Koya Webb - Get Loved Up Founder & Author of Wellbeing Rituals | The Hidden Cost of Success: Why High Achievers Burn Out and How to Listen to Your Body

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Track and field was your ticket to travel, Inspire, ticket to have purpose.

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What happens when your ticket gets taken?

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When that happens, you have to ask yourself, am I going to let this break me, or am I going to let it build me?

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And for me, when that happened, I let it build me.

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Today's guest is Koya Webb, a wellness entrepreneur, spiritual teacher, and author.

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She helps people create healthier, more purposeful lives through wellness, spirituality, and self-love.

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In this conversation, she shares her journey through adversity, emotional healing, and personal growth.

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You are not a victim.

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You are a creator.

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What does that mean?

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The first time you're harmed, you are a victim.

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However you were harmed, whatever happened to you, after that, it can build you or it can break you.

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And then you say, based on that, this is how I'm going to move forward.

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So you become a creator.

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Why are we so afraid to feel our emotions?

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I think we're afraid of judgment.

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We have a negative relationship with full expression.

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Most people are not fully expressed.

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I believe we're here to express.

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My fitness pal is a success story partner.

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Now, there's this thing that happens when you start paying attention to what you eat.

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And I think we can all agree that we want to care about our health and our wellness and our nutrition.

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But more often than not, we just kind of think we eat clean.

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We think we eat healthy, but we're not really, really paying attention to every single meal and what makes up every single meal.

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But just by paying attention and starting to log and track what you eat, you start making better choices without really trying.

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And that surprised me because when I first started using the MyFitnessPal app, and I've been using it for a while now, it's a nutrition tracking app, and I started logging what I was eating,

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It started showing me my macros, which means how much protein, carbs and fats I was getting.

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And then I started to understand why some days I felt good, high energy.

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Some days I felt like garbage because those three things, proteins, carbs, fats, that's what your food is made out of.

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And the balance between them affects everything.

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So my fitness pal app truly changed my life when it came to managing my food, which managed and helped everything else.

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Now on the premium version of the app, it breaks down those numbers by meal.

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So not just seeing one calorie number for the day, I can see what's happening at breakfast versus lunch versus dinner, where my protein actually lands, whether I'm eating enough earlier in the day or piling everything on at night and all of a sudden,

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When I'm crashing at 3, 4 p.m., well, I can take a look and see, it's not so surprising anymore based on what I ate or what I didn't eat.

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So that's what I mean when I say that MyFitnessPal is a great app for awareness.

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It's not obsessive, it's not stressful, it's not time consuming, it's actually the opposite.

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Guessing is stressful.

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When you have all the information, the food you eat, your nutrition,

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becomes way easier to keep up with.

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Also, a lot of people stress out that logging food is gonna be very time consuming.

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It's not.

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And if it was annoying, I'd stop.

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But what I love about the app is that they've made it super, super simple.

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They've removed all friction in food logging, right?

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They have the largest food database out there.

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So whatever I'm eating is already in it.

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I can voice logs, so I can just say what I'm eating.

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They have a barcode scanner that handles all the package stuff.

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They have a tool called Meal Scan, which lets me point my camera at my plate and it breaks down all the macros and then logs it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, whatever.

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And the app remembers my regular meals.

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And I'm really just in and out of the app in seconds.

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And on top of that, it connects with over 40 fitness apps and wearables.

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So my workouts, my nutrition, they're all in one place.

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See, food is the foundation of everything.

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your energy, your sleep, your weight, your recovery, your performance, at work, at home.

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And I really believe that when you start to pay attention to what you eat, every single part of your life improves.

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And to be honest, for me, it's the most useful tool because when I see the information, when I see what I'm eating,

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and I feel the effects of having good nutrition and good food at the right time, the decisions on what to eat become obvious.

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Not because someone told me to eat better, it's because I have the data.

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And the data makes it super, super easy to stay on track.

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So please do yourself a favor, go to podcast.myfitnesspal.com and use code Scott.

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That's S-C-O-T-T, all uppercase letters, for 15% off MyFitnessPal Premium.

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That is podcast.myfitnesspal.com, code Scott, for 15% off.

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MyFitnessPal Premium.

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Koya, you said track and field was your ticket to travel, ticket to inspire, ticket to have purpose.

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Then one day walking to class, your back broke.

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So what happens when your ticket gets taken?

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I think we've all experienced like having our hearts set on something and then it's all of a sudden taken away from you.

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And I think when that happens, you have to ask yourself, am I going to let this break me or am I going to let it build me?

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And for me, when that happened, I'm going to let this break me.

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I let it build me.

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And I didn't at first, though.

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I was depressed.

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I was crying in classes.

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I got sent to the counselor.

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And...

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I got sent to a yoga class.

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Let's talk about a yoga class for an athlete, not someone who does yoga, because I do yoga now, but I didn't then.

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So I go in this yoga class as a tight athlete.

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I can't even touch my toes.

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I can long jump, high jump, shot put, javelin, heptathlete, but I cannot touch my toes.

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I'm not flexible.

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So all this bliss they're talking about, I would find in yoga class, I did not feel.

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No one looked like me.

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I'm the only brown girl in class.

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I'm like, I don't belong here.

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Right.

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And so I was very like felt out of place.

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I felt unflexible and it didn't make me feel any better at first.

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But then when I stayed with it during my first class, the teacher came with me and she said, she saw me struggling.

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She was like, Koya, don't worry about the poses, just breathe.

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And she took this deep inhale with me and exhale.

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And I felt these chills all over my body.

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And for me, chills on my body is a spiritual yes.

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Growing up in the church, I had this connection with God and that was the alignment for me when I feel the full body chills.

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And so when I felt that, I was like, all right, this hurts.

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I don't feel like I belong, but I'm staying here because I felt I got that spiritual sign.

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And when I tell you it built me, after a year of yoga and recovery, I came back and was ranked 13th in the nation, helped lead my team to a conference championship.

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And then I end up going to L.A. to train in the Olympic Training Center.

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That's all another story.

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I didn't get there, but it healed me so much that I was able to do everything that I set out to do before I got injured.

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But I had to go in that valley.

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So I think it's important when you feel like your ticket is taken, you lost the relationship, you lost the job, you lost whatever.

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Don't let it break you.

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Even if you feel broken in the moment, allow it to build you.

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How though?

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How?

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That's the question because your identity was athlete and it seems like almost every conversation on this podcast comes down to, okay, this was your identity.

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It didn't work out.

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And then on the other side of it not working out and you having to figure out what that new identity is, is the huge success, is the win, is the exit, is the enormous audience that you've built now on this message.

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But it's really hard to understand the difference between somebody who that same event happened to, who came out of it in a good place on the other side versus that person who, in your case, you were an athlete, you were a track star, your body breaks.

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How many people, I'm sure you can think of a few, where that happened and they never recovered?

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So many people, so many people.

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And in my book, The Last Chapter, I talk about the art of surrender.

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You don't know when you're in it, when you're depressed, when you lost a job, when you go through it.

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You don't know what the next job is going to be.

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You don't know if you're going to heal from the injury.

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Right now, my knee keeps going out on me.

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I don't know if I'm going to heal through this or not.

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But every day I still wake up and I do yoga because I know that healed me before and it can heal me again.

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And then I just have to surrender.

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And you said, what helps you?

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And I tell every single client.

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One day at a time, one breath at a time.

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If you're always reaching towards the finish line, then how are you going to sprint like you need to sprint in that first hundred meters to get you there?

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You're going to get exhausted before you get there if you're thinking about the finish line when you start the race.

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You got to get out of the blocks.

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And I'm using track terms now, but.

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I love the sports analogy, so go for it.

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When I started to learn how to run, I could always run.

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I was naturally, I chased the bus.

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That's how I got good at running track of field.

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I was chasing the bus, right?

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And I just, you know, I was always late, so I was always running.

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And I just got faster and faster.

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But the success on running something, whether it's 100 meter, 200 or 400, is getting out the gate fast.

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Yeah.

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Your head is down.

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You're looking literally just four steps in front of you.

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And you want your stride to be as long and as powerful as you can in those first four steps.

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Because that's going to place you for the rest of the race.

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So when you get injured, when you lose, like, you have to, you're going to be in the darkness, like you are for the first step.

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Some people close their eyes and they just pounded out those first four steps.

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So that's like when you have something tragic happening.

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You're just not going to be light.

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It's going to be dark.

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You're going to be crying.

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You might even be depressed like I was.

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But you gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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And the more that now I teach people to lean into breath and the breath healing, because I realized that that's the one free tool that can help us regulate our nervous system when we aren't sure, we're confused.

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It can keep us regulated enough to get us out the gate, right?

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Because if we don't get out the gate and we're staying at the block, you're never gonna run the race.

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And depression is stuck at the block.

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Depression is or self-judgment, limiting beliefs.

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It keeps you right there.

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You haven't even started the race.

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But in order to get out of the block, you have to breathe.

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You have to know that there is something greater than what moment you're in.

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And not only does that take faith and breath, but it takes putting one foot in front of the other.

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When you're so caught up in the current situation and that's clouding your judgment and your vision and, and it's very hard for you to see the future, which is really what you have to do.

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Breath, I guess, is just forcing you to sit with your thoughts, like with your thoughts and have clarity about where you're going.

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Is that, is that how it works?

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Think of the breath as like a remote control for your nervous system.

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So your nervous system is your best friend.

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A lot of people, we don't listen to our nervous system, right?

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But it's your best friend.

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And it's built.

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Our bodies are so smart.

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Our nervous system is built to keep us safe.

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So when we go through, you know, traumatic things, our nervous system is like, oh, my God, that was traumatic.

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I need to make sure you don't do anything like this.

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Never have a job.

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Never have a relationship.

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Never try to run again because you might get injured.

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You might get hurt.

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So your body's like, OK, I'm going to keep you safe from that because it hurt you.

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So what the breath does as a remote control is like, I'm actually safe.

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It's normal to have injury.

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It's normal to go through breakups.

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It's normal to lose.

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I'm actually, I'm good.

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I'm not okay.

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I'm depressed.

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I'm sad, but I'm going to get through this.

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So the breath helps regulate your nervous system to say, hey, I'm not dead.

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And this is not going to take me out.

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So when you learn to regulate your breath,

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Take those inhales and exhales.

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It calms your system down.

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But when you experience trauma, a breakup, someone yells at you, or maybe you're in a car accident or something, your body constricts and it tenses up.

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Your nervous system is on alert.

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And if you don't regulate it, you will live out your life like that.

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That person's trying to hurt me.

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I'm going to lose this job.

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I'll never be back on the track.

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That is your body's way of protecting you.

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So you, as a sovereign being over your body, have to let your body know, like, what happened was human and I'm okay.

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It's almost like you have to parent yourself like you were a parent of a child.

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Like when they fall down, what's the first thing you say?

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You're okay.

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You're okay.

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You want to assure them that I know that hurt.

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But let's get up and let's see what happened.

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Right.

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But all they feel in the moment is trauma.

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So they're crying.

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They're like, ah, something happened.

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And so when you say you're OK, you're like, oh, they're like, OK, am I OK?

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OK, I'm OK. And then they start and then you start to actually process.

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So that happens to us as adults when things traumatic happen.

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We ask, am I OK?

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And we need to have something to say, yes, you're OK. Keep moving forward.

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So many people have traumatic events happen to them.

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They never process because there's so much going on in our lives.

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There's so much noise, noise, noise, noise, noise.

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And I know that a lot of what you teach is not about religion.

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It's more about some of it.

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But one thing that religion, any religion does, is it forces you at some point in your day to sit alone with your own thoughts and process.

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And a lot of people are more secular than they have been and probably more than ever.

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And there's no point in their day when they just sit and process and sit with their own thoughts.

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Regardless of what you want to pray to and what religion you are, that practice not being part of your life is so incredibly hurtful.

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Yes, I 100% agree.

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And speaking of that, I was raised religious, but now I'm very spiritual because I respect all religion, right?

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Whatever people use to develop a greater connection with collective consciousness or absolute consciousness, whatever you want to call that, God, like whatever name, um,

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I feel like we're all different cultures, all different nationalities.

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Everyone has a different name.

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I don't think that's the most important thing, the name.

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I think what's most important to understand about spirituality is the energy.

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And that energy, we're all energetic beings, so it's in plants, it's in your clothes, it's all of us, we're made of energy.

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So when you connect to that energy, that all-encompassing energy that I personally call God, you might call it something else,

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That's where your power is.

