Kier Gaines - Author of It All Starts When You Do | A Therapist Explains Why You’re Still Unhappy After Getting Everything You Wanted

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You've said fatherhood exposes things about you that you don't know about yourself.

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What did it expose about you?

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One thing that fatherhood revealed about me is I don't like being asked to do things.

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I prefer to chill, but the fact that I'm asked and I answer the call and I do it with love and intentionality says that I'm doing it for a reason that's far beyond me.

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Today's guest is Keir Gaines, a licensed therapist, professional speaker, and mental health advocate.

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In this conversation, he explores fatherhood, identity, success, and the pressure to constantly achieve.

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He shares how fatherhood revealed unexpected parts of himself and why success, productivity, and achievement don't always lead to a deeper sense of fulfillment.

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How do we get to the point where one thing is our complete identity, even though we are so much more than that?

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For some people, they achieve the thing and they realize it doesn't really make them feel, I would say a majority of people, they achieve the thing and it doesn't necessarily make them feel better.

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What are people actually doing when they're repeating these positive affirmations every morning?

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My ultimate question is always, where's the substantive value?

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After you finish feeling good, what are you able to do?

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What are you able to reconstruct?

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MyFitnessPal is a success story partner.

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Now there's something that stops a lot of people from doing the one thing that would help them feel better in their day to day.

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Give them more energy, make them sharper, help them sleep better.

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I think we all want these things, right?

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It's tracking your food.

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It's not rocket science, but tracking your food, tracking what goes into your body is the single best way to feel better, to live a better life, to have more energy, to show up,

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better at work, better at home.

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And tracking your food is not weird.

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It's not obsessive.

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It's not something that only fitness influencers do.

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Because when you first hear, I track what I eat, it can sound like somebody who weighs every grain of rice and is panicking about a slice of pizza.

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That's not what this is.

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That's not what I do.

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And I use MyFitnessPal.

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What I do is I log what I eat and it shows me what's going on with my food.

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And there's this misconception that if you log your food, it's gonna take up an hour of your day.

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No, they've nailed it.

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And I've been using for context the MyFitnessPal app for years now.

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It's one of the first tools I've ever used, first apps I've ever used when I was on my own health and wellness journey.

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The reason being is because it's so simple.

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So they have a couple different ways to log food.

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Barcode scanner that handles any packaged products.

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You just scan it, it'll log it.

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They have voice logging.

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So I can say what I ate out loud, they'll log it.

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There's also meal scan where I can point my camera at my plate

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And it figures out exactly what's on my plate.

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And here's where the premium version of MyFitnessPal comes in.

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It breaks down my macros by meal, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, all separate.

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And that's valuable info because the distribution of my food across my day matters just as much as the total.

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So if most of your protein is at dinner and you're running on coffee and carbs until 2 p.m., well...

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your body is going all morning and most of the afternoon without what it needs.

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So if you feel like garbage around three and four, it's going to show you that.

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So MyFitnessPal gives you meal by meal breakdown.

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And the premium also has a food analysis that shows patterns across the week where you're consistent, where things start to shift when life gets busy.

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So all of a sudden that...

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Mid-afternoon crash is no longer a surprise.

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You understand what you ate and you understand what you feel like garbage, or rather you understand what you didn't eat.

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It also connects with 40 fitness apps and wearables.

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So if you use a smartwatch or a workout app, your nutrition and your training are all in one spot.

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Think about it this way.

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You wouldn't call someone obsessive for checking their bank account, for paying attention to their expenses, for making sure they're not overspending or have all these subscriptions that they're not using if they're trying to save up to purchase a house, right?

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It's smart to have the right data and people that check their bank account, they just want to know what's going on so they can make good decisions.

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This is the same thing.

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It's information about the one thing, food, that affects how you feel more than anything else.

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Because food is a foundation for your energy, for your sleep, for your weight, for your recovery, for your performance at work and at home.

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And you don't have to overhaul how you eat to get value from this.

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This is not about restriction or dieting.

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It's about having information.

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So do yourself a favor, start paying attention to what goes into your body.

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Go to podcasts, podcasts, podcasts, podcasts, and podcasts.

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myfitnesspal.com and use code Scott.

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That's S-C-O-T-T, all uppercase letters for 15% off MyFitnessPal premium.

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One more time, that is podcasts.myfitnesspal.com, code Scott.

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You've said fatherhood exposes things about you that you don't know about yourself.

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That's right.

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What did it expose about you?

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Well, fatherhood forces you, I think parenthood in general, but just through the lived experience of a man, it's just a lot different.

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I think fatherhood is unique because you have this person who you're responsible for.

