and I didn't have I didn't have those tools. So I like really messed it up a lot in the beginning and that's why I wrote the book is like all of these tools are the things that I've used that have now helped me so much in business like if I didn't understand these communication tools I swear to you I would have no dollars because I do think it's relationships and I think it's you know connections and of course you have to be business savvy but I I really think it is your ability to lead a team and communicate and how you're communicating to your customer and there's just you know business is business is the biggest personal development journey I think you'll ever sign up for and you have to be ready and know what to do. So the book does translate and these groups translate into the work I do now and it's to like these different business events I do. There are obviously there's a lot in the book there's seven agreements but you mentioned a few that included honest communication dropping expectations I mean if you're going to pick I don't know like you pick the most I don't want to say impactful because I don't want you to have to rank your ideas from best to worst but what I mean is what are the things that people have the most trouble with what is the one thing that was like this is never done this is the one thing that moved me deal for me the most that is I guess it's like it's it's something that people take for granted or a misconception about communication, relationship building, tribe building, whatever it is. I've got two I think boundaries and expectations are really big ones for my life and for what I've found like in other people's lives I work with mostly women like when we do events and stuff so I think that setting boundaries in a friend group seems crazy to people they're like oh my god I can't imagine like that seems really like strict oh my gosh it's right what that means to paint the picture of what that looks like. So what happens is you know you okay let's say you're going to start one of these groups and you find these two other people and they're like great let's meet every other Thursday at 7 a.m. for one hour and this is what it's going to look like there's this format it's going to be 20 minutes each there's going to be a person who times it no one can go over the call you're never laid on the calls the calls never run over time because then what happens is someone's going to get resentful because they can never plan around it or they're always late to pick up their kid or whatever that looks like and if you miss more than two in a row then you're just not in the group anymore unless it's obviously a huge family emergency or something because we want people who are committed and to a lot of people that scares the shit out of that they're like no like this is that's a lot that's too much like that doesn't even feel good and I'm like okay and then that's not necessarily what I'm looking for right now and I think for people to say exactly what they want and exactly what they're looking for and set rules and parameters and have boundaries around it I think that that is like it goes against what we think is nice or what we've been raised to think is nice like oh you should understand or oh you should you know get them the opportunity or the opportunity in the doubt is that the right word benefit benefit of the doubt yeah but I know you so it's like in your midwest so you're super nice oh your oh my gosh painfully nice like this was so hard for me to be like this is what we said and it's not this is not what's working and so the result that we all want is not happening and so people really really struggle with holding like that boundary or holding that expectation around around what they want and then expectations are huge because so for me this one translated there's a million different ways that this can translate but when I first really started looking for girlfriends and when you're older this is like oh my god how do you even make friends I had this best friend checklist in my head and I didn't know that I had it so maybe anyone who's ever been single before can understand you have this idea in your head of what you want and the second someone kind of falls out of that you're like I don't know I'm not really interested and so I wanted this girl to work out I wanted her to be adventurous and fun I wanted her like wine but not too much like she couldn't be too crazy but it hurt her to be like fun and funny but also want to go super deep like as she needed to do oh she had to be into like what I was once a while so fashion sometimes I didn't even know this was going on so when somebody would like not fallen to these things I would write them on I'm like god they're just I'm just not really you know I'm not this I I can't lean into they're like this or they like that or they didn't like this or yeah but they don't what are we gonna do in the winter that she's in snowboard or go on trips that's so boring or oh she only wants to talk about business or oh she only likes to adventure so guess what I had zero friends still like after two years of trying this because I just that's truly I had a checklist so the expectation of nobody can be everything for you no one person can be everything for you you have to collect people and when you do this when you see the thing when you find just want just find the one gift that they bring into your life and focus on that and then go find another person who like you know I I'm an I'm an adventure person I love to adventure but I don't like to just adventure that's not my life so I had one girlfriend who always wanted to surf and I was like I can't just like always surf with you but now I'm so obsessed with her because she's the girl that I'm gonna go to when I'm like let's just adventure and I don't want to talk about anything else and now I have my business friend who I know is actually incapable of not making everything about business and now I'm obsessed with her I don't have to like be irritated that that's all she wants to do because when I when I can put them in these categories of who I know they are they can show up so incredibly them and help me in a way that I can't even fathom in my life and I appreciate them so deeply and also this is life changing