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So the first chapter in this book, there's seven areas of well-being.

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And the first area and the most important area is spiritual well-being.

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That's where you start.

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That's where I start.

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It is the most important.

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Healing your relationship with yourself is healing your relationship with God.

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Because most of us self-abandon.

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We don't listen to our intuition.

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To me, we are spiritual beings first.

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And when we leave these bodies, we go back to that collective consciousness.

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So what if during this time, the goal is, can you tap into that spiritual connection while you're in your body?

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And no matter what happens in your body, no matter what happens in your life, like,

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I'm a spiritual being.

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I'm a cool.

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I'm okay.

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Because that's the I'm okay right there.

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When you connect spiritually, that is connecting you with this collective conscious that is beyond your body, beyond this lifetime.

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And that's why spiritual well-being is first, because it gets you through whatever happens in your human experience.

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It's so funny how that seems to be, especially for people that listen to this podcast.

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Everybody's very ambitious.

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Everybody's getting after the next thing, trying to build, trying to succeed.

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And spirituality, it's the first part of your book of your sort of wellness journey.

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It's probably the last thing that most people think about.

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I agree.

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And what's funny about that is we're 80 percent religious in the world.

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And I think it's even 80% Christian.

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Out of like all the people in the world?

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At least the U.S. And what that tells you and what that tells me is that there's been a lot of religious trauma, right?

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There's been a lot of people using religion to control and manipulate.

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And that hurts your relationship with the divine, whatever you call the divine, the most high.

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And I feel like that's what's happened to people.

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It's not that we don't want to be spiritual anymore.

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Again, the body is keeping score.

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And if the body is saying, you're bad, and you're this, and you're a sinner, and you're all these bad things, if you felt that when you were growing up, I mean, just think if you were a child, and every day your parents told you, like, you're bad, and you need to repent for that, because if you don't, you're gonna, something really bad is gonna help, you're gonna just go to hell and burn up, and you're demonic.

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That is trauma.

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So the reason I feel like so many of us do attest to a religion, but we don't prioritize spirituality is because of religious trauma.

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And it is my intention to help people heal through that and develop a healthier relationship with the divine.

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So if somebody is so caught up in the day-to-day and like they have no free time, they wake up, they work, and I'm kind of quasi describing myself, but they wake up, they work.

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They're trying to figure out how to prioritize their, their wife, their husband, their kids, and it's already tough.

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Where do they start?

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Like, where do they start?

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And, and I want you to, cause a lot of, a lot of the things that you teach,

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are things that founders, ambitious, career-driven people, they should all pay attention to, but they're the least likely people to respond well to that message because it's always like an afterthought.

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It's always later, it's always I'll do.

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And then what happens is I see these people after they've built their company and they've exited and they haven't focused on anything but the money.

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And then, you know, their third ex-wife and the kids hate them and, and their mental health and their physical health, they have no spirituality.

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And then at 55, 60, 65, now they're chasing after it.

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They're trying to get all these things back.

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And I haven't really figured out how to drive home the importance of all these other less tangible, less for them real things, even though they are very real, but they don't feel real or as important when you're stressed out about all the emails and the calls and the do we make payroll next month and I want to get that promotion.

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How do you talk to these people?

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How do you get them to understand the importance of all these intangible, deprioritized in their mind things so they don't wake up when they're 60, 65, 70, and then have that regret?

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That they didn't focus on that stuff their whole life.

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Hindsight is always 20-20, right?

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And so just knowing that the way I speak with entrepreneurs and business owners, it starts with awareness, right?

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And so a lot of them are not aware of just how much they're neglecting themselves.

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They've just been doing it for so long.

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They think, hey, if I eat a healthy lunch, if I get a massage, then I'm doing good.

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That's self-care.

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They don't actually understand how...

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how much self-care they need to be well.

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They don't really understand well-being at all.

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I mean, I've studied it and it can be tough to understand because our...

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I want to say our whole world is set up to keep us on this hamster wheel of work, succeed, scale, and do all this to provide, especially men, you know, and now men and women, because women not only have a baby, you provide too, right?

295
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And so this is what we see on TV.

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So this is what we aspire to.

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So we got to understand we're constantly being marketed to on how we should live.

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And that way of marketing is unsustainable.

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And it's built on consumerism.

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You want to buy more.

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You want to succeed more.

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You can have a bigger house and make your family happier.

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Yeah.

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You're doing all this to have a bigger house and make your family happier, but then you're not spending time with them.

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So they're actually not happy.

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And then, like you said, you're in your third wife.

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Because you didn't understand that spending quality time, which social well-being is in there, is more important, even more important than bringing $1,000.

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Now, she might like that Gucci purse, but I bet if you took her to dinner every Friday and asked her how is she doing,

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she would love you even more.

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She would love you even more.

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And that's what's most important.

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And that's what a lot of successful people don't understand.

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They feel like they're doing the right thing and they have good intentions to do the right thing, provide for themselves, provide for their family, their mother, their father, their everybody.

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They wanna provide, they have a really good heart, but without the right awareness of like how wellbeing actually works, they unfortunately sacrifice their wellbeing, building wealth,

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And then once they get the wealth, they got to use that to then build their well-being.

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Oh, so silly.

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I know.

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But it's mostly because of lack of awareness.

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So my job, that's why I'm here, my job is help people realize how you can have both and how you do actually have to prioritize your well-being.

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Because guess what?

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When you are well-being.

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Your partner is well, your children are well, your people in your job is well, because you've understood yourself more.

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So if you can figure out how to sleep, how having more sleep will make you more productive, then guess what?

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You'll set that up for your workers and coworkers and make sure like, hey, I need y'all to get we're not going we're not staying out to 2 a.m., 4 a.m.,

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We'll stay up till midnight and go stay up till 11.

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But then you want to at least get six, eight hours of sleep.

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Come back, be fresh, right?

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You won't jet set as much without getting enough sleep because you know eventually that takes your HRV down.

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You don't get enough sleep.

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You're going to be cranky.

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And that actually hurts your productivity more.

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So I really talk to corporations and bigs about productivity and how the goal is to increase your capacity.

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And to increase your capacity to deal with chaos, to deal with workload, to deal with family, you have to increase your well-being.

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And to do that, you have to be intentional about how you set up your day.

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And so then once they are aware of that, then I help them structure the day so they're getting enough sleep, they're getting the right food,

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They're doing conflict resolution with people at work and at home, and then they feel a lot better.

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But without that awareness, they won't have it on their own because it's just outside of the language that they're used to.

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Life at the Speed of Play is a success story partner.

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Now, this is a book by Mark Pincus, the guy who founded Zynga.

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I've actually had him on the show.

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I met him in person and Reid Hoffman wrote the foreword, calling him one of the best idea people in Silicon Valley.

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The book is Life at the Speed of Play, Launch Products People Love.

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About 170 pages.

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It's already a national bestseller.

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It's his framework for figuring out whether an idea is actually worth going after before you put serious time and money into it.

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not theory, the way he actually does it, and he's repeatedly built successful businesses.

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On top of that, you can read it in a weekend.

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It can change your entire life and give you the right direction if you're an entrepreneur.

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So right now, if you go to getmarksbook.com slash success, you get two copies for $32, that's $16 each.

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Mark is paying for the second copy himself because he wants you to give it to somebody, a friend who's been sitting on an idea, someone who needs to push, whoever.

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That's getmarksbook.com slash success.

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Mark with a K, buy one, second one's free.

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My fitness pal is a success story partner.

354
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Now a quick story, a few weeks ago, I was in the middle of a very heavy recording week.

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So five episodes back to back.

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By Wednesday, I could feel it.

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I felt tired and I pulled up my food log in the My Fitness Pal app and I could see why I felt tired.

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I was heavily under eating.

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I was not keeping up with my meals.

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My macros were all off.

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On weeks like that, staying on top of your fuel and your food and what you eat is the difference between being sharp on episode five and being flat.

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And that's the kind of thing you only catch when you're paying attention.

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And that's why I keep logging every single meal I eat in the MyFitnessPal app.

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It's not because I'm obsessing over numbers.

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It's not because I'm trying to diet.

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It's because I'm trying to have an awareness about what I eat in the day.

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And the app makes it so easy to maintain that awareness.

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I can point my camera at a plate with meal scan.

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It'll tell me exactly what I'm eating, all my macronutrients, proteins, fats, carbs.

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There's an intermittent fasting tracker.

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If I want an intermittent fast, it keeps my eating window honest.

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And it all syncs with my watch and all of my fitness apps.

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And it just runs in the background.

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See, food is a foundation for energy, sleep, recovery, performance.

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It is the one input that you cannot skip.

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So do yourself a favor, track what you're eating.

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It'll make you feel better, perform better in everything that you do.

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Go to podcasts.myfitnesspal.com and use code SCOTT, all uppercase for 50% off MyFitnessPal premium.

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That's podcasts.myfitnesspal.com, code SCOTT.

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How did you disrupt it?

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your own worldview and then actually incorporate these things because it's one thing to learn it.

382
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And I always talk about this on the podcast.

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Like we are in this, we are in this place in, in, in podcast content and, and just in the world where especially people who listen to this, they'll consume and they'll read another book and listen to the YouTube video and they just won't do anything.

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They won't actually change their life.

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And I always say if, you know, it's not to my benefit, but if you just write one thing down and never listen to another podcast that I do ever again, and you go do that thing and it improves your life, like that to me is, you know, for me a job well done.

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That's all I care about.

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I'd rather you not listen to this show ever again and just take this one idea and then actually do it.

388
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But nobody does anything.

389
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They listen and then they go back to the status quo.

390
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They forget about it.

391
00:25:56.304 --> 00:25:57.685
So I'm asking as somebody who,

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that changed her life and was that burnt out executive entrepreneur, how did you actually do it?

393
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Number one, you have to realize that implementation is more important than information.

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implementation is more important than information.

395
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So you can, as you said, get all this information, but if you don't implement it, it's just information in your head.

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So the way I did it is first awareness.

397
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So being aware that, let's just talk about recently, because I've been doing this for years.

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This is my second book.

399
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And I,

400
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And my mom transitioned and she was my best friend and we were very close.

401
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So even though I knew all those rituals in the book, it didn't stop me from being dysregulated.

402
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It didn't stop me from being angry.

403
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It didn't stop me from wanting her to be here.

404
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So here I am writing this book.

405
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Here I am, just got married.

406
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I got married in November.

407
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My mom transitioned in February.

408
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self-guilt of not like being there of not knowing it was all of a sudden it was unexpected and the way I went from like wow this bliss is something I was looking forward to all my life you know being married and then this traumatic grief all of a sudden and

409
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It sent me on the biggest spiral down that I've ever experienced in my life.

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And here I was with all the tools.

411
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sitting in depression again and wanting to burn it all down because I felt so angry.

412
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And what happens when you experience trauma, loss, again, it could be loss of a person, a breakup, a job, is when something rocks your world, is you're dysregulated.

413
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You're not your highest self.

414
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You're not thinking with your executive mind.

415
00:27:53.295 --> 00:27:59.178
So when we talk about neuroemotional coaching, there are three states that,

416
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There's survival state, emotional state, and executive state.

417
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If you're in survival state, and that could be loss of a job, loss of a person, heartbreak, whatever, and that's where depression is, you're just trying to survive.

418
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You can't make executive decisions.

419
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Right.

420
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So I'm not a big executive decision for myself, for my marriage, for anyone, because I'm in survival state because this bucket of grief that I wasn't expecting just hit me over.

421
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So until I process that, it's affecting me.

422
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It's affecting my marriage.

423
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It's affecting my family.

424
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It's affecting everyone.

425
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And so I think awareness of when you're not OK, even if you're a good person, even if you know everything, we got to be honest.

426
00:28:42.796 --> 00:28:44.538
with ourselves when we're not okay.

427
00:28:44.818 --> 00:28:47.861
We gotta be honest with our friends and our partners when we're not okay.

428
00:28:48.161 --> 00:28:51.684
So I had to tell my husband like, I'm not okay, of course you do.

429
00:28:51.784 --> 00:28:59.091
But like acknowledging yourself that I'm not okay and getting the support that I needed to process my anger and my rage and my pain.

430
00:28:59.791 --> 00:29:06.597
And I went back to breath work, which is now why I teach breath healing because that is the one free tool.

431
00:29:06.717 --> 00:29:09.460
I have over 50 rituals in that book, but the breath is...

432
00:29:09.920 --> 00:29:12.364
And I don't talk about the regular inhale, exhale.