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And it's this push and pull of making sure you do the right thing to nurture this individual, make sure that they grow into a competent, capable member of society, but also knowing when to step back and allow them to make mistakes, allow them to struggle a little bit so they can be used to adversity and know how to persevere through it.

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And it's a weird yin and yang.

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So one thing the fatherhood revealed about me is I don't like being asked to do things.

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I don't like being in a perfect world.

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I will be completely left alone.

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Don't ask me to do anything.

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And I know somebody out there is going to say, man, that's lazy.

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I will accept that.

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That's fine.

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I know who I am and I embrace it fully.

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But, um,

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I don't like to be asked to do things.

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I prefer to chill.

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But the fact that I'm asked and I answer the call and I do it with love and intentionality says that I'm doing it for a reason that's far beyond me, man.

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So fatherhood showed you what responsibility is and then it made you realize how much you hate it, but you're doing it anyways.

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Yeah, fatherhood more cemented because just the way that I grew up, I had to grow up really fast.

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So I always knew what responsibility was, but fatherhood cemented it in this really unique way that helped me realize, you know, they say that you can't pour from an empty cup.

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Maybe literally you can't, but emotionally we do it every single day.

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And no matter how empty my cup is, I will still find more for these people that I love.

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I didn't think I was that person before I had kids because there was no other way to test that.

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It's tough because that means that you cannot find out if you are right to have a kid until you have a kid.

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Yeah.

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And there's no amount of readiness.

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Like you can be.

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That's scary.

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Yeah.

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It's scary.

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It's scary before and it's scary during.

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And then when they grow up and they have their own lives, it's scary after because you spend the majority of the upbringing on exactly where they lay their heads at night.

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And somewhere around 18, 19, the majority of their life happens away from your view.

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So, yeah, it is scary.

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I think that's the whole point.

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It's scary, but like lean into it anyways.

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What's your advice?

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I mean, right now, I don't think there is a playbook for most people who want to be fathers.

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I'm thinking about, and I want to be a dad, and it's stressful.

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I don't know where I'm going to find the time for it.

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I'm working 24-7, 365, and it's so important to have good people around you.

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One of my really good friends, Leo, he's an incredible entrepreneur.

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He runs a publicly traded company, so he doesn't have a lot of time himself to be a father.

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And I said, we talk about these things.

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I said, you know, like, I don't know how I'm going to have kids.

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Like I wake up at, you know, seven o'clock work till two in the morning, go to bed, wake up, work all day.

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And he's like, Scott, you don't get it.

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When you have kids, it's like a forcing function to only prioritize the things that matter.

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Yeah.

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Because when you have this thing that you're responsible for.

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You can't dick around on stuff that doesn't move the needle in your life.

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Like you got to shut off at five and you, so it's almost like kids forces you to prioritize.

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Yeah.

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And you know what?

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That's a really good point.

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And if you don't prioritize, there's this overwhelming, profound sense of guilt that you will feel that you have to learn how to manage.

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So, yeah, most people who are busy and decide to have kids will if you have kids, sometimes you decide.

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Sometimes it's a pleasant surprise, but you make the room.

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And that's going back to the whole thing.

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When I said pouring from an empty cup, there is no time.

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But you find a way to steal it somehow or.

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or there is no time, but you find a way to maximize a little bit of time that you do have or you completely shift your priorities.

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Before I had kids, I spent my 20s chasing opportunity, like just trying to find my way and feel like I'm a part of something that makes sense.

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I spent my

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late 20s chasing women and just getting that validation, you know, being a good person, but still chasing the romanticism of it all.

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Spent my 30s chasing money.

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I wanted to secure myself and make sure I was OK. And then after kids, I had my first kid at 30 and it just it changed everything.

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It changed the the linchpin of what it is I wanted and what I was motivated by.

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Now I spend my time really chasing moments.

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Like chasing moments and chasing peace.

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The good things are already here.

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And now it's about orienting my brain to absorb what's happening in real time.

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It's so powerful.

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So many people who listen to this show are so ambitious.

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So they have the problem of, and I think this is a growing problem.

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People are having kids later because they're so focused on career and making money.

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And they feel like they, I felt this as well.

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I could not afford the same life that my parents had at my age.

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So I'm like, how do I push harder and achieve more?

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Then all of a sudden...

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You're mid-30s and kids are like, my goodness, how am I going to have this family?

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Now I'm on this career roller coaster and it's not slowing down.

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And I think that's messing with a lot of really ambitious people.

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Yeah, and it's the world that's been designed around us for the longest time, especially when I was in school.

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I'm an 80s baby.