if you are in a romantic relationship because not only it's like Chris doesn't have to be everything for me anymore my husband doesn't have to listen to me when I want to analyze the shit out of everything for the 200th time I've got my best friend Lindsey Schwartz who's gonna be like say it one more time you know you need to process again where he's like he's heard at once and wants to fix it like it has changed my entire life you can take it a step further I think even so the boundaries that I think people don't set they are like communication boundaries like how much you text how much you called you have to respond right away and obviously it gets more sensitive with like a romantic partner but I think business partner employees friends nobody sets boundaries and we're always on 24 seven and even friendships can be draining if you're sending six minute voice notes right and the person feels guilty that they didn't respond right away that's not good either totally um so with one of my favorite things to do is if you're like you know where do I even know where to start with boundaries is you just have to ask yourself where are you feeling most resentful in your life so this might bring up like it might bring up people's names it might bring up you know and most likely it's gonna bring up somebody's name you'll probably have one to three people where you're like oh so resentful of this and typically I believe majority of those relationships could be saved um by you going okay one of my saying yes to that every single time I'm getting resentful of this person because I haven't set a boundary or I haven't told them that that's not okay or I haven't told them like hey I'm just not gonna pick up your call if it's before 9 am because that is my gym time like yeah those are all things that we don't have to carry around and feel resentful in fact I think not setting boundaries is you sabotaging relationships in your life wow I yeah because you could you could save the relationship because setting the boundary well it's hard but then there's going to be a point where the relationship is is so stressful and you're so resentful that I actually believe there is a point where setting the boundary becomes a more comfortable thing right before the relationship is but it's in that moment that you choose to not set it and then you break the relationship I think that's what happens because you'll get because the feeling of reset will it will it will overcome you and then the the hard conversation no longer feels that hard when you're actually like aggressively pissed off at a person it doesn't feel bad anymore because then you have anger driving that conversation which is not good anyways but you could still have the conversation and you won't feel as apprehensive about it oh my gosh I have so many moments of this like but we have we have this really high performing friend that you probably know like super high performer and we end up moving like next door to this person like very like we see them in the neighborhood all the time and and he ends up asking us to dinner and like we have this incredible dinner with him and his wife and we're like oh my god that was so much fun and at the end of the dinner he goes look I like you guys but if we're going to be friends you have to know that I probably won't do this again for a year like you can't I probably won't answer texts I'm terrible this is the kind of friends that I have we need to be able to drop in and pick up where we left off and if if you want that kind of friendship I am all a and if not I can't do it you're like great that's how we are this is wonderful but I was like that is next level like he couldn't even leave the dinner without telling us because he didn't want to feel and that's what he said he's like I can't even feel any sort of like I have to do something because he was that at his capacity in life that he's like I won't even let anything in like I thought that was so next level like refreshing honesty that Chris and I like high five after that and we're like we should beat that's what this is awesome yeah that's that's that's intense but you know what nobody's offended I was not offended at all no no I was great for the um I was I was grateful to witness what that looked like like what that could look like because I wasn't offended the way that he said it was so like I want you in my life but these are this is the only way this will ever work and so for me I took that as a lesson of where could I actually gain something or gain a relationship that I'm avoiding because I do this all the time I avoid where I know I could be girlfriends with someone or couple friends with people um but I'm scared they're gonna want too much and that's not where I'm at in my life right now so that was really refreshing and I've used things like that um just like upfront being like hey I'm not that person who's gonna respond back to text right away or whatever that looks like and and that that just kind of it it it takes you off the hook and then it also gives you an opportunity to see how how that person respects you and respects what you what you stand for and I think that's also very telling oh my gosh so I just I'm sorry I'm going off because we were just both podcasters and you just just like go out go out so I just I just interviewed Trent Shelton and we were talking about he said I wrote it down he said um if if a no makes somebody upset in your life it probably was never met they were probably never meant to be in your life like if you setting a boundary if you say no for you like if it's truly something that gives you peace in your life and helps you be more you and keep the things that are sacred you know in your life then that person would have eventually burned out of your life anyway or it's a good thing because they they weren't for you anyhow so it's just such a good reminder for me if it if no turns people off they were not meant for you and how many relation to oh my god like I was gonna say how many relationships last I keep thinking about it in like a romantic context because those are the ones where you have trouble saying no the most um but I think for of course friendships business partnerships people that you should have fired um maybe time you should have fired