Lessons - He Grew a Church From 20 to 15,000 Members by Teaching One Lesson Nobody Wants to Hear | Keion Henderson - Founder of The Lighthouse Church

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In this lessons episode, discover why lasting relationships require intentional effort rather than conditional love.

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Understand how forgiveness and communication build stronger connections.

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Explore why meeting others where they are creates deeper intimacy.

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And uncover how sacrifice and commitment can transform the way relationships are built.

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Why Lazy Love?

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because most love is lazy.

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It is such a difficult thing to accomplish.

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Real love, self-sacrifice, um...

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To love somebody who hurts you, to love somebody who offends you, to love somebody who doesn't mean you any good, and you still have to show up in a loving spirit, it takes a lot.

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And I've discovered through my research through the Bible, and the Bible says in Hebrews 6 and 10, it says that I would not have you to become lazy in your work and in your love.

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And when I read that scripture, I thought,

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Most people use the word lazy, and it's typically about work ethic.

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But it is hard to forgive and you can't be lazy when you do it.

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I talk in the chapters about the word forgiveness and the four threats are the lack of forgiveness, the lack of communication, the lack of misunderstanding, the difference between sex and intimacy.

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Right.

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The lack of communication that there's all of these these different threats.

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And when I got to the lack of forgiveness part, I talked about how the word forgiveness, I wanted to change it to be forgiveness.

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It's called forgiveness, but it's really before.

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It's like the forehead, not F-O-U-R, F-O-R, forehead.

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So the forehead is called the forehead because it is foremost.

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It's the beginning.

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Before the body begins, you have to get to the forehead.

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So forgiveness cannot come after pain.

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The forgiveness has to come before you're hurt, which means I have to decide that I am a forgiving person even before I'm a hurt person.

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Trying to forgive somebody after they hurt you is like trying to build an airplane in the air.

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It has to be built before it takes off.

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So that's the substratum of the book.

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And that takes a lot of work.

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Why lazy love?

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Because I would say 90% of us, if not more, that's the kind of love we're practicing.

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The kind of love that just easily says, you know what, you hurt my feelings, so I'm done with you.

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The kind of love that says, you know what, I don't feel like having to talk today.

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I don't feel like conversating.

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The kind of love that you tell your spouse, you know what, she says, honey, what's wrong?

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Nothing.

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Oh, man, we got it bad.

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Nothing.

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What's wrong?

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Nothing.

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You want to talk about it?

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I'm good.

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That's lazy.

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I can't remember who came up with this idea, but I thought it was so brilliant.

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It was the relationships that survive

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And it was in a relationship like romantic husband-wife context, but it can be any relationship.

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The relationship to survive is whenever there's a disagreement, as opposed to being repaired to 99%, it's repaired to 101%.

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That's the general context, because when the relationship is just repaired to 99%, it's like death by a thousand cuts over a period of time, it's never repaired whole again.

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And it's so interesting because I'm sure as a spiritual leader, a lot of people come to you with their relationship problems.

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And you talk about like lazy love that you just mentioned.

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That's the issue that causes people to in 5, 10, 15, 20 years split up and break apart and hurt the family and go their separate ways.

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So...

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in a romantic context, even in like a business relationship, friendship context, out of all the people that you've spoken to, what is the secret to repairing relationships to 101% outside of just what you just mentioned before getting into a disagreement saying I'm going to be a forgiving person?

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Because I think it's easier to say that than to do that.

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Because when you could say that and then something happens, then you're like, shit, no.

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Now I actually have to be a forgiving person.

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And I think that that's where a lot of people fail.

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Yeah, so I think that the easiest way to get there, and I think there are several ways to the end of that road, but I think that what I've discovered is copious amounts of communication, obviously.

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We are human beings, not human doings, so we have to give ourself credit that it takes time to become anything.

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And so don't beat yourself up if you get it right once and then get it wrong five times after that.

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You're going to get there eventually.

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This is not about perfection.

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This is about, you know, doing your best.

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And then I would say, you know, for people who think that it's easier said than done.

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But there's nothing can be done until you start doing.

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So if you're going to stay on the easier said than done side and never do that, it'll never be done.

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You got to try.

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You got to you got to give it some effort.

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You got to say, you know what, the thing that I am doing isn't working.

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So let me try somebody else's.

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And then here's the second thing, Scott.

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I think that we have to obliterate this this new filed 50 50 rule in relationship.