433
00:29:12.504 --> 00:29:25.241
I did the conscious connected breath, deep breathing for an hour, two hours a day to really remove the anger, the constriction that I had in my body from this event.

434
00:29:25.261 --> 00:29:25.882
And.

435
00:29:26.022 --> 00:29:40.954
And so what people have to do, one is be aware when they're not okay, and then start with the breath, which is a free tool to regulate their nervous system until they can get back into first emotional state so they can actually talk about their emotions and process in them.

436
00:29:41.374 --> 00:29:44.717
And then they can get to executive stage so they can actually make good decisions.

437
00:29:44.737 --> 00:29:49.541
But when you make bad decisions, you leave that marriage, you leave that job, you don't

438
00:29:49.981 --> 00:29:51.743
Do something you didn't expect to with your kids.

439
00:29:51.763 --> 00:29:52.684
You're not there for them.

440
00:29:53.024 --> 00:29:54.826
That takes a lot longer to repair.

441
00:29:55.406 --> 00:29:59.570
And what happens is a lot of us, this experience in trauma is human.

442
00:29:59.590 --> 00:30:01.191
We're all going to lose someone at some times.

443
00:30:01.211 --> 00:30:02.072
We're all going to lose a job.

444
00:30:02.092 --> 00:30:03.413
We're all going to go through breakups.

445
00:30:03.934 --> 00:30:08.818
But if we making decisions in survival say that's what rocks people's world.

446
00:30:09.579 --> 00:30:14.680
And so when I work with people, if they're in, I meet people in their darkest hour and I'm like, come on, let's go.

447
00:30:14.980 --> 00:30:15.881
Let's start with the breath.

448
00:30:16.221 --> 00:30:17.101
Let's start breathing.

449
00:30:17.541 --> 00:30:17.861
Cool.

450
00:30:18.181 --> 00:30:19.642
Now let's talk about your emotions.

451
00:30:19.982 --> 00:30:20.182
Cool.

452
00:30:20.362 --> 00:30:26.844
And they're able to process them and then they can get back to their highest self, their spiritual self, the person that knows what to do and why they're here.

453
00:30:26.884 --> 00:30:27.624
And confident.

454
00:30:28.184 --> 00:30:29.465
confidence.

455
00:30:29.545 --> 00:30:30.685
That is your highest self.

456
00:30:30.705 --> 00:30:32.626
That is, to me, your spiritual self.

457
00:30:33.146 --> 00:30:35.767
And so the humanness, though, is real too.

458
00:30:36.087 --> 00:30:37.548
And it experiences trauma.

459
00:30:37.628 --> 00:30:38.809
It experiences loss.

460
00:30:38.949 --> 00:30:41.650
It experiences separation from people.

461
00:30:42.030 --> 00:30:45.972
And you have to process that in order to get back to your executive state.

462
00:30:46.312 --> 00:30:51.294
And so that's what I help people do, whether it's a parent or an executive, same thing.

463
00:30:51.354 --> 00:30:53.155
We all have the same nervous system.

464
00:30:53.455 --> 00:31:00.439
that is going to go haywire if we experience things that are not in alignment with, this is not what I thought was going to happen.

465
00:31:00.879 --> 00:31:01.980
I did this huge event.

466
00:31:02.040 --> 00:31:03.040
I thought it was going to be this.

467
00:31:03.060 --> 00:31:04.761
How did I get $100,000 in a hole?

468
00:31:05.342 --> 00:31:09.944
I went for one night of just fun gambling and all of a sudden I just lost a million dollars.

469
00:31:09.964 --> 00:31:12.766
You know, you don't prepare for those things.

470
00:31:12.826 --> 00:31:19.690
And so you have to have something in place that can get you back into your fullest expression when you're knocked down.

471
00:31:20.101 --> 00:31:29.846
I'm just thinking about all the times when I should communicate what's on my mind, have the hard conversation, and you just feel like you just don't have the willpower to do it.

472
00:31:30.747 --> 00:31:36.690
But then other times, I'm just sort of verbalizing like we drift through these states sort of unconsciously.

473
00:31:37.310 --> 00:31:49.977
So one day, and with your story, speaking about how you're going through this and you want to communicate to your husband, you should feel obviously comfortable and confident communicating to your husband how you're doing and you'd be fully understanding that.

474
00:31:50.137 --> 00:32:05.113
But if you're in that survival state, maybe you diminish, you shrink yourself and you don't feel comfortable saying things that would be, you feel like they may be received in an awkward way or they may not be communicated in the way that you want to communicate them.

475
00:32:06.053 --> 00:32:07.115
I hope I'm saying this right.

476
00:32:07.135 --> 00:32:11.319
You just, when you're in a survival state, you just don't have the confidence to represent yourself the way you should.

477
00:32:11.880 --> 00:32:15.786
Some people don't have the confidence and some people think they're fine.

478
00:32:16.366 --> 00:32:19.111
Like me, I normalize microaggressions.

479
00:32:19.271 --> 00:32:20.413
I normalize trauma.

480
00:32:20.533 --> 00:32:23.497
But you're very healthy and you do this for a living.

481
00:32:23.718 --> 00:32:27.003
I do this for a living, but I still was normalizing things that I shouldn't.

482
00:32:27.363 --> 00:32:27.663
Right.

483
00:32:27.923 --> 00:32:32.906
I'm literally like someone could say something very disrespectful and it affects me.

484
00:32:32.946 --> 00:32:34.927
My body's keeping it for a negatively affects me.

485
00:32:34.947 --> 00:32:35.848
I'm like, oh, it's fine.

486
00:32:35.888 --> 00:32:39.570
I'm OK. That is me normalizing disrespect.

487
00:32:40.050 --> 00:32:40.290
Right.

488
00:32:40.550 --> 00:32:45.133
And I did it for so long just to survive that it became common.

489
00:32:45.153 --> 00:32:47.674
So but my body is like this was disrespectful.

490
00:32:48.034 --> 00:32:48.755
That was hurtful.

491
00:32:48.815 --> 00:32:50.075
And you didn't say anything about it.

492
00:32:50.095 --> 00:32:50.776
You didn't process.

493
00:32:50.996 --> 00:32:54.878
So what happens is like sometimes we don't have the confidence, but sometimes we're.

494
00:32:55.018 --> 00:33:01.820
we're not aware how much we normalize trauma and we normalize what our body is picking up as a threat.

495
00:33:02.500 --> 00:33:09.783
Like when we argue with our partner, which we all do, I do too, our body is picking up as a threat.

496
00:33:09.823 --> 00:33:16.265
This person loves you, you spend the rest of your life and literally your body is picking up threat from this person I love, threat, threat, threat.

497
00:33:16.485 --> 00:33:19.226
And that's why it's so important to learn how to communicate.

498
00:33:19.826 --> 00:33:22.807
And something that we've been working on in our marriage is just like,

499
00:33:23.758 --> 00:33:24.278
Don't wait.

500
00:33:24.879 --> 00:33:32.024
As soon as you feel like we have like once a week, like on Sundays where we get together and we talk about like, how was your week?

501
00:33:32.204 --> 00:33:33.305
And we share how our week was.

502
00:33:33.325 --> 00:33:35.746
Was there anything that was challenging?

503
00:33:35.766 --> 00:33:37.047
And we share our challenges.

504
00:33:37.087 --> 00:33:39.589
We share our wins every single week.

505
00:33:39.869 --> 00:33:42.490
And it helps us process because if you do it every day, it can be a lot.

506
00:33:42.610 --> 00:33:44.511
It can be feel like nagging and too much.

507
00:33:44.791 --> 00:33:49.492
But if once a week you just check in, then that gives you and your partner trauma to process.

508
00:33:49.532 --> 00:33:52.653
And so I think it's really about being aware.

509
00:33:52.733 --> 00:33:58.535
And for some of us really beautiful souls and good souls, we have normalized being okay.

510
00:33:58.816 --> 00:34:00.416
You've heard of high functioning depression.

511
00:34:00.596 --> 00:34:03.097
That means we can still go because we've normalized.

512
00:34:03.477 --> 00:34:05.298
I don't have time to process things.

513
00:34:05.898 --> 00:34:11.764
The fact that I just lost someone I love because I got to still work because I still got to feed everybody.

514
00:34:12.184 --> 00:34:12.985
I still got to take care.

515
00:34:13.265 --> 00:34:18.230
So we're used to moving along and not processing our trauma and our grief.

516
00:34:18.451 --> 00:34:19.872
That's what I was trying to figure out.

517
00:34:20.012 --> 00:34:26.579
Like, is there something that somebody can pinpoint in how they conduct themselves or how they act?

518
00:34:26.959 --> 00:34:28.221
Is it lack of...

519
00:34:28.241 --> 00:34:29.081
So, for example...

520
00:34:29.942 --> 00:34:32.724
is lack of confidence in communicating with somebody.

521
00:34:33.484 --> 00:34:35.746
Is that a signal that you're in a survival state?

522
00:34:36.226 --> 00:34:42.410
Maybe six months ago, you felt like having that hard conversation was easy and you leaned into it.

523
00:34:42.450 --> 00:34:47.393
And now you're thinking about that hard conversation with your spouse or with a coworker.

524
00:34:48.293 --> 00:34:52.635
And the thought is just overwhelmingly scary to have that.

525
00:34:53.195 --> 00:35:07.640
Does that mean that you've, without even knowing it, slipped into a survival state and there's a lot of healing and nervous system regulation that you have to go through and you don't understand why you feel so different about that same hard conversation today than you did six months ago?

526
00:35:07.940 --> 00:35:08.600
Exactly.

527
00:35:08.780 --> 00:35:17.364
When you don't have the confidence to speak your truth, it will keep you in survival state because you have to be able to communicate how you feel.

528
00:35:17.804 --> 00:35:18.764
But this is how I help.

529
00:35:18.825 --> 00:35:19.485
It's a flywheel.

530
00:35:19.505 --> 00:35:20.005
That's what I mean.

531
00:35:20.025 --> 00:35:22.526
So like maybe flywheel isn't the right word.

532
00:35:22.546 --> 00:35:24.027
It's like a hamster wheel.

533
00:35:24.127 --> 00:35:25.027
It's like a trap.

534
00:35:25.067 --> 00:35:35.551
Like so you don't have the confidence because you are in survival state and you can't get out of survival state because you don't have the confidence to communicate to get you out of that shitty situation that you're in.

535
00:35:35.871 --> 00:35:37.032
So then you're just stuck.

536
00:35:37.192 --> 00:35:48.955
So what I talk about in the emotional well-being chapter, if you don't feel like you can communicate, which is totally normal, I don't always feel like I communicate because it's like you don't want to hurt someone or you don't want to say it wrong or you're thinking like, ah, I'm so much in my feelings.

537
00:35:48.975 --> 00:35:51.236
This is definitely going to rub them the wrong way.

538
00:35:52.016 --> 00:35:55.657
Transformational letter writing is one of the rituals that I talk about in my book.

539
00:35:55.717 --> 00:35:58.158
It's one of my favorite emotional well-being rituals.

540
00:35:58.278 --> 00:36:03.920
You still got to get these feelings out of your body or else your body is in high alert saying,

541
00:36:04.500 --> 00:36:06.101
I'm pissed and I'm not okay, right?

542
00:36:06.622 --> 00:36:09.624
So what you do with transformation, you're honest.

543
00:36:10.004 --> 00:36:11.566
You would not say this to the person.

544
00:36:11.666 --> 00:36:14.248
You would not say this to your partner, but you're honest.

545
00:36:14.628 --> 00:36:15.529
I feel disrespected.

546
00:36:15.569 --> 00:36:16.689
I feel like you don't understand me.

547
00:36:16.710 --> 00:36:17.610
You don't listen to me.

548
00:36:17.630 --> 00:36:18.611
You don't support me enough.

549
00:36:18.631 --> 00:36:19.452
We don't go out enough.

550
00:36:19.812 --> 00:36:20.713
You know, your job.

551
00:36:20.793 --> 00:36:28.038
I feel like my job doesn't, you just write down everything you feel because your emotions matter and you want to write it all out.

552
00:36:28.058 --> 00:36:32.361
But if you dump that on a person, they're going to be defensive and they're going to come back and they're going to battle you.

553
00:36:33.182 --> 00:36:35.103
But you need to get that out of your system.

554
00:36:35.564 --> 00:36:37.105
So I highly recommend journaling.

555
00:36:37.145 --> 00:36:39.606
If you hate journaling, voice note it.