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And the whole thing was achieve, achieve, achieve, achieve, achieve so you can have.

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And kids and family, it's terribly inconvenient.

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for progress and productivity.

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We can, we can paint it however we want.

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When I wrote this book, I wrote it against toxic positivity against the rainbow bullshit.

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The sun will come out tomorrow.

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Everything will be okay.

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Mantra that we've been sold.

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That is not true.

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It will be okay when you make it.

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Okay.

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So it's, it's terribly inconvenient to stop your life and do these things or have to slow down when the momentum feels the strongest.

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And yeah,

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It's just a matter of priority, man.

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It's when when you were in a place where your central focus is the ambition.

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I think you're driven by one thing.

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When you're in a place where family is now your central focus, the person you brought into this world, the person who helped you, who co-created this little thing with you.

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That's your that's your hub now where you're younger is your mom and your dad.

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When you get a partner, you become a good partner.

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It's the person you decided to be with and the little people that I make.

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So it's it forces you to slow down and forces you to look at things differently.

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It forces you to reexamine what automatically comes up in your mind.

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And Scott, I'm going to be honest, man, a lot of the hump, a lot of the hump that you have to cross is mental.

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you know, the things you, oof.

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I like, I like unpacking a title, um, because it means a lot.

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And when I just read it, it's, it's almost a little bit uncomfortable.

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Yeah.

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Because it just shows you that what you have to accomplish and what you're trying to get after in life, like nobody's coming to save you.

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Nobody's coming to like, you know, give you a helping hand.

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Like it's all on you.

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It is, it is the ultimate, you know, uh, it's, it's agency.

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It's internal locus of control.

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It is, it is all on you.

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Um,

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Wow.

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Like that's an uncomfortable message for a lot of people.

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Where do you start when you want to accomplish something in life?

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You have these conflicting priorities of family, of work, of ambition, of I'm not enough.

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Give me advice because I am my audience.

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I'm the person that knows what I have to do, but I don't do it because there's always another email to send, a meeting to take, a deal to close.

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All right, let's break this down.

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What is the priority?

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You're doing all these things.

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You say that you want to achieve all these things.

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The ultimate goal is to not achieve, but what do you want to feel when you have all these things?

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You.

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I want to feel fulfilled, successful, like I didn't waste my time on this earth.

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I think that's noble.

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That makes a lot of sense.

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Do you, in terms of priority, would you say that these things that you are chasing, these things that you are accumulating, do you think that is your ideal way to feel this sense of fulfillment?

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No, I don't know if it is.

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I think that it's just what I fell into because I think life made it really hard not to get after, you know, the next deal, build the business bigger.

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I think it's a side effect of life being really difficult for a lot of people, myself included.

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And then when there's sort of two ways to deal with that feeling.

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Yeah.

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You either give up, and I don't think that's any way to live a life, or you lean full into... Punch the gas.

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Yeah, you punch the gas.

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I think for, you're not different from me, because I was quite the same for a very long time.

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I think you start with, it's going to sound crazy, curiosity.

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You start with curiosity just in what you said.

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You said, well, I don't think so.

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Perfect.

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That's the perfect entry point.

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I don't think so.

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Your brain is not married to this relationship between this particular motif of success and the way that you're going about it.

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That means that you have space and bandwidth in your head and in your heart to adopt different ways to still be full and still feel fulfilled.

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Curiosity allows us to ask what if so when we when I'm talking to people in therapy, one thing that I try to have people practice was called a rational rebuttal, because I think if you can challenge your immediate thoughts, your media feelings, your immediate behaviors away from shame, blame and guilt.

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So you're challenging these things away from the feelings that make you feel worse about yourself.

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That curiosity lends itself to an opportunity for growth or a different perspective.

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So with curiosity, you can lean into the idea of, well, how different would this be if I were to slightly deprioritize the ambition that I have?

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What story would I be telling myself about myself if I deprioritize those things?

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Would I feel like a failure if I feel like a failure?

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Describe failure.

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Am I failure in every instance of my life?

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Because you're not just Scott, the brilliant podcaster.

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You're Scott, the business mind.

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You're Scott, the human.

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You're Scott, the guy that likes to work out.

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You're Scott, the friend.

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Scott, the son.

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Scott, the cousin.

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You have so many parts of your identity that are just as important.

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What that curiosity allows you to do is take the weight and the gravity that this beautiful ambition that you have, the weight that it holds and allows it to evenly distribute it throughout the other parts of your identity.

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Okay.

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That's what the curiosity does.

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And that's where you start wondering what if not what if in a way that says, man, really wish I would have done things differently.

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Not the self deprecating what if, but the what if that lends itself to possibility.