yourself from the company because they weren't serving you like the these types of relationships they can last in a non-romantic context for years in a romantic context I think for like lives yeah and you know what's interesting about that as you were talking and that's I think that's what people start cheating itself like that too because yeah they don't have hard conversations so it's easier to sneak away and yeah and so I think that's where okay so thinking in terms of like romantic relationship I think you know if the no because maybe someone's thinking okay well that just let somebody have bad behavior and never do the things you know never compromise or maybe do the things that people want but if no turns people off and makes them upset that's one thing but no is also an opportunity for the other person to have a conversation around hey when you said this this is how this made me feel I understand that this is a this is a boundary but maybe we could compromise here so I do still think it holds true like if no makes people upset and turns them away that's not a great person because you do want at least somebody to open up conversation around correct yeah that's very good very very good um okay what else what other final bits of wisdom or if there's more on this but I don't want to I don't I don't want to I think there's like a perfect lesson to take away from this from this show um I'm just thinking about it in real time which is the worst thing to do when you're on a podcast because I want to like I want to sit in it but I can't because I got to keep talking to you but I think it's a very powerful idea um what are some of the more are the more current ideas or concepts or lessons that really mean a lot to you the you've sort of included into your content it included potentially into a new book idea that has not been announced or released yet but you're just like ruminating on things that you've learned over the past six years that are like hyper top of mind outside the stuff who just sort of spoken about for the last hour in a bit it's just this is this stuff is following me so it's just getting like more in depth and deeper meaning um your network is really your safety net so I just feel like when I like I take so many more risks because I know that I have people who will still love me in my life whether I win or fail um you know I these groups that I've created in these girlfriends and these friends that we have in our life are truly they are my launch pad they're my crash pad they're my safety net they are the thing that I take I'm willing to take big leaps because of the people that I have in my life but in order to get these people you have to be willing to be vulnerable and speak what you need and that I think that's the journey is like they are human beings and friendships and business partners and whatever else like they are just constantly reflecting back to you know like what you need to work on more and you know I went um the whole the whole safety net thing just like kind of came to me because when we were doing this couples mastermind and you know we were trying to push people to their edges so we're like I don't know let's like make everybody do trapeze class well I don't love heights and I had to do it too so why I did this to myself I'm not sure but it's just kind of what I do um so I'm on the ground before I go up there and I'm like I can't believe I'm doing this like why am I doing this but the thing that made me do it is before you even climb this tiny ladder to a very high trapeze bar they go around and they want you to help them check the safety net with them so that you are confident and you know that it's secure when it falls and then they also teach you how to fall like before you even go up there it's not if you fall it's like okay here's the proper way to fall because you're going to and I think that that's a metaphor like well yes exactly and like and I did the wonkiest fall ever I even did it wrong but it was fine but that was it was just such a powerful moment for me of wow I'm willing to go and do something that like I would never do because we went and checked this safety net and like where in life am I securing my safety net before I take these risks and for me before I raised money before I decided to start a company like there were things I did in my life to be like okay I have this group and I know that they can help me through learning how to raise money okay they told me they would direct me this is great okay I have this group who said hey when you get to this point don't worry it's gonna feel like this but I've got these people we can talk about it and we'll go through this I'm like all right safety check number two like I had these different places where I knew I wasn't just free falling you know I was like I'm gonna be I'm gonna have some form of net there doesn't mean that I'm gonna be successful it just means I have these points where it's like I also had friends who failed companies so I knew like it's bad but you you get through you also get through you don't die and when people don't have those reference points you think of dying you really do you think of like the worst case scenario all the time and the thing that saved me the most is I allow myself to go to worst case scenario like I'll go to the ultimate worst case scenario what's the worst case I lose everybody's money they never want to work with me again I can't make money after this everybody thinks I'm a fraud then people think I spent money on like I'll go there okay great like could I live with that do I know that are those things true or not could I prove they're not true obviously great okay you will survive do you still think you could go and create something else yes do I have these people who still love me yes I do okay let's leap and so I don't think people go far enough down that road and securing their nets and getting these groups of people and that's why they don't ever start and that's why they're too scared to finish and that's why they don't even take the leap is because they don't feel safe like why would you you know it's like people need to people have this concept of failure but they don't actually explore it enough that's really it they just don't they're scared of even exploring the