556
00:36:40.007 --> 00:36:40.867
Get it out of your system.

557
00:36:40.887 --> 00:36:41.508
And then delete it.

558
00:36:41.748 --> 00:36:42.428
Do not send it.

559
00:36:42.708 --> 00:36:43.409
Don't send the letter.

560
00:36:43.429 --> 00:36:44.770
Don't send the voice note.

561
00:36:45.030 --> 00:36:47.872
But get it out of your system because what happens is that if it's...

562
00:36:48.612 --> 00:36:53.014
inside of you is causing harm inside of you and it's causing dis-ease in the body.

563
00:36:53.715 --> 00:36:58.997
Most cancers are caused by separation of self and deep-seated resentment.

564
00:36:59.357 --> 00:37:00.198
And what is cancer?

565
00:37:00.278 --> 00:37:01.578
Separation of cells.

566
00:37:01.838 --> 00:37:10.903
So when we separate from ourself, we separate from people, we are causing this separation, this chemical process to start happening in our body.

567
00:37:11.323 --> 00:37:15.445
But when we start expressing ourselves, we're releasing cancer.

568
00:37:15.565 --> 00:37:20.368
that energy that could be stored because our body's just trying to keep us safe.

569
00:37:20.628 --> 00:37:23.350
So I recommend writing it, journal it, saying it.

570
00:37:23.690 --> 00:37:27.852
And then when you get to executive state, communicating it, but not communicating it.

571
00:37:28.193 --> 00:37:31.855
If you feel nervous about communicating, there's a reason you feel nervous about it.

572
00:37:32.035 --> 00:37:40.200
So my suggestion would be process that first with a therapist, with a friend or with yourself, but listen to your body.

573
00:37:40.540 --> 00:37:43.462
There is a reason your body is saying, if I say this,

574
00:37:45.343 --> 00:37:46.144
You're probably right.

575
00:37:47.405 --> 00:37:52.809
There's a chapter in your book, and I want you to speak about it only as much as you're comfortable with speaking about it.

576
00:37:53.610 --> 00:37:54.751
It's chapter three.

577
00:37:54.811 --> 00:38:00.496
It's about you being a creator, not a victim in your own life.

578
00:38:01.757 --> 00:38:06.921
And if people want to explore a little bit more about what I'm alluding to, they can obviously get the book and read about it.

579
00:38:06.941 --> 00:38:08.743
But you almost cut this chapter out.

580
00:38:09.283 --> 00:38:12.626
It's a very emotional chapter and a very difficult chapter.

581
00:38:16.774 --> 00:38:19.416
Explain the idea first before anything else.

582
00:38:20.157 --> 00:38:21.238
So you are not a victim.

583
00:38:21.258 --> 00:38:22.279
You are a creator.

584
00:38:22.819 --> 00:38:23.560
What does that mean?

585
00:38:24.460 --> 00:38:37.431
And how does that idea and how did that idea help you get through different periods of your life, including the one in this chapter?

586
00:38:38.599 --> 00:38:44.043
I love this question because when you are harmed, the first time you're harmed, you are a victim.

587
00:38:44.943 --> 00:38:46.985
However you are harmed, whatever happened to you.

588
00:38:49.026 --> 00:38:53.329
After that, it can build you or it can break you.

589
00:38:55.310 --> 00:39:06.317
And if when it breaks people, they keep replaying the harm over and over and it keeps looping in their head and they keep experiencing it.

590
00:39:07.146 --> 00:39:09.127
over and over and over and over again.

591
00:39:09.187 --> 00:39:10.067
It's like a loop.

592
00:39:10.127 --> 00:39:11.347
It's like being on a hamster wheel.

593
00:39:12.427 --> 00:39:16.569
When you say, man, that sucked.

594
00:39:16.909 --> 00:39:18.189
I can't believe that happened.

595
00:39:18.269 --> 00:39:19.729
This is how it made me feel.

596
00:39:19.749 --> 00:39:25.011
And you're just honest about how it impacted you and your humanness.

597
00:39:26.624 --> 00:39:30.792
And then you say, you know, based on that, this is how I'm going to move forward.

598
00:39:31.713 --> 00:39:34.318
I am going to talk about it.

599
00:39:34.618 --> 00:39:36.101
I'm going to be mindful about it.

600
00:39:36.642 --> 00:39:38.145
See, you're doing something about it.

601
00:39:38.165 --> 00:39:39.507
So you become a creator.

602
00:39:40.360 --> 00:39:47.565
And you start creating a world in which you're raising awareness about what happens to you, whether it's loss of a relationship, loss of a loved one.

603
00:39:47.585 --> 00:39:54.130
Like, you know, me losing, it helped me gain a closer relationship with my father and my sister.

604
00:39:54.511 --> 00:39:57.093
My mom's love, I embody it now.

605
00:39:57.493 --> 00:39:59.554
Like, she's living through me.

606
00:39:59.675 --> 00:40:01.176
I carry her legacy with me.

607
00:40:01.216 --> 00:40:02.617
I wear her ring on my neck.

608
00:40:02.637 --> 00:40:02.737
Yeah.

609
00:40:03.357 --> 00:40:12.941
And I could be a victim of how she was treated in the hospital that made me so angry, how she was treated by family members in her past that made me so angry.

610
00:40:13.881 --> 00:40:22.684
Or I can let the legacy that she left me in her DNA and with her lived experience fuel my very existence.

611
00:40:23.184 --> 00:40:24.405
And that is honoring her.

612
00:40:24.725 --> 00:40:29.527
So instead of being a victim, which I have plenty of things I could still to this day be upset about.

613
00:40:30.107 --> 00:40:35.610
I am a creator because I'm using her life and her legacy to create more love and abundance in the world.

614
00:40:35.630 --> 00:40:36.711
So it's just a choice.

615
00:40:37.631 --> 00:40:41.954
One causes separation and one causes unity.

616
00:40:42.434 --> 00:40:54.301
And I invite people to choose, choose love, choose unity, choose to be a creator after no matter what happens to you, it can build you.

617
00:40:54.601 --> 00:40:56.262
So let it build you instead of break you.

618
00:40:57.125 --> 00:41:02.247
How do you first approach when something stressful, traumatic, negative happens in your life?

619
00:41:02.767 --> 00:41:12.210
That's, you know, even the thought of, of like dealing with it as opposed to just repressing it.

620
00:41:12.330 --> 00:41:15.111
And that alone can be difficult for people.

621
00:41:15.131 --> 00:41:25.394
So I think that I want to help people who are listening understand the first step they have to take, which is probably the most difficult step when you're trying to deal with something difficult that you've had to overcome.

622
00:41:26.329 --> 00:41:27.613
First step is just breathe.

623
00:41:28.796 --> 00:41:29.879
Second step is cry.

624
00:41:31.063 --> 00:41:34.553
Third step is throw an adult temper tantrum.

625
00:41:34.837 --> 00:41:35.037
Right.

626
00:41:35.257 --> 00:41:36.518
We knew what to do as children.

627
00:41:36.538 --> 00:41:37.258
We didn't get food.

628
00:41:38.078 --> 00:41:38.999
We didn't get what we want.

629
00:41:39.039 --> 00:41:39.539
We scream.

630
00:41:39.559 --> 00:41:40.019
We yell.

631
00:41:40.039 --> 00:41:40.839
We cry.

632
00:41:40.859 --> 00:41:49.122
Like we were so brilliant as children because we knew how to just let frustration out of our body for whatever we were frustrated from.

633
00:41:49.142 --> 00:41:50.683
But adults, we have to be polished.

634
00:41:50.943 --> 00:41:51.743
We can't get upset.

635
00:41:51.783 --> 00:41:52.504
We can't get mad.

636
00:41:52.964 --> 00:41:57.605
And I'm not saying go off on people or just throw, you know, fall out in front of your partner.

637
00:41:57.846 --> 00:41:58.726
They make you upset.

638
00:41:59.086 --> 00:42:03.568
But I do think it's important to have time to breathe, like take them in the moment.

639
00:42:03.608 --> 00:42:03.788
Just.

640
00:42:04.388 --> 00:42:05.469
take a deep breath, right?

641
00:42:05.509 --> 00:42:12.554
If you're at work, if you're in traffic, if you're in the moment, breathe and create a healthy boundary between whatever you experience.

642
00:42:12.594 --> 00:42:15.816
And then from then, when you meet to release, we're so scared, afraid to cry.

643
00:42:15.836 --> 00:42:18.438
I remember going two years, not shedding a tear.

644
00:42:18.578 --> 00:42:19.499
Like cry for what?

645
00:42:19.639 --> 00:42:20.480
I got things to do.

646
00:42:20.820 --> 00:42:23.302
No, I cried every day for three months.

647
00:42:23.362 --> 00:42:26.064
This was like, I want to say six years from now.

648
00:42:26.846 --> 00:42:27.667
But I've learned how to cry.

649
00:42:27.727 --> 00:42:33.350
So yes, when mom transitioned, I cried every day, morning and evening for the three months.

650
00:42:33.470 --> 00:42:35.811
And I didn't know I had that many tears in my body.

651
00:42:36.292 --> 00:42:38.573
So I think crying is very healthy.

652
00:42:38.653 --> 00:42:41.615
And it's a way I say tears are pain leaving the body.

653
00:42:42.175 --> 00:42:43.296
So allow yourself to cry.

654
00:42:43.316 --> 00:42:44.156
It's okay to cry.

655
00:42:44.476 --> 00:42:45.317
It's very cleansing.

656
00:42:45.337 --> 00:42:46.297
It's very purifying.

657
00:42:46.677 --> 00:42:47.898
So breathe, cry.

658
00:42:48.338 --> 00:42:49.419
And let's talk about this adult.

659
00:42:49.639 --> 00:42:51.320
They have rage rooms, right?

660
00:42:51.560 --> 00:43:04.446
So if you get mad, instead of going out, go to the rage room, get your pillow, punch your pillow, you know, go out in the woods, go hiking, just go in the middle of nature and just, just yell and then hug a tree.

661
00:43:04.706 --> 00:43:09.509
You know, there's so many things we can do to process so that energy is not sitting in our body.

662
00:43:09.809 --> 00:43:11.470
So I would say those three things,

663
00:43:12.574 --> 00:43:20.478
Breathe, cry, go out in nature and just yell, scream or throw an adult temper tantrum.

664
00:43:20.598 --> 00:43:21.118
I like that.

665
00:43:21.138 --> 00:43:24.640
Why are we so afraid to feel our emotions?

666
00:43:25.280 --> 00:43:30.963
You know, I think we're afraid of judgment, like how someone is going to judge or maybe even how we're going to judge ourselves.

667
00:43:31.727 --> 00:43:42.772
You know, I think we have a negative relationship with full expression, whether it be dancing or singing if we can't sing or just being our full self.

668
00:43:42.832 --> 00:43:45.013
Most people are not fully expressed.

669
00:43:45.093 --> 00:43:47.074
And it's something that I talk about in my work a lot.

670
00:43:47.574 --> 00:43:50.095
So where someone can sing or not, I invite them to sing.

671
00:43:50.115 --> 00:43:52.816
Where someone can dance or not, I invite them to dance.

672
00:43:52.856 --> 00:43:57.838
Because if you look at nature in animals, everything is expressing itself in a beautiful way.

673
00:43:57.858 --> 00:43:59.359
And I believe we're here to express.

674
00:44:00.059 --> 00:44:05.162
So we have been trained to walk a certain way, dress a certain way, look a certain way.

675
00:44:05.342 --> 00:44:06.402
That's not natural.

676
00:44:06.782 --> 00:44:08.723
We are primal beings.

677
00:44:09.023 --> 00:44:10.264
Like, look at our ancestors.

678
00:44:10.284 --> 00:44:12.545
They dance, they sing, they ate good food.

679
00:44:12.565 --> 00:44:15.106
They were like, I gotta be this big.

680
00:44:15.146 --> 00:44:21.990
You know, they, they actually back in the day, the thicker you are, the good, the good, you were, you were being treated good.

681
00:44:22.010 --> 00:44:23.350
The more wealthy, you were healthy.

682
00:44:24.491 --> 00:44:28.634
And so, I mean, I think whatever size people want to be, that's their business.

683
00:44:28.994 --> 00:44:34.558
But I do believe love yourself wherever you are on that spectrum.

684
00:44:34.578 --> 00:44:36.479
Like, do you love yourself big or small?

685
00:44:36.519 --> 00:44:37.520
Do you love yourself?