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That's that's that's exactly what the book is about.

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It's about changing your perspective and being curious about the things you think.

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One thing that I like to do that's been helping me since I have a day since I'm a dad and I don't have any time is I just try to think about the way that I think.

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Think about the way that I think.

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What's coming up for me?

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What stories is my brain concocting about what my decisions and what my thoughts say about me in totality?

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How can I partition it out?

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You know, if a snake bites you right here on your wrist, what's the first thing you do?

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Well, you make sure you get like a tourniquet or something that you cut it off of the joint so that the poison doesn't spread.

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It's the same thing with negative thoughts and negative self messaging and the negative what if that allows you to spiral.

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You find a way to partition it, cut it out, cut it off so it doesn't spread to other parts of your identity.

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What happens when, like, how do we get to the point where

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one thing is our complete identity, even though we are so much more than that.

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I think it depends on the person.

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If you're driven by this one thing, the thing that I find is it depends on how married you are to the idea of what it looks like when I finally accomplish it.

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What it looks like when I finally get the thing that I've wanted to hold.

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For some people, they achieve the thing and they realize it doesn't really make them feel, I would say a majority of people, they achieve the thing and it doesn't necessarily make them feel better.

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You know, the dog, on Monday he chases the car, on Tuesday he chases the car, in October he chases the car, in November he chases the car, this year he chases the car, next year he chases the car, and Scott, one day he finally sinks his teeth into the bumper.

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Do you know what he says?

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What now?

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You know, the goalposts keep moving.

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It keeps moving.

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The idea of the thing is always sexier than the thing.

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And sometimes it's it's hard to take a half step back.

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For some people, they need therapy.

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For some people, they need a coach.

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For some people, they need a community of folks who they love, trust and respect, who are honest with them and can help them identify the things that live in their blind self.

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that community of people is so powerful.

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I mean, I mentioned my friend Leo, like the reason I mentioned him is because he does have kids and he is that ambitious person and he works that much, but he still finds time for everything.

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And I think that, you know, there's this cliche saying, right?

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Like you're the average of the five people.

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I think that people think about that in the context of, well, I'm going to hang out with all these successful people.

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But what if they're all successful, single people that don't care about family and don't care about, it's not that they're bad people.

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But if you want that in your life, like maybe those are not the best role models to have around.

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Straight up.

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And it's also not just monetary success.

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It's success of having a strong moral compass, strong sense of morality, a strong connection to community, a strong idea of who you are.

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You know, my most successful friends aren't millionaires and billionaires.

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They're people who are secure and who they become.

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And they can look in the mirror and legitimately love themselves.

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One idea that you speak about, and this is a quote, mantras and toxic positivity won't solve your problems.

283
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So what are people actually doing when they're repeating these positive affirmations every morning?

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I love the affirmation question.

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I have to say this.

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I don't hate affirmations, and I don't feel like affirmations are useless.

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I don't want people to think that I'm just crapping all over affirmations, and I want to know what you think about them.

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But I think words mean things, and words carry tremendous power, but so do actions.

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And if you are...

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Saying the thing that is going to make you feel good.

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My ultimate question is always, where's the substantive value?

292
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After you finish feeling good, what are you able to do?

293
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What are you able to reconstruct?

294
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If you say, I love myself and worth a lot in the mirror every single day, you say that, but you don't deeply feel it.

295
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You took care of the symptom, but not the underlying problem.

296
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You replaced the drywall that was bubbling up, but your roof is still leaking.

297
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And if you fix the cosmetic part of it, the part that's most topical, the part that you can see, but you don't fix the source, it's bound to happen again.

298
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So with the affirmations, I don't think that they should disappear.

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I think they should be accompanied by actually doing the work.

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And doing the work is, again, not chasing the symptomology, but figuring out where it comes from.

301
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If your affirmation is I love myself, there's a high likelihood that you don't feel deeply a sense of profound love for yourself.

302
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So then, OK, if I don't feel love for myself, then what does loving myself mean?

303
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It doesn't always mean that I'm absolutely infatuated with every part of me.

304
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That's ridiculous.

305
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They're parts of you that you're never going to love.

306
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So now what?

307
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Well, if I can't love it, can I like it?

308
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Well, if I can't like it, can I be kind of neutral with it where I just accept it?

309
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I wish it was different, but I can accept the fact that it's not.

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There are different levels to the way that you see it.

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And I think that I call it a wellness fast fashion.

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You know how how you can you can get an outfit that feels good on you tomorrow.

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But after three washes, it doesn't fit anymore.