concept of failure which is what blocks them from even starting which is so ironic um amazing okay I want to I want to I want to first of all what are people looking for in the what are people looking forward to excuse me in the future what are you what are you you know what new products where do you want to point people social website you have a new CPG product out as well we'll put everything in the show notes but just talk about where you're going in the future what people can like sort of look out for hmm well thank you so much for me on this was so much fun so I'm taking a big leap into something new for myself and it is a product and it is a skin routine you can drink so essentially it is a powdered packet that you can put into water because I'm like a toddler I need flavored things to drink more water and I know water is like one of the most essential things I can do for my personality and my mood in my life and I've always been that way except one day I was like what am I putting in my water three times a day I decided to explore it and I have a health and fitness background and I'm very habitual and ritualistic and I thought what if I could make this better like what if I can make this around some things what if I could make this so that I didn't feel as bloated and what if this could help my skin and what if this helped me drink more water so that's exactly what I did is I just improved something that I already loved and made it really speak to myself and my community because I didn't feel like there was something that really said like this is for you and so I created what I wish existed and I'm really excited about it it's called glossy again it's a skin routine you can drink um we have an amazing clinically studied probiotic in there it's just super awesome ingredients that I'm like I need to take more of this but I'm not because I hate taking pills as well um and that is at getglossy.com is g-e-t-g-l-o-c-i.com and we are creating um what I what I want to be like a very sought after ambassador program because I'm very I'm taking my network marketing background but kind of making it more fun okay I don't know much so network marketing is is is one of the best hacks to build the business you can get people to evangelize your product it's not easy to do but if you can do a right it's amazing but good luck yes it's not easy. Well we had a team of two we had I think we had 265 we still do 265,000 people in our downline and we've been in network marketing for 15 years and like so team getting people hyped getting people excited recognizing people it's like my favorite then getting people to gather that's fine with that combined with like a very good product at the end of the day if you have a very which is most important that is that is everything yes we're correct yeah yeah no I've um I I I'm absolutely amazed at how people build like these massive downlines and these massive network marketing companies because this is what every marketer's dream is to get like this viral word of mouth basically and it is so hard to accomplish and it's so expensive to accomplish but if you have a great product and you can get people excited about evangelizing your brand that way my god it's like very strong very very strong marketing that's where my energy is right now is around like what are the incentivizations we're playing with yeah not just money but recognition and also like events and getting them on like these different trainings or experiences that they would ever get access to so we're playing with all of those levers of like trying to really remember back like what what would make me take action um and those were those were the main things awesome good luck I mean I'm excited to watch this so we'll put that link in there yeah for real no I so I mean I've never been in the network marketing world but I've seen some companies and like uh uh uh uh Ray from Monat like I he's down to South Florida he's a really good friend like uh he's killed it obviously so I see examples of how this works but it is an absolute beast and you have to figure out everything in the construction and the the trainings and the like he said the right like the whole that everything but if you get it right it is it is the biggest marketing hack if you can figure it out um yeah of course okay so uh socials where are you on social what's your Instagram what's your website everything's just Lori Harder so just my name everywhere that's so easy okay so at Lori Harder um you will probably release books in the future but nothing new yet so if people want to read they're still going to a tribe called Bliss and uh just to finish it up two questions I ask everyone first question um looking back what would you tell your 20 year old self hmm buckle up nope haha that's not it's a valid at the valid point yeah it's gonna be a ride for sure what would I tell 20 year old self probably I I think I would have really sat down and tried to explain the lesson of the resistance training like to lean into the hard stuff um that would have been yes that that would have been key for me amazing um and outside of like business success uh you know you've had many seasons to your life you look at you look at where you're at now um what is success mean to you hmm I am in the season of understanding like what I feel successful is when I'm having fun in my life um when I when my relationships feel really good like you know those times when you're walking around or especially because my my husband's gone a lot right now he's he's actually doing a a bintek app and so he's traveling all the time and so he has to come on to that yes so when you're alone it's like those moments of do I have someone that I would want to call right now and my answer is always yes like I always have somebody that I would love to talk to you I have people that I would love to go to lunch with like I have people that I just I have such good friends in my life that is success to me um and to be doing things that that making sure that I'm still pushing my edges um because I think that challenge is a big key to my happiness and when I get too comfortable I'm not happy so am I challenging myself are my relationships good and am I having fun that's when I'm like my family life is that good so that's success