686
00:44:37.980 --> 00:44:40.542
Do you love yourself no matter how much money you have in the bank?

687
00:44:40.762 --> 00:44:45.525
Do you love yourself in all the different stages of your human experience?

688
00:44:45.585 --> 00:44:49.527
That's what's most important is just to develop a sense of self-love and respect.

689
00:44:49.567 --> 00:44:53.070
And most of us really don't know how to love ourselves properly.

690
00:44:53.530 --> 00:44:55.130
We're not taught how to love ourselves.

691
00:44:55.430 --> 00:44:59.291
We're taught, achieve, do this, look this way.

692
00:44:59.311 --> 00:45:00.072
You got to be pretty.

693
00:45:00.092 --> 00:45:01.432
You got to be, women got to be pretty.

694
00:45:01.452 --> 00:45:02.472
Men have to be successful.

695
00:45:02.492 --> 00:45:04.353
Now men and women have to be pretty and successful.

696
00:45:05.093 --> 00:45:07.573
And if you're not, then you're losing, right?

697
00:45:07.833 --> 00:45:10.654
Versus be yourself, express yourself.

698
00:45:10.694 --> 00:45:11.574
How do you feel today?

699
00:45:11.614 --> 00:45:12.514
What do you want to do today?

700
00:45:12.615 --> 00:45:18.376
Really, that's what the soul is here to do, is just express, just like nature, just like animals.

701
00:45:18.416 --> 00:45:20.896
They're just here expressing themselves fully.

702
00:45:21.277 --> 00:45:22.877
And that's what creates beauty in the world.

703
00:45:23.277 --> 00:45:24.958
HubSpot is a success story partner.

704
00:45:25.098 --> 00:45:29.941
Now, every entrepreneur, founder, CEOs listening right now needs to pay attention.

705
00:45:30.301 --> 00:45:31.042
I have a question for you.

706
00:45:31.342 --> 00:45:38.967
When a buyer asks AI for a solution or a product that your business sells, does your business come up?

707
00:45:39.267 --> 00:45:42.109
The answer is that most companies have no idea.

708
00:45:42.410 --> 00:45:49.255
They don't know if their name shows up in any of the AI tools, chat, perplexity, Claude.

709
00:45:49.656 --> 00:45:56.241
And by the time they find out, they have lost tons of traffic and tons of deals to someone who did show up.

710
00:45:56.601 --> 00:45:58.143
HubSpot AEO.

711
00:45:58.623 --> 00:46:05.949
It helps you show up in those moments with the right answers that your customers and your buyers are looking for when they go type in a question.

712
00:46:06.129 --> 00:46:07.330
It's before the first click.

713
00:46:07.370 --> 00:46:10.152
It's before they fill out some form on your website.

714
00:46:10.652 --> 00:46:14.435
That is the moment that HubSpot AEO is built for.

715
00:46:14.816 --> 00:46:20.500
So if you want your company to show up in AI searches when your customer is looking, check out HubSpot.com.

716
00:46:20.860 --> 00:46:24.543
They are the agentic customer platform for growing businesses.

717
00:46:24.843 --> 00:46:26.244
NetSuite is a success story partner.

718
00:46:26.445 --> 00:46:27.966
Now, you probably know NetSuite already.

719
00:46:27.986 --> 00:46:31.710
It's a software that a ton of companies use to basically manage everything.

720
00:46:31.750 --> 00:46:34.192
Their finances, their inventory, their HR.

721
00:46:34.232 --> 00:46:35.433
It's just all in one place.

722
00:46:35.653 --> 00:46:37.655
Now, they just came out with NetSuite Next.

723
00:46:37.855 --> 00:46:40.558
This is the AI version of all of that.

724
00:46:40.578 --> 00:46:45.182
So now you can ask it a question the way you'd ask someone on your team who just knows everything about your business.

725
00:46:45.523 --> 00:46:46.443
It gives you the answer.

726
00:46:46.704 --> 00:46:47.985
It keeps you up to date on

727
00:46:48.285 --> 00:46:52.408
all the things you need to know about your company and your business without you having to go digging for them.

728
00:46:52.648 --> 00:46:58.272
And it has these AI agents that take care of all the routine work in your business that eats up everybody's day.

729
00:46:58.533 --> 00:47:03.356
Now, the bigger picture here is that AI is starting to change how teams actually work together.

730
00:47:03.656 --> 00:47:07.439
It's happening incredibly fast and most companies don't have a plan for it.

731
00:47:07.679 --> 00:47:08.340
NetSuite does.

732
00:47:08.640 --> 00:47:14.124
They have a free guide called Aligning for the Agentic Era, how AI is changing everyday work.

733
00:47:14.264 --> 00:47:19.268
It breaks down how AI could reshape the way your whole organization works and what your business should be doing to get ahead of it.

734
00:47:19.468 --> 00:47:22.190
If I needed a tool like NetSuite, it's what I'd use and you should too.

735
00:47:22.471 --> 00:47:31.418
So if your revenues are at least in the seven figures, get our free business guide, Aligning for the Agentic Era, How AI is Changing Everyday Work at netsuite.com slash scottclary.

736
00:47:31.698 --> 00:47:35.421
The guide is free to you at netsuite.com slash scottclary.

737
00:47:35.681 --> 00:47:38.083
That's netsuite.com slash scottclary.

738
00:47:38.183 --> 00:47:39.484
Monarch is a success story partner.

739
00:47:39.564 --> 00:47:40.284
Now, quick question.

740
00:47:40.424 --> 00:47:42.405
Do you know where your money went last month?

741
00:47:42.485 --> 00:47:44.226
Not roughly, but exactly.

742
00:47:44.346 --> 00:47:45.047
And most people don't.

743
00:47:45.267 --> 00:47:46.207
And I didn't for years.

744
00:47:46.247 --> 00:47:48.369
And that is most of our money stories, right?

745
00:47:48.449 --> 00:47:52.191
When we first start our career, we have one income and one account, and you can kind of wing it.

746
00:47:52.431 --> 00:48:00.315
But once you're running businesses, once you're investing, once you're carrying 50 different subscriptions that you stop paying attention to, winging it gets super expensive.

747
00:48:00.535 --> 00:48:01.556
Monarch fixed that for me.

748
00:48:01.636 --> 00:48:03.617
It is the personal finance app that tracks

749
00:48:03.937 --> 00:48:04.357
everything.

750
00:48:04.417 --> 00:48:08.478
So that means accounts, investments, savings goals, spending all on one screen.

751
00:48:08.599 --> 00:48:12.320
The first week I had it, it fired recurring charges I've been paying for months without realizing.

752
00:48:12.420 --> 00:48:18.142
And every single week, the AI recap tells me if spending spiked, if my net worth moved, and what bills are coming.

753
00:48:18.162 --> 00:48:21.403
And I can just ask it, hey, can I afford this trip without touching my savings?

754
00:48:21.443 --> 00:48:24.564
And I can get a real answer based on my actual numbers.

755
00:48:24.664 --> 00:48:26.824
It is a financial advisor in your pocket.

756
00:48:27.104 --> 00:48:28.945
It costs less than an hour with a real one.

757
00:48:29.105 --> 00:48:30.866
So write your own money story with Monarch.

758
00:48:31.087 --> 00:48:35.670
Use code success at monarch.com and get your first year of Monarch Core half off at just $50.

759
00:48:35.951 --> 00:48:39.473
That's 50% off your first year at monarch.com with code success.

760
00:48:39.794 --> 00:48:44.597
I think what can also come of all these moments where you...

761
00:48:45.438 --> 00:48:47.599
express yourself, sit alone with your own thoughts.

762
00:48:47.639 --> 00:48:54.140
It can help you really figure out what your goals actually are and not someone else's goals.

763
00:48:54.220 --> 00:48:55.000
What are your goals?

764
00:48:55.020 --> 00:48:56.320
How do you want to live your life?

765
00:48:56.821 --> 00:48:59.821
And I don't think enough people think about that until it's too late.

766
00:49:00.381 --> 00:49:08.443
I think that the same reason why we don't express ourselves, the same reason why we don't... We are so driven by other people's expectations of us.

767
00:49:09.704 --> 00:49:11.144
It is so difficult because...

768
00:49:12.403 --> 00:49:20.409
The jobs we do, the person we marry, the place we live, these are all more often than not, not even our ideas.

769
00:49:20.629 --> 00:49:22.410
It's like, what did our parents say we should do?

770
00:49:22.570 --> 00:49:24.712
Like, what did our guidance counselor say was a good career?

771
00:49:25.212 --> 00:49:30.535
And then we wake up one day, again, at like 50, 60 years old and realize our whole life has been someone else's.

772
00:49:31.336 --> 00:49:39.502
And we're so, because we're so, we're either distracting ourself from thinking deeply about what we want our life to look like, or we're,

773
00:49:40.222 --> 00:49:46.284
The same reason why we're scared to express ourselves or to tap into our emotions.

774
00:49:46.324 --> 00:49:52.126
We're scared of just sort of going against the grain and doing things differently than what we think we should be doing.

775
00:49:52.726 --> 00:49:54.547
And that's the same personality.

776
00:49:55.167 --> 00:49:57.528
It's going to lead to a life that we don't actually enjoy.

777
00:49:58.488 --> 00:49:59.949
And I feel like more people...

778
00:50:01.395 --> 00:50:03.396
It all comes down to confidence.

779
00:50:04.077 --> 00:50:05.278
It all comes down to confidence.

780
00:50:05.338 --> 00:50:10.961
If you can feel okay being yourself, you can feel okay having that tough conversation.

781
00:50:11.001 --> 00:50:14.343
If you can feel okay saying, hey, I don't want to do this job.

782
00:50:14.443 --> 00:50:16.624
I don't want to be a doctor or a lawyer.

783
00:50:18.105 --> 00:50:21.688
On the other side of that hard thing is a life that you actually enjoy.

784
00:50:22.068 --> 00:50:22.508
Absolutely.

785
00:50:22.548 --> 00:50:25.610
I need you to write a book called Confidence is a Cure.

786
00:50:25.810 --> 00:50:26.731
But that's really it.

787
00:50:28.084 --> 00:50:34.806
But you can't, but you, your work is the first step because to be confident, you need to heal.

788
00:50:35.126 --> 00:50:36.227
You need to be regulated.

789
00:50:36.507 --> 00:50:39.548
And then you can have all these hard conversations and make these tough decisions.

790
00:50:39.668 --> 00:50:40.108
Exactly.

791
00:50:40.208 --> 00:50:41.829
To be confident, you have to be self-aware.

792
00:50:42.389 --> 00:50:47.531
It all comes back to self-awareness because self-awareness is the missing piece of the puzzle.

793
00:50:47.871 --> 00:50:50.472
Because some people can be confident and confidently wrong.

794
00:50:50.932 --> 00:50:51.873
That's very true, too.

795
00:50:52.293 --> 00:50:53.755
Even because they're like, I'm confident.

796
00:50:53.795 --> 00:50:54.515
I want this job.

797
00:50:54.695 --> 00:50:55.196
I'm confident.

798
00:50:55.216 --> 00:50:55.936
I want this relationship.

799
00:50:55.956 --> 00:51:00.320
They think because of how they've been marketed to.

800
00:51:00.861 --> 00:51:02.322
That's why self-awareness is so important.

801
00:51:02.342 --> 00:51:05.705
And the work that I do is because you sit there.

802
00:51:06.185 --> 00:51:07.967
No social media, no outside.

803
00:51:08.767 --> 00:51:09.448
No distractions.

804
00:51:09.468 --> 00:51:10.749
You put your hand on your heart.

805
00:51:11.330 --> 00:51:12.531
And we talk about different things.

806
00:51:12.751 --> 00:51:13.612
What feels the best?

807
00:51:13.652 --> 00:51:15.113
What really feels good?

808
00:51:15.333 --> 00:51:17.115
And I pay attention to movement.

809
00:51:17.735 --> 00:51:18.895
I pay and I'm empathetic.

810
00:51:18.935 --> 00:51:19.836
I could feel energy.

811
00:51:19.856 --> 00:51:26.918
So if I feel an energy shift, I'll say, I noticed when I said this, you moved or you took a deep breath and we go deeper.

812
00:51:27.358 --> 00:51:34.380
A lot of people don't have someone to actually notice them and notice when they're actually abandoning themselves.

813
00:51:34.720 --> 00:51:36.481
We do it all the time.