314
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So that's the affirmations can be fast fashion when we just use them as lip service to make ourselves feel better temporarily.

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But the substance of value comes in the proving it to ourselves and the actions that we take.

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I love it.

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You know, you you mentioned that just saying it is almost like.

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You know what I can equate it to?

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When instead of, in my world, people will listen to endless podcasts and read endless books about starting a business, for example, and they never actually start.

320
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Or they tell their friends they're gonna start and they get that dopamine, it feels good feedback loop.

321
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Cause they're like, I'm gonna start a business or I'm gonna switch my job or I'm gonna do the thing.

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And they never actually do it.

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And there's this gap between the thing you know you have to do and actually taking the action to do it.

324
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And so many people never actually take the action.

325
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So this is another way to almost escape the steps you have to take to achieve the end result.

326
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You are saying, I,

327
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You say all these positive things, and then you never do anything with them.

328
00:21:42.222 --> 00:21:42.902
Mm-hmm.

329
00:21:42.983 --> 00:21:44.163
Everybody loves cake, Scott.

330
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Not everybody loves the messy kitchen that comes from baking cake.

331
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Baking is a messy process.

332
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There's flour everywhere, there's egg everywhere.

333
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You might not have all the ingredients you need.

334
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You can say whatever you want.

335
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Like, words have power, and you can just... You can feel good by the words that you say.

336
00:22:00.772 --> 00:22:04.854
But you're not just who you appear to be when you're in front of all the people that you need.

337
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Who you need to feel like you're doing the things or who you feel like a buy in this projection of you.

338
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You are the person you are when you're alone in the room by yourself with your thoughts.

339
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Who are you in those moments?

340
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What what strength do you have to recoup and repair after something bad happens to you?

341
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How do you feel about yourself internally, realistically and authentically?

342
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We live in a world and you and I spend a lot of time on camera.

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We live in a world full of performers and performances, which is fine, except for when your internal world is damaged because of that.

344
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You don't know how to fix it.

345
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You don't feel good in your skin and you read books that give you these motivation.

346
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These motivational quotes and these things that give you the hoorah in the moment and you borrow this person's confidence.

347
00:22:50.640 --> 00:22:53.482
And then once it wanes, you're left with just the tools that you have.

348
00:22:54.003 --> 00:23:00.988
So what is what is that first step when you feel like you are out of alignment, when you're broken inside, when you're not happy, when you're not fulfilled?

349
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Like there's a million different things you can do, but like the first thing that most, this is my biggest issue with the self-development.

350
00:23:09.273 --> 00:23:10.934
Oh, he keeps about to get it to his back.

351
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Come on, Sky, get it to me.

352
00:23:12.255 --> 00:23:18.979
It's, it's that they want to teach things that don't heal people, not because they're malicious.

353
00:23:19.359 --> 00:23:22.722
It's because if somebody is healed, they don't have to go back to your content.

354
00:23:22.742 --> 00:23:23.322
Oh.

355
00:23:23.482 --> 00:23:31.936
I would be so happy if people listened to one thing in this interview and then did one thing in their life and never had to listen to a podcast I made ever again.

356
00:23:32.277 --> 00:23:35.262
You know how happy I would be because that means I actually did my job.

357
00:23:36.947 --> 00:23:46.769
I had somebody ask me this actually, do you feel like you always say about take action, do more, achieve the end result, get the thing done, but you're creating podcasts for a living to keep teaching people.

358
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Do you feel like you're almost contributing to the problem because you're not creating, how did he say it?

359
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He's like, there's this friction between the idea of getting things done and doing the action and just consuming more and learning more.

360
00:24:05.072 --> 00:24:07.773
Well, you're creating content to keep people in the learning phase.

361
00:24:07.813 --> 00:24:08.533
I'm like, no, I'm not.

362
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I always say on my shows, like, stop listening.

363
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Write one thing down that you learned today.

364
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Go do it.

365
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Like, I don't need you to listen to the podcast anymore.

366
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And see, even if you do that.

367
00:24:18.877 --> 00:24:21.878
So in the book, I talk about uncomfortable truths.

368
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And there are realities that we have that, I mean, we avoid for whatever reason.

369
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We're not ready to walk into them.

370
00:24:28.361 --> 00:24:32.002
It's just a little too real, a little too visceral for us to accept in the moment.

371
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Like, we walk around these uncomfortable truths.

372
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And one of the uncomfortable truths is that I'm not over a thing that happened to me.

373
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Some people have horrible things happen to them in their life.

374
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Some people have inconvenient things happen to them in their lives.

375
00:24:47.747 --> 00:24:49.347
And we're in such a rush to be healed.