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I think this is the real issue because if you have had a rough day, you probably don't have 50% to give to your spouse.

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See, it's not about meeting me in the middle.

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It's about meeting me where I am.

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And when we are intimate, and when I say in the book, intimacy really means intimacy.

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When you see into me, you recognize something's off today.

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Ah, you know, he only has 70% today.

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I'm going to give him 30.

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Tomorrow.

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You may have 10, but because we are intimate, I see it, and I'm going to bring the 90.

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So I'm going to meet you where you are and not in the middle, because if you've got 30 and I meet you in the middle, then there's 20% that's still left undone.

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So we have to get rid of this 50-50 thing.

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And I know people mean it in financial ways, but I believe that they mean it in a lot of other ways too.

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It's not even financially.

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If you've carried your wife for 13 years at 100% and you fall on hard times,

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She should be willing to do 100% until you can rebound.

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This 50-50 madness has us in a position of waiting, saying, okay, I did my part, when are you going to do the rest?

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Meet a person where they are and not in the middle.

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And that's true, love.

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That's a true, that's true.

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The opposite of lazy.

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What are the, there's four types of love, and I guess these are, I guess, older principles, the Greek types of love that you speak about.

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And I don't want to mispronounce these, because I don't speak Greek.

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But what are these four types of love?

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Because I've never heard of these before.

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I think it's fascinating.

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How do they affect relationships?

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So there are, these are Greek words.

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And so the first one is agape.

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Agape is the kind of love that describes the human divine connection.

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Like it's the love that God has for mankind in spite of his wickedness and ebleness.

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He loves them anyway.

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That's agape.

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Then you have storge, which I believe you're looking at.

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You have, then you have phileo.

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And so let's talk about phileo.

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This is an easy one.

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So your readers or listeners will get this in their mind.

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Phileo, Greek word, is where we get our English word, Philadelphia.

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It means brotherly love, which is why Philadelphia is the city of brotherly love.

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So Phileo is the love I have for you as my brother and the love you have for me.

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Mutual respect.

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I got your back.

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You got my back.

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I love you no matter what.

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You love me no matter what.

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Then you have Eros, which is where we get our English word erotic.

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Right.

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So this is where we find the difference between sex and intimacy in this eros love.

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So they are I brought in the original words as you refer to them, the the older text words, because the truth is, is if we're ever going to solve our love problem, we've got to get back to the original principles.

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See, right now, love is this.

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You look on Instagram and you see two people holding hands and I saw this.

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This is probably the grossest thing I've ever seen.

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I saw a picture of a toilet that was like a double toilet.

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And it's talking about if you ain't willing to sit on the other side, then you don't let it sit.

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This is we're reducing something so strong to something so silly.

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Like if we're not holding each other and kissing each other in the face and holding hands 24 hours a day, if it ain't that kind of love, I don't want hashtag, I don't want hashtag.

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We've got to get back to the original principles of love.

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And what is that?

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Am I willing to sacrifice who I am and what I believe I deserve or your benefit, even if I get nothing in return?

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Where I got the title lazy love from is in the text that I told you about, Hebrews chapter six, it says that I would have you not be lazy.

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I looked at the word sloth.

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It says slothful in the original language.

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Well, I looked up the animal, the sloth.

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Did some interesting research on the sloth and found out that we always see it moving real slow.

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You know how a sloth is always moving?

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I had to ask myself, why is this animal moving slow?

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I mean,

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No other animal does this.

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Why is it moving slow?

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Did some research.

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You can find this out, that sloths in and of themselves are not actually slow animals.

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The leaf that they eat in the wild, in their diet, actually contributes to the slothfulness because they're literally high as a result of the chemical interaction of the leaf with their system.

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So when you see them moving slow, they're under the influence of their diet.

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And that's when I realized that...

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that when people find what I'm saying difficult to understand is because they have to contend with what they digest.

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Who raised the attachment stops?

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What did you see growing up as a child?

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What did relationship look like in your household?

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Because that's what informs you psychologically.

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And what I'm saying may be foreign to somebody.

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Doesn't mean it's wrong.

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It could be the leaf they're eating.

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It could be the tree that they've eaten from all of their life, which contributes to how their mind works when they hear information introduced that's not a part of the origin of how they think.

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Thanks for tuning in.

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If you found this valuable, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode.

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And if you want to dive deeper into this conversation, check out the links in the description to watch the full episode.

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See you in the next one.