814
00:51:36.741 --> 00:51:40.842
And a lot of people got a lot of confidence, but they got confidence following other people's dreams.

815
00:51:41.122 --> 00:51:42.903
They have confidence following what they saw or

816
00:51:43.223 --> 00:51:44.545
someone on social media have.

817
00:51:44.825 --> 00:51:47.928
Well, I need to do this because that's what I need to be successful.

818
00:51:48.248 --> 00:51:51.452
So they might have the confidence, but without the self-awareness, they're not aware that

819
00:51:52.930 --> 00:51:55.671
scaling in this area is not even what you really want.

820
00:51:56.392 --> 00:52:00.013
I had a friend, you know, I'm gonna talk about myself.

821
00:52:01.474 --> 00:52:04.095
Cause I did something similar, but hers was more exciting.

822
00:52:04.395 --> 00:52:06.016
But I got a beautiful home.

823
00:52:06.236 --> 00:52:10.218
And at first I wanted to wait to get a home until I was married and pick it out with my husband.

824
00:52:10.238 --> 00:52:11.098
That was my vision.

825
00:52:11.698 --> 00:52:19.942
But I got to a point where I decided to do some deep healing work and I wanted a home because I was paying, you know, 5,000 a month in Cali.

826
00:52:21.062 --> 00:52:21.903
And so I got this home.

827
00:52:22.463 --> 00:52:23.264
Beautiful home.

828
00:52:23.284 --> 00:52:28.510
My dream home, saltwater pool, island kitchen, jacuzzi stub in the master suite.

829
00:52:29.050 --> 00:52:29.791
All these things, right?

830
00:52:29.891 --> 00:52:30.572
Everything that I wanted.

831
00:52:30.632 --> 00:52:32.474
Fireplace, all the elements, right?

832
00:52:33.596 --> 00:52:37.340
And I realized that I love the saltwater pool, but I want to be next to them.

833
00:52:38.700 --> 00:52:44.325
You know, so I thought what I thought would bring me the most joy, like having this home.

834
00:52:44.345 --> 00:52:53.232
Now I'm grateful that I have property, but really I cannot wait to have a home on the beach and it doesn't have to be as big as my home that I have now.

835
00:52:53.632 --> 00:52:55.934
And so was I confident when I bought it?

836
00:52:55.974 --> 00:52:56.234
Yes.

837
00:52:56.254 --> 00:52:57.676
Did I have the funds?

838
00:52:57.756 --> 00:52:58.136
Yes.

839
00:52:58.636 --> 00:53:02.740
And it was a huge accomplishment for me because I did it all by myself, but I'm

840
00:53:04.032 --> 00:53:08.277
At the end of the day, once I became self-aware, and we don't have to, we were here to make mistakes, right?

841
00:53:08.658 --> 00:53:10.640
I know, but you can never figure out what you actually want.

842
00:53:10.720 --> 00:53:12.102
Until you try, right.

843
00:53:12.422 --> 00:53:16.748
So it's like, you know, I just want everyone listening to know you don't have to do it perfectly.

844
00:53:16.788 --> 00:53:19.291
You don't have to be figured out, but you do have to be honest with yourself.

845
00:53:19.611 --> 00:53:22.132
And you do have to be aware when like, OK, I made this choice.

846
00:53:22.172 --> 00:53:25.613
A lot of us make a choice and we just try to be like, OK, well, this is my choice.

847
00:53:25.633 --> 00:53:31.556
And this is why we try to explain why we did a thing, even though we know we actually don't even like it anymore.

848
00:53:31.856 --> 00:53:35.897
We try to intellectualize why we made the decision that we make.

849
00:53:36.037 --> 00:53:37.798
I can intellectualize why I bought the house all day.

850
00:53:37.818 --> 00:53:42.180
But at the end of the day, is that the thing that brings me the most joy?

851
00:53:42.200 --> 00:53:42.260
No.

852
00:53:43.560 --> 00:53:45.643
And that's where self-awareness is most important.

853
00:53:45.983 --> 00:53:46.804
It's like, I like it.

854
00:53:46.824 --> 00:53:47.545
I'm grateful for it.

855
00:53:47.565 --> 00:53:48.647
We'll probably keep it.

856
00:53:48.927 --> 00:53:50.489
But do I want a house on the beach somewhere?

857
00:53:50.809 --> 00:53:51.130
Yes.

858
00:53:51.971 --> 00:53:52.271
Yes.

859
00:53:52.431 --> 00:53:57.535
And be okay with the fact that the first thing wasn't what you expected it to be.

860
00:53:57.635 --> 00:53:57.915
Right.

861
00:53:57.995 --> 00:54:01.797
And it really was, but it just wasn't my highest desire.

862
00:54:01.877 --> 00:54:03.499
And I didn't know until I tried it.

863
00:54:03.979 --> 00:54:07.161
Or let's say you get married and you realize, actually, I don't want to be married.

864
00:54:07.321 --> 00:54:07.961
I want to be single.

865
00:54:08.302 --> 00:54:12.504
But instead of actually communicating that and being honest about that, you go and cheat on your partner.

866
00:54:12.524 --> 00:54:13.345
Right?

867
00:54:13.745 --> 00:54:14.866
No, just be honest.

868
00:54:14.886 --> 00:54:15.887
You want to be out in the streets?

869
00:54:15.907 --> 00:54:16.187
Right.

870
00:54:18.070 --> 00:54:23.033
And be out in the streets or be honest and say, hey, I want to be here, but I want to have multiple partners.

871
00:54:23.374 --> 00:54:31.119
Some people are a lot of people are just not comfortable being honest with themselves about what they really desire.

872
00:54:31.479 --> 00:54:34.981
But if they were actually honest with themselves, they'd be better off.

873
00:54:35.101 --> 00:54:37.783
Their partners would be better off and the world would be a better place.

874
00:54:38.063 --> 00:54:43.407
If we get actually really, truly becomes more self-aware and be more honest with ourselves.

875
00:54:43.727 --> 00:54:53.669
I wish more people would go through this healing process so that they, again, I just keep coming back to the word confidence because the only way that I know how to describe it.

876
00:54:53.749 --> 00:54:54.430
I want this book.

877
00:54:54.870 --> 00:54:57.570
All of the way that you live your life, the person you marry.

878
00:54:59.951 --> 00:55:08.433
It's so wild to think that people can't even have confidence in how they speak to themselves.

879
00:55:08.613 --> 00:55:08.973
Yeah.

880
00:55:10.156 --> 00:55:11.778
That's insane to me.

881
00:55:11.818 --> 00:55:18.484
Well, I think people don't realize that our thoughts are being like, okay, if you think about the way social media works, right?

882
00:55:18.504 --> 00:55:23.129
They pick up on the algorithm of what you like and then they feed it back to you.

883
00:55:23.749 --> 00:55:27.373
People don't understand marketing is doing the same thing.

884
00:55:27.994 --> 00:55:30.876
It's picking up on your deepest insecurities and...

885
00:55:31.688 --> 00:55:43.212
and feeding it back to you and saying, hey, if you get on this app, okay, right now, for instance, the world is, we're marketing marriage and children, right?

886
00:55:43.372 --> 00:55:46.873
Marriage and children, that is the American dream, right?

887
00:55:48.174 --> 00:55:49.074
But is it for everyone?

888
00:55:49.754 --> 00:55:51.435
Is marriage and children- Of course it's not for everyone.

889
00:55:51.455 --> 00:55:53.936
Exactly, but is it highly marketed to everyone?

890
00:55:54.036 --> 00:55:59.658
So much so that if you don't do it, you feel like you're outside of the social norms.

891
00:56:00.207 --> 00:56:01.269
You think something's wrong with you.

892
00:56:01.990 --> 00:56:02.290
Exactly.

893
00:56:02.470 --> 00:56:12.866
And so when someone feels that based on everything around them, based on belonging, you know, even like if, let's say, you want to be the president or something, how often have we had a president who's not married?

894
00:56:13.747 --> 00:56:14.228
Maybe we're a kid.

895
00:56:15.430 --> 00:56:29.974
So when everything that you think that is successful is literally outside of yourself, then you are on this hamster wheel of being something that you're not in order to belong.

896
00:56:31.314 --> 00:56:35.935
Most people are striving to be something that they're not in order to belong.

897
00:56:36.562 --> 00:56:38.083
How can you be happy?

898
00:56:38.623 --> 00:56:42.966
Because being ostracized by a community is like the number one fear that anybody has, right?

899
00:56:43.386 --> 00:56:46.928
So this is why people are scared of like public speaking.

900
00:56:46.948 --> 00:56:54.613
This is why people are scared of jumping on stage or why people are scared of even posting on social media because they're scared that they're going to stand out and be different.

901
00:56:55.533 --> 00:57:01.317
And they're not going to live up to these maybe real, maybe not even real expectations that all these other people who...

902
00:57:02.410 --> 00:57:12.733
I don't know why you care about everyone else's expectations and opinions of you, but we place everyone else's opinion in such high regard that we let them influence and dictate how we live our life.

903
00:57:15.794 --> 00:57:20.916
How do you remove yourself from that game that everyone else is playing?

904
00:57:21.116 --> 00:57:28.538
In order to be confident, you have to realize in order to be confident in who you truly are on a soul level

905
00:57:30.151 --> 00:57:34.799
You have to realize that every great person in the world has been ridiculed.

906
00:57:36.307 --> 00:57:36.807
Think about it.

907
00:57:38.087 --> 00:57:44.329
Every actor, president, most, I'll, you know, my husband tells me not to speak in absolutes.

908
00:57:44.889 --> 00:57:46.790
Most, I'm listening, baby.

909
00:57:47.850 --> 00:57:54.031
Most have been ridiculed, put down, torn apart, most of the great leaders.

910
00:57:54.291 --> 00:58:05.114
So if you want to fully express yourself and be the greatest version of yourself for yourself, for your family, and for the world, realize that you're gonna be ostracized.

911
00:58:05.774 --> 00:58:15.938
You're not going to be, you're going to go outside the norm because the norm has been trained to act and move in a certain way for the profitability of a few of us.

912
00:58:17.518 --> 00:58:19.459
For the profitability of a few of us.

913
00:58:19.779 --> 00:58:22.120
And if you are normal.

914
00:58:24.562 --> 00:58:30.744
Then you are part of that hamster wheel that we're all when you're part of the matrix, as they would say.

915
00:58:31.304 --> 00:58:33.744
So be willing to be abnormal.

916
00:58:34.145 --> 00:58:35.905
Be willing to be ostracized.

917
00:58:36.125 --> 00:58:37.686
Be willing to be talked about.

918
00:58:38.006 --> 00:58:39.806
Be willing to be rejected.

919
00:58:40.266 --> 00:58:41.547
Be willing to be.

920
00:58:43.307 --> 00:58:45.668
completely annihilated.

921
00:58:45.908 --> 00:58:48.509
Like I go through annihilation all the time.

922
00:58:48.889 --> 00:59:02.575
I, my entire life, and it has not stopped, no matter how many books I write, no matter how much I love God and how much of a good person I am, I am, and I remember my dad told me this when I was a little girl, and I was so mad at him.

923
00:59:02.595 --> 00:59:04.355
He's like, Koya, life isn't fair.

924
00:59:04.375 --> 00:59:05.836
I was like, well, why not?

925
00:59:05.876 --> 00:59:07.076
I'm a good person, I do good.

926
00:59:07.377 --> 00:59:10.738
Life is, I'm like, and once I actually listened to him,

927
00:59:11.869 --> 00:59:23.714
Life is not always fair, but you, what I learned, well, I needed a caveat to that to give me hope, right?

928
00:59:24.394 --> 00:59:29.976
And what I tell myself, life might not be fair, but you can be fair to yourself.

929
00:59:30.697 --> 00:59:38.140
And I think every person listening to this, the only person that can love you exactly the way you need to be loved is yourself.

930
00:59:38.841 --> 00:59:45.154
And until you learn to love yourself and take care of yourself, you're always going to be looking at it for it from the world.

931
00:59:45.535 --> 00:59:47.159
And the world is not set up to give it to you.

932
00:59:47.640 --> 00:59:49.283
The world is set up to take care.

933
00:59:50.027 --> 00:59:52.789
Not because it's greedy, because it's set up.

934
00:59:53.129 --> 00:59:53.810
That way, yeah.

935
00:59:53.830 --> 00:59:54.971
That way, right?

936
00:59:55.291 --> 00:59:59.194
And so I think if we are just honest with ourselves about that, we see it.