376
00:24:49.387 --> 00:24:51.768
How many times have you heard somebody say off hill?

377
00:24:51.868 --> 00:24:52.148
I'm here.

378
00:24:52.168 --> 00:24:53.749
I'm completely healed from that thing.

379
00:24:54.189 --> 00:24:57.550
It's like, no, that's that's not an end game thing.

380
00:24:57.610 --> 00:25:01.791
That's something healing is a practice that you practice for life.

381
00:25:02.431 --> 00:25:11.017
Because even if you solve the problem today, the help that you need in the next three years that you have to give yourself will change because you will be different.

382
00:25:11.337 --> 00:25:17.722
So even if you were to give me a thing and I would apply it and it works, I still have to come back because there are other parts of my identity.

383
00:25:17.942 --> 00:25:19.603
There are other things that I struggle with.

384
00:25:19.984 --> 00:25:21.445
It's it's multifactorial.

385
00:25:21.525 --> 00:25:22.886
It's not a one shot deal.

386
00:25:23.386 --> 00:25:30.711
So even I see what you're saying when you say they want you to they don't want you to.

387
00:25:31.672 --> 00:25:33.113
just have problem solved.

388
00:25:33.334 --> 00:25:34.575
They want you to keep coming back.

389
00:25:34.755 --> 00:25:39.940
I would argue that continuously coming back is how you stay alone in your continuum of healing.

390
00:25:40.020 --> 00:25:41.521
As long as they're moving in the right direction.

391
00:25:41.541 --> 00:25:48.247
You got to be moving in the right direction, but you got to identify what that means, though, Scott, because some people think because your feet are moving, you're going forward.

392
00:25:48.647 --> 00:25:58.196
Like, no, you could be marching in place and, I mean, expending tremendous energy but not really having any inertia going forward.

393
00:25:58.436 --> 00:26:02.798
So this is what, you know, this was, I went on a tangent there about self-help.

394
00:26:03.038 --> 00:26:04.099
Nah, I love a good tangent.

395
00:26:04.239 --> 00:26:05.099
But like bringing it back.

396
00:26:05.160 --> 00:26:07.281
So then it all starts when you do.

397
00:26:07.381 --> 00:26:08.401
What is that first thing?

398
00:26:08.541 --> 00:26:12.904
Like the first meaningful thing that you can do to know if you're moving in the right direction.

399
00:26:13.284 --> 00:26:15.185
Well, the book really starts with self-awareness.

400
00:26:16.344 --> 00:26:17.745
and curiosity you're mentioning before.

401
00:26:17.765 --> 00:26:19.346
Yep, it starts with self-awareness.

402
00:26:19.746 --> 00:26:24.369
So just having a good idea of the different parts of you that exist.

403
00:26:24.409 --> 00:26:28.392
Sometimes we overcomplicate this idea of ourselves, sometimes we oversimplify.

404
00:26:28.892 --> 00:26:33.115
So in the very beginning, we break it down into four selves, the open self, the blind self,

405
00:26:33.735 --> 00:26:37.077
the hidden self and the unknown self, the open self.

406
00:26:37.117 --> 00:26:41.020
And it's just a concept for you to get to understand where you are in the world.

407
00:26:41.380 --> 00:26:45.183
Open self, things that you know about yourself and other people know about you as well.

408
00:26:45.923 --> 00:26:48.385
I mean, obviously, I like to talk about healing.

409
00:26:48.725 --> 00:26:49.706
I'm a therapist.

410
00:26:50.026 --> 00:26:52.468
You know, there are things that are pretty obvious about me.

411
00:26:52.868 --> 00:26:54.469
Then there is the hidden self.

412
00:26:54.589 --> 00:26:58.210
There are things that other people don't know about me, but I know about myself.

413
00:26:58.310 --> 00:27:02.871
Maybe it's a nervousness I feel before podcast interviews that I can I can fake really well.

414
00:27:03.351 --> 00:27:03.611
Right.

415
00:27:03.671 --> 00:27:08.953
Maybe it's an underlying medical condition that I'm struggling with, but I don't want people to think I'm weak, so I don't tell them about it.

416
00:27:09.253 --> 00:27:11.735
Then it's the blind self, which is what we work on on therapy.

417
00:27:11.755 --> 00:27:15.818
That's the things that other people can see, but you can't see in yourself.

418
00:27:15.878 --> 00:27:17.399
That's the dangerous side.

419
00:27:17.819 --> 00:27:25.425
These are attitudes, beliefs, proclivities that you just I mean, they evade your awareness, but it's obvious to everybody else in the room.