937
00:59:59.254 --> 01:00:00.155
We see it in the government.

938
01:00:00.175 --> 01:00:01.035
We see what's happening.

939
01:00:01.055 --> 01:00:02.556
We see people dying around the world.

940
01:00:02.576 --> 01:00:03.637
We see this.

941
01:00:04.098 --> 01:00:06.219
We can't close our eyes to this, right?

942
01:00:07.200 --> 01:00:14.025
So if we're willing to be honest and confident in the fact that this shit ain't set up for everybody to win and be well.

943
01:00:14.564 --> 01:00:18.587
And we are outsourcing all of our validation to everyone else.

944
01:00:18.627 --> 01:00:19.948
To a toxic system.

945
01:00:20.028 --> 01:00:20.989
And to a toxic system.

946
01:00:21.449 --> 01:00:26.353
We are literally outsourcing our happiness to a system that's not built to keep us happy.

947
01:00:27.308 --> 01:00:30.010
It's built to keep us wanting and striving.

948
01:00:30.590 --> 01:00:45.718
But what if we reverse engineered the system and we started to live for ourselves, we started communicating with each other, support each other, lift each other up versus compete, you know, collaboration over composition, then that's when the world starts becoming a healthier phase.

949
01:00:45.738 --> 01:00:47.279
We're not fighting over land.

950
01:00:47.479 --> 01:00:51.482
We're making sure everyone has land, everyone has healthcare, that's when we heal.

951
01:00:52.142 --> 01:00:53.443
But it starts within first.

952
01:00:54.003 --> 01:00:57.504
It starts within ourselves, within our partnerships, within our families.

953
01:00:58.004 --> 01:00:59.705
How many of us, we have torn up families?

954
01:00:59.725 --> 01:01:00.685
We're fighting over what?

955
01:01:00.806 --> 01:01:01.086
Money.

956
01:01:01.746 --> 01:01:02.186
Control.

957
01:01:02.606 --> 01:01:03.767
Things that don't matter at all.

958
01:01:05.279 --> 01:01:10.263
But again, we're following a system that is unhealthy.

959
01:01:10.823 --> 01:01:18.049
And until we change the system within ourselves, within our families, we're not going to be able to change the system in the world.

960
01:01:19.070 --> 01:01:20.631
We got to understand it first.

961
01:01:20.711 --> 01:01:22.293
In order to change something, you have to understand it.

962
01:01:22.673 --> 01:01:26.616
Most of us don't understand how we're being manipulated through things.

963
01:01:27.457 --> 01:01:29.920
The government, through religion, through all these things.

964
01:01:30.000 --> 01:01:37.529
But once you start to understand it, then you start to push back against it and you have the capacity to push back against it.

965
01:01:37.789 --> 01:01:42.935
It sounds pessimistic, but don't assume that anybody has your best interests in mind except you.

966
01:01:43.275 --> 01:01:44.497
Right, because they can't.

967
01:01:44.517 --> 01:01:48.042
No one is not pessimistic because it's true.

968
01:01:48.623 --> 01:01:50.426
If it wasn't true, maybe be pessimistic.

969
01:01:50.466 --> 01:01:51.347
Like, everyone's evil.

970
01:01:51.487 --> 01:01:55.473
I mean, everyone can be a little bad, but everyone's not inherently evil, right?

971
01:01:55.934 --> 01:01:57.977
To me, I think everyone is actually inherently good.

972
01:01:58.578 --> 01:02:05.344
But I feel that when there's separation, that's where the darkness comes, the evil comes, the separation.

973
01:02:06.104 --> 01:02:15.532
And if we start to think about like, how can I, when I feel dark or when I feel like negative, how can I shift that?

974
01:02:16.371 --> 01:02:17.972
then we can help other people shift it.

975
01:02:18.233 --> 01:02:26.139
And that's why I do the work that I do, because it's like I feel I have to be honest about it within myself first in order to help someone else move through it.

976
01:02:26.500 --> 01:02:32.485
But if I'm not honest about all the emotions I feel, the anger, the rage when it comes up, how am I going to help you move through yours?

977
01:02:33.577 --> 01:02:36.240
If I'm not, if I'm looking, oh yeah, that's your problem.

978
01:02:36.260 --> 01:02:37.942
Let me help you with your problem, right?

979
01:02:37.962 --> 01:02:39.865
And you can't even be and live it yourself.

980
01:02:39.945 --> 01:02:40.125
No.

981
01:02:40.405 --> 01:02:41.386
How can I realize that?

982
01:02:41.426 --> 01:02:42.748
No, rage is a real emotion.

983
01:02:42.768 --> 01:02:43.729
We have it for a reason.

984
01:02:44.110 --> 01:02:47.293
In the emotional well-being chapter, I talk about your emotions, your ambition.

985
01:02:47.353 --> 01:02:49.376
If you have rage, the rage is there for a reason.

986
01:02:49.416 --> 01:02:50.517
There's a healthy boundary.

987
01:02:50.537 --> 01:02:50.637
Yeah.

988
01:02:51.298 --> 01:02:54.722
Something that you're doing is outside what feels good in your body.

989
01:02:54.742 --> 01:02:55.583
Let's talk about it.

990
01:02:55.603 --> 01:02:56.544
Let's break it down.

991
01:02:56.985 --> 01:02:59.708
Now, do we need to remove ourselves from that situation?

992
01:02:59.728 --> 01:03:01.611
Do we need to change the situation?

993
01:03:01.931 --> 01:03:03.112
Who do we need to communicate?

994
01:03:03.152 --> 01:03:04.334
Then we can work on it.

995
01:03:04.754 --> 01:03:06.877
Well, first, we have to be honest about it.

996
01:03:07.229 --> 01:03:11.031
I want to bring up one last idea that's actually from your first book.

997
01:03:11.131 --> 01:03:15.113
So the first book was entitled Let Your Fears Make You Fierce.

998
01:03:17.474 --> 01:03:19.736
In that book, there's an idea.

999
01:03:20.336 --> 01:03:21.757
You say fear is our friend.

1000
01:03:21.777 --> 01:03:23.878
It shows us places that we need more love.

1001
01:03:25.623 --> 01:03:30.025
This is the fear is in my mind, like the opposite of confidence.

1002
01:03:30.486 --> 01:03:36.069
So it you're, you're saying that fear is a signal that shows us what we have to focus on.

1003
01:03:37.389 --> 01:03:41.832
Explain that idea a little bit more because maybe, maybe fear is what we look at.

1004
01:03:41.872 --> 01:03:44.053
We lean into and then through it.

1005
01:03:44.373 --> 01:03:50.776
figuring out what is scaring us, then we then we get the confidence we can use to go take on everything else.

1006
01:03:50.816 --> 01:03:52.577
And I I'll give you a personal story.

1007
01:03:52.697 --> 01:03:56.579
And I think that this is this ties into what you're speaking about with fear and you tell me.

1008
01:03:57.840 --> 01:04:00.041
But growing up, I was so scared of.

1009
01:04:00.961 --> 01:04:04.063
speaking in front of the class, like giving presentations.

1010
01:04:04.323 --> 01:04:05.504
Now this is what I do for a living.

1011
01:04:06.564 --> 01:04:10.267
And when I first started this podcast, I started a virtual.

1012
01:04:10.307 --> 01:04:15.149
So you don't really think about the audience at all because you're just in front of a computer recording on a Zoom.

1013
01:04:15.690 --> 01:04:19.152
And then eventually I was asked to speak in front of a very large audience.

1014
01:04:19.172 --> 01:04:24.915
And my first speaking gig was at Inbound that Housewap put on, which is like 10,000, 15,000 people show up to this thing.

1015
01:04:25.535 --> 01:04:27.677
And there were sponsors like, hey, Scott, do you want to come out and speak?

1016
01:04:28.417 --> 01:04:29.438
Um, so I did it.

1017
01:04:29.498 --> 01:04:30.318
I was nervous as hell.

1018
01:04:30.338 --> 01:04:38.023
I've said the story a few times, like I, it all went fine, but I was, you know, I was very stressed out about this, but like the back of my chair was soaking wet with sweat.

1019
01:04:38.043 --> 01:04:39.003
It was absolutely gross.

1020
01:04:39.664 --> 01:04:47.348
Um, but then what I did after that was I basically reached out to as many small event organizers as I could find in South Florida.

1021
01:04:47.908 --> 01:04:50.129
And I said, hey, just have me on stage for 10, 15 minutes.

1022
01:04:50.589 --> 01:04:52.109
I just need exposure therapy.

1023
01:04:52.129 --> 01:04:55.150
I need to speak as much as possible to get over the fear.

1024
01:04:55.570 --> 01:05:01.832
So for me, fear was a signal of something that I had to overcome, lean into, and now I speak no problem on stage.

1025
01:05:02.012 --> 01:05:03.272
It's tons of fun, I enjoy it.

1026
01:05:04.552 --> 01:05:06.553
But that was how I interpreted that idea.

1027
01:05:07.133 --> 01:05:12.714
I leaned into the fear and that turned into my job and my career and it took the podcast to the next level.

1028
01:05:12.754 --> 01:05:15.395
Now I can speak, now I'm writing a book, now I'm doing all these fun things.

1029
01:05:17.572 --> 01:05:25.500
How does somebody outside of, in my mind, I thought I was a little crazy for purposefully signing up for things that scared the shit out of me.

1030
01:05:25.560 --> 01:05:33.087
But how does somebody lean into the fear, use fear as a signal for where they have to improve, where they have to focus?

1031
01:05:33.543 --> 01:05:35.405
First of all, congratulations that you did that.

1032
01:05:35.445 --> 01:05:37.047
I think that's so brilliant.

1033
01:05:37.207 --> 01:05:43.813
And I think it's a beautiful story because it just shows that if you want to overcome it, you can.

1034
01:05:44.354 --> 01:05:45.735
But you do have to do the work.

1035
01:05:46.296 --> 01:05:49.599
So in the first book, I talk about fear and I list the acronym.

1036
01:05:49.619 --> 01:05:49.719
Yeah.

1037
01:05:50.660 --> 01:05:55.767
There's one acronym that fear is false evidence appearing real.

1038
01:05:56.227 --> 01:05:57.288
So what was the false evidence?

1039
01:05:57.689 --> 01:06:01.894
That you're scared and you have sweat on the back of your chair.

1040
01:06:01.974 --> 01:06:02.955
It appears real.

1041
01:06:02.995 --> 01:06:05.578
Like, no, this thing is really scaring me.

1042
01:06:06.745 --> 01:06:11.109
And the other acronym is face everything and rise.

1043
01:06:11.870 --> 01:06:15.613
And that's what you did when you set up all of these speaking.

1044
01:06:15.874 --> 01:06:22.000
You faced the fear and you were able to rise because the false thing is that you can't do it.

1045
01:06:22.580 --> 01:06:23.581
And that's not the truth.

1046
01:06:24.362 --> 01:06:29.166
But when you face everything and rise and set yourself up, you just spoke on many stages.

1047
01:06:29.467 --> 01:06:30.768
Or maybe you could have got a therapist.

1048
01:06:30.828 --> 01:06:35.172
Or maybe you could have just built your confidence in different ways by like practicing in your house.

1049
01:06:35.292 --> 01:06:38.035
You know, there's so many ways you can face everything and rise.

1050
01:06:38.095 --> 01:06:39.456
I love that way that you chose.

1051
01:06:39.537 --> 01:06:42.820
And it doesn't have to look the same as my way or anyone else's way.

1052
01:06:42.840 --> 01:06:45.903
But whatever you decide, how are you going to face everything and rise?

1053
01:06:46.874 --> 01:06:50.795
When I was dealing with my grief, how I faced everything was doing the breath healing.

1054
01:06:51.275 --> 01:06:56.496
You know, a lot of people going through traumatic things, they might journal, they might write.

1055
01:06:56.776 --> 01:07:07.979
And the reason I give people all the rituals I do in this book is because I realized after my first book, people need more practical tools they can do every day and they can kind of pick from because there's no one size fits all.

1056
01:07:08.499 --> 01:07:16.621
You know, so well-being rituals is a companion for people to flip through and say, what ritual can I use today to help me feel better?

1057
01:07:17.081 --> 01:07:22.725
to help me feel more confident, to help me feel more connected to myself.

1058
01:07:23.286 --> 01:07:24.707
Because that's really what it's about.

1059
01:07:25.147 --> 01:07:28.269
When we experience fear, we almost feel disconnected from ourselves.

1060
01:07:28.289 --> 01:07:36.956
When you couldn't speak on stage, you're like, I want to do this thing, but I feel like I'm so terrified by it that I'm feeling a disconnection from this desire in my heart.

1061
01:07:37.516 --> 01:07:40.398
But when you faced it, you were able to do it.

1062
01:07:40.898 --> 01:07:46.921
So it's really about noticing the fear, acknowledging the fear, and then facing everything and rise.

1063
01:07:47.302 --> 01:07:51.704
And this line, it shows us the places that we need more love.

1064
01:07:53.365 --> 01:07:58.708
Why do you say that we need to focus on these places as opposed to run from them?

1065
01:07:58.988 --> 01:08:01.350
Like, for example, with me.

1066
01:08:01.550 --> 01:08:01.770
Yeah.

1067
01:08:02.646 --> 01:08:06.390
Why is the advice not, Scott, you're not cut out for public speaking.

1068
01:08:06.410 --> 01:08:08.272
Go focus on what you're already good at.

1069
01:08:08.513 --> 01:08:08.733
Right.

1070
01:08:09.354 --> 01:08:10.395
Because I think that...

1071
01:08:11.738 --> 01:08:20.484
At the end of the day, we are innately talented, you know, like they would say, oh, if you're not a certain height, you'll never dunk, you know, and things like that.

1072
01:08:20.504 --> 01:08:24.847
But we've seen people that can dunk who are not a certain height.

1073
01:08:24.967 --> 01:08:25.287
Right.

1074
01:08:26.148 --> 01:08:28.890
They say, oh, a person can't run this fast.

1075
01:08:28.910 --> 01:08:29.750
And then what do people do?

1076
01:08:29.791 --> 01:08:30.751
They break the record.

1077
01:08:31.031 --> 01:08:32.012
We've built planes.

1078
01:08:32.032 --> 01:08:32.873
We've built cars.

1079
01:08:32.893 --> 01:08:34.354
So we're always praying.

1080
01:08:34.814 --> 01:08:39.476
proving that there's a way when there when there's a will, there's a way, you know.

1081
01:08:39.856 --> 01:08:43.558
And so I think that's what this human experience is about.

1082
01:08:43.778 --> 01:08:45.599
Just seeing like, how much can I do?

1083
01:08:45.959 --> 01:08:51.402
And in the last chapter of our book, The Art of Surrender, the subtitle is How Good Can It Get?

1084
01:08:52.042 --> 01:08:57.905
So we get to ask ourselves, how good can your life get if you step outside of fear?

1085
01:08:58.366 --> 01:09:04.169
If you look at fear as your friend, you can actually see how good life can get for you.

1086
01:09:04.689 --> 01:09:06.050
And not as a life sentence.

1087
01:09:06.070 --> 01:09:07.431
Fear is not a life sentence.

1088
01:09:08.071 --> 01:09:12.013
Fear is just feedback of where you need love and support.

1089
01:09:12.613 --> 01:09:17.336
And if you're willing to pour that love and support into yourself, you can go to the next level in your life.

1090
01:09:18.043 --> 01:09:20.364
So Wellbeing Rituals, where is it?

1091
01:09:20.484 --> 01:09:22.644
If you're on YouTube, it's here.

1092
01:09:22.844 --> 01:09:23.605
It's available now.

1093
01:09:23.625 --> 01:09:25.765
So we'll put all the links in the show notes.

1094
01:09:25.785 --> 01:09:26.786
You can get it on Amazon.

1095
01:09:26.846 --> 01:09:36.849
By the way, you have an all-star team of people that wrote these great little praises for the book.

1096
01:09:37.429 --> 01:09:38.589
Dr. Brian I've had on.

1097
01:09:38.649 --> 01:09:43.171
Mel Robbins, we're doing a little interview in Boston in a couple weeks.

1098
01:09:43.671 --> 01:09:45.411
Jay Shetty, Trent Shelton.

1099
01:09:45.431 --> 01:09:46.132
I don't know Queen Afua.

1100
01:09:47.512 --> 01:09:50.294
Queen Afua is my spiritual mother.

1101
01:09:51.055 --> 01:09:54.098
She has this book called Sacred Woman.

1102
01:09:54.178 --> 01:10:00.624
And when it comes from to healing the womb and healing from trauma, which I wrote about in my first book, she is the queen of that.

1103
01:10:00.724 --> 01:10:06.629
And when you are growing, I think it's really important to have mentors and people that you looked up.

1104
01:10:06.849 --> 01:10:09.712
She's one of my greatest mentors when it comes to well-being.

1105
01:10:10.132 --> 01:10:17.994
In some of your content, you speak about having the person that believes in you before you actually achieved the thing and you've had all these great people in your life.

1106
01:10:18.514 --> 01:10:25.036
It's such a powerful idea and so, so, so important to have people that bet on you before you're even betting on yourself.

1107
01:10:25.296 --> 01:10:25.976
Absolutely.

1108
01:10:26.156 --> 01:10:30.537
And at the end of the day, you've got to bet on yourself because at the end of the day, most of my life...

1109
01:10:31.568 --> 01:10:32.569
I didn't have people.

1110
01:10:32.889 --> 01:10:35.510
Like growing up, I was a weird ball.

1111
01:10:35.870 --> 01:10:41.053
Like I was this nerdy girl who was also an athlete who was trying to do all these things.

1112
01:10:41.113 --> 01:10:42.013
My coach was laughing at me.

1113
01:10:42.033 --> 01:10:43.294
He was like, Koya is so funny.

1114
01:10:43.654 --> 01:10:47.596
She'll just say the most outlandish things, but then she'd do them.

1115
01:10:48.117 --> 01:10:50.017
You know, and so people like, I'm going to London.

1116
01:10:50.058 --> 01:10:51.058
I drive in New York.

1117
01:10:51.138 --> 01:10:52.199
I'm going to drive in London.

1118
01:10:52.439 --> 01:10:57.521
Like I just have a vision of something and I just, I don't have any boundaries.

1119
01:10:57.561 --> 01:10:58.802
I just figure it out and get it done.

1120
01:10:58.842 --> 01:11:00.023
And I think that is...

1121
01:11:01.023 --> 01:11:03.845
the spirit of inventors and creators.

1122
01:11:03.965 --> 01:11:06.606
And I consider myself an inventor and a creator.

1123
01:11:06.907 --> 01:11:07.307
You are.

1124
01:11:07.427 --> 01:11:08.688
And you're helping.

1125
01:11:09.008 --> 01:11:10.209
You're helping your peers.

1126
01:11:10.249 --> 01:11:15.572
You're helping all the other inventors and creators that are good at that, but bad at the rest of their life.

1127
01:11:15.692 --> 01:11:16.492
Right, right.

1128
01:11:16.893 --> 01:11:17.453
And I think...

1129
01:11:17.893 --> 01:11:19.954
That's why community is so important.

1130
01:11:19.974 --> 01:11:21.815
We don't all have to be great at everything.

1131
01:11:22.075 --> 01:11:25.197
We can just be great at what we're great at and you be great at what you're great at.

1132
01:11:25.477 --> 01:11:27.538
And we come together and we support each other.

1133
01:11:28.038 --> 01:11:29.579
That's the way humanity should work.

1134
01:11:29.599 --> 01:11:31.179
We shouldn't be so separated.

1135
01:11:31.860 --> 01:11:40.664
We just need to respect each other, respect our cultures, and then come together and share and celebrate versus trying to have everything one way.

1136
01:11:41.464 --> 01:11:46.967
And I think, again, the way the world is set up is for everyone to march at the same beat of the drum.

1137
01:11:47.368 --> 01:11:49.429
And it's just not natural.

1138
01:11:49.889 --> 01:11:55.532
The first thing that this book speaks about is that burnout is no longer a personal failure.

1139
01:11:57.193 --> 01:11:59.835
I don't even think you understand how real that line is.

1140
01:12:01.783 --> 01:12:15.353
I speak about identity a lot and so many people, again, this audience, when things don't go right, when they feel like I haven't put in 14 hours today yet, I'm an abject failure, which is not true.

1141
01:12:16.113 --> 01:12:24.539
Or, you know, the deal falls through or the person quits or they don't raise the, there's so many things where they just think that,

1142
01:12:25.540 --> 01:12:33.467
I'm not good enough and I'm not a great person because this thing didn't work out or I wasn't able to work as hard as I thought I could or I didn't show up the way that I know I can show up.

1143
01:12:35.504 --> 01:12:36.324
What's your message?

1144
01:12:36.344 --> 01:12:38.825
I mean, there's a lot of different, very tactical strategies.

1145
01:12:38.845 --> 01:13:01.529
You mentioned a few of them in this episode, but what is the message to that high-performing person that continuously just shits on themselves because they feel like they don't bring 150% of themselves to every single thing 24-7, 365, and they get burnt out, and then they hate themselves even more for that?

1146
01:13:01.918 --> 01:13:15.064
I think the way that I moved from burnout to building a global embodied leadership community is to realize that burnout is just dysregulation.

1147
01:13:16.085 --> 01:13:20.807
It's just a sign from your body that you've overridden it too long.

1148
01:13:21.587 --> 01:13:21.867
Right.

1149
01:13:22.188 --> 01:13:33.676
And so sometimes when we're pushing for success, if we keep overriding our need for rest, our need for nourishment, then the body's keeping score is adding up receipts.

1150
01:13:34.236 --> 01:13:36.538
And eventually we experience burnout.

1151
01:13:36.818 --> 01:13:38.079
So burnout is not failure.

1152
01:13:38.119 --> 01:13:41.001
It's just a sign that you've been dysregulated.

1153
01:13:41.021 --> 01:13:42.643
You've been doing things out of alignment.

1154
01:13:42.663 --> 01:13:42.783
Right.

1155
01:13:43.303 --> 01:13:49.691
Saying yes to things you want to say no to, self-abandoning yourself too much in your relationship, in your job.

1156
01:13:49.731 --> 01:13:51.833
So again, burnout is just a sign.

1157
01:13:51.854 --> 01:13:53.095
It's not a sign of failure.

1158
01:13:53.395 --> 01:13:54.577
It's a sign of dysregulation.

1159
01:13:54.897 --> 01:13:57.701
And if people realize that, they can say, okay, well, how can I regulate?

1160
01:13:58.261 --> 01:14:00.103
There are the rituals for the regulation right there.

1161
01:14:00.364 --> 01:14:02.366
Through journaling, through breath work, through...

1162
01:14:03.167 --> 01:14:10.755
time in nature, through moving your body, all these things are scientifically proven to help you be well.

1163
01:14:11.095 --> 01:14:14.799
So again, that burnout is a sign of dysregulation.

1164
01:14:14.859 --> 01:14:16.801
You start to do the rituals of regulation.

1165
01:14:17.061 --> 01:14:18.623
You start to feel more balanced.

1166
01:14:19.024 --> 01:14:19.744
And then...

1167
01:14:20.665 --> 01:14:25.246
When it comes to embodied leadership, you start to get more clear on what is my capacity?

1168
01:14:25.607 --> 01:14:27.367
How much do I want to talk to my partner?

1169
01:14:27.707 --> 01:14:29.208
How much do I want to travel?

1170
01:14:29.548 --> 01:14:31.969
How much time do I want to spend with my kids every day?

1171
01:14:32.029 --> 01:14:36.510
And not based on what society says, but based on how you really feel.

1172
01:14:37.170 --> 01:14:46.173
And that's when you start living a really juicy life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.

1173
01:14:46.533 --> 01:14:46.833
I love it.

1174
01:14:46.853 --> 01:14:47.853
Koya, thank you so much.

1175
01:14:48.354 --> 01:14:49.314
Where can people connect with you?

1176
01:14:49.715 --> 01:14:54.477
Koyaweb.com, social media, Koyaweb, K-O-Y-A-W-E-B-B.

1177
01:14:55.018 --> 01:14:59.520
The last thing I have to ask you, because I ask everybody, you've gone on this incredible journey of healing.

1178
01:14:59.660 --> 01:15:03.161
You've had some highs, a lot of lows as well.

1179
01:15:03.242 --> 01:15:04.482
You've navigated all of it.

1180
01:15:05.563 --> 01:15:11.025
If you could go back and tell 20-year-old Koya one piece of advice, what would that be and why?

1181
01:15:11.766 --> 01:15:16.248
Girl, love yourself first and most.

1182
01:15:20.463 --> 01:15:30.618
Every single day, start with the breath, look in the mirror, and be your best, most fully expressed self every single day.