420
00:27:25.665 --> 00:27:29.028
And then the unknown self, things you don't know about yourself, but other people know about.

421
00:27:29.128 --> 00:27:31.009
I mean, other people don't know about you as well.

422
00:27:31.309 --> 00:27:34.852
These are things that are yet to be discovered, like Scott's an awesome dad.

423
00:27:35.232 --> 00:27:39.034
Nobody will know that until the time actually comes for you to demonstrate that.

424
00:27:39.474 --> 00:27:46.557
So it's I think one of the first places to start is to realize what lives in those four boxes in your mind.

425
00:27:47.657 --> 00:27:48.598
The blind self.

426
00:27:48.738 --> 00:27:53.560
I'm curious what other people see about us that we don't see about ourselves.

427
00:27:56.882 --> 00:28:00.963
In some cases, do we overestimate what people pay attention to?

428
00:28:01.583 --> 00:28:02.583
And does that inhibit us?

429
00:28:02.783 --> 00:28:09.525
Because I know that there's things that Gina sees about me that she sometimes tells me, but I probably don't see it myself.

430
00:28:09.745 --> 00:28:12.126
And there's things that all my friends and yourself included can see.

431
00:28:12.166 --> 00:28:21.168
But I think sometimes what stops our own growth and our own journey is we think that people see things about us that we don't see in ourselves.

432
00:28:21.188 --> 00:28:24.989
This is why we're so scared to change who we are or to...

433
00:28:25.889 --> 00:28:45.547
Or even to like, to do anything, to go get help, to, to change our career, to do something uncomfortable, to say that we're starting to post on social media when we think our friends and family are going to call us stupid and, you know, gross and corny for posting all these things on, on Instagram.

434
00:28:46.048 --> 00:28:46.248
Yeah.

435
00:28:48.435 --> 00:29:00.805
I think out of the four, the one that it's important to understand, but you can't let the blind self completely dictate how you operate in life.

436
00:29:01.425 --> 00:29:06.349
And I think some people overthink what other people are thinking about in regards to life.

437
00:29:07.770 --> 00:29:08.251
Absolutely.

438
00:29:08.311 --> 00:29:09.672
I think it's a I think you're right.

439
00:29:09.732 --> 00:29:11.133
I think it's a yin and a yang there.

440
00:29:11.153 --> 00:29:14.395
I think that we overestimate and we underestimate sometimes.

441
00:29:14.795 --> 00:29:19.199
Sometimes we like the overestimation is is obvious.

442
00:29:19.239 --> 00:29:22.821
I have a post on my Instagram where I was in the middle of Charlotte's airport.

443
00:29:22.841 --> 00:29:23.782
Think it's like CLT.

444
00:29:24.042 --> 00:29:25.402
Have you ever been to Charlotte's Airport?

445
00:29:25.563 --> 00:29:26.403
Charlotte, North Carolina?

446
00:29:26.443 --> 00:29:27.363
Way back, yes, but yeah.

447
00:29:27.543 --> 00:29:28.424
Massive airport.

448
00:29:28.504 --> 00:29:30.204
Airport's stupid big for no reason.

449
00:29:30.584 --> 00:29:32.145
And I'm just filming in the airport.

450
00:29:32.185 --> 00:29:34.626
I've been creating content full time for five years now.

451
00:29:35.106 --> 00:29:40.208
Five years ago, if I pulled out a camera in front of a bunch of people, everyone's like, what is this weirdo doing, bro?

452
00:29:40.248 --> 00:29:41.088
Get away from me.

453
00:29:41.508 --> 00:29:44.309
Now you can't stop people from trying to hop in the camera to be seen.

454
00:29:44.629 --> 00:29:45.490
But I was just showing everyone.

455
00:29:45.550 --> 00:29:48.371
It's like, you know, in my mind, I used to think that everyone was staring at me.

456
00:29:48.391 --> 00:29:50.151
But look, and I did a 360.

457
00:29:50.531 --> 00:29:51.452
Nobody cares.

458
00:29:52.428 --> 00:29:53.709
Nobody cares that I'm filming.

459
00:29:53.769 --> 00:29:55.711
Everyone has their own thing going on.

460
00:29:56.171 --> 00:29:58.493
And I had to challenge the way that I saw it at first.

461
00:29:58.813 --> 00:30:01.475
I thought people would look at me like, what is he doing?

462
00:30:01.635 --> 00:30:02.836
You know, judgmental.

463
00:30:02.896 --> 00:30:03.136
Right.

464
00:30:03.517 --> 00:30:09.942
But in all actuality, which is the curiosity part, what if instead of like that, it's like, huh, what is he doing?

465
00:30:10.622 --> 00:30:13.965
What if instead of judgment, it's a it's a it's a careful inquiry.

466
00:30:14.792 --> 00:30:15.793
It's curiosity.

467
00:30:16.694 --> 00:30:18.636
It's just a little bit of wonder that they have.

468
00:30:19.296 --> 00:30:27.964
So, yeah, no, we, the things that live in the blind and the hidden self that we don't see and we over and underestimate.

469
00:30:27.984 --> 00:30:30.747
That's why it's good to have the community around you to give you helpful feedback.

470
00:30:31.207 --> 00:30:32.489
Plot is a success story partner.

471
00:30:32.669 --> 00:30:34.871
Now, I spoke about Plot a few episodes back.

472
00:30:34.951 --> 00:30:40.277
This is the AI-powered device that captures your conversations, turns them into transcripts, summaries, action items.

473
00:30:40.437 --> 00:30:44.262
And I wanted to come back to it because I keep finding new ways that this thing is incredibly useful.

474
00:30:44.582 --> 00:30:47.846
Last week, I sat down with a potential sponsor at a coffee shop.

475
00:30:48.146 --> 00:30:53.130
And we were going back and forth on deliverables, timelines, pricing, a lot of details and a lot of numbers.

476
00:30:53.230 --> 00:30:56.873
And normally after a conversation like that, I'd open my notes app on my phone.

477
00:30:57.273 --> 00:30:58.494
I try to write everything down.

478
00:30:58.514 --> 00:31:03.578
I remembered and I'd probably get about 70% of it, but the other 30% would be gone.

479
00:31:04.038 --> 00:31:07.181
Usually the small details that end up mattering a lot later.

480
00:31:07.421 --> 00:31:13.005
But this time with their permission, I had the note pin S on my shirt and I honestly forgot it was even there.

481
00:31:13.246 --> 00:31:17.709
So after the meeting, I opened up my plot app and everything was already laid out the full transcript, a

482
00:31:17.769 --> 00:31:21.432
clear summary, the key numbers we discussed and the follow-ups I'd agree to.

483
00:31:21.512 --> 00:31:24.954
And I could even ask Plod, what pricing did we discuss or what were my next steps?

484
00:31:25.154 --> 00:31:26.695
And it pulls up the answer right away.

485
00:31:26.856 --> 00:31:29.037
I didn't have to reconstruct the conversation from memory.

486
00:31:29.317 --> 00:31:31.039
And that's the part that I keep coming back to.

487
00:31:31.099 --> 00:31:37.263
I'm not splitting my attention in meetings between being present in the conversation and trying to document and remember everything.

488
00:31:37.503 --> 00:31:42.567
I can just focus on the person in front of me, knowing that the important details will be there afterwards.

489
00:31:42.747 --> 00:31:43.907
And remember they do have two products.

490
00:31:43.927 --> 00:31:46.288
So the note pro magnetically attaches at the back of your phone.

491
00:31:46.308 --> 00:31:52.669
It's great for calls and the note pin has clips or magnetically attaches to your shirt, making it ideal for in-person conversations.

492
00:31:52.949 --> 00:31:55.309
And you can choose between them depending on the situation.

493
00:31:55.349 --> 00:32:00.670
So if you spend a lot of your day in conversations and you're tired of losing important details, go check it out.

494
00:32:00.910 --> 00:32:05.511
Go to plod.ai slash success and use code success for 15% off.

495
00:32:05.531 --> 00:32:08.812
That's plod.ai slash success and use code success for 15% off.

496
00:32:09.752 --> 00:32:11.473
Odoo is a success story partner.

497
00:32:11.493 --> 00:32:13.513
And remember that is pronounced Oh-do.

498
00:32:13.613 --> 00:32:17.494
Now I want to tell you something that happened to me recently that I think a lot of you will relate to.

499
00:32:17.774 --> 00:32:21.015
I was trying to send a quote to a client and this should be simple, right?

500
00:32:21.135 --> 00:32:25.177
Except the pricing was in one tool and the contact info was in another tool.

501
00:32:25.497 --> 00:32:27.957
And the last conversation that we had was in a third tool.

502
00:32:28.138 --> 00:32:31.979
And then I spent something like 20 minutes pulling it all together for one quote.

503
00:32:32.199 --> 00:32:32.859
And that's the thing.

504
00:32:33.219 --> 00:32:35.560
Each tool works fine on its own.

505
00:32:35.980 --> 00:32:37.841
The problem is that they don't talk to each other.

506
00:32:38.041 --> 00:32:40.722
So you become the person connecting everything.

507
00:32:40.963 --> 00:32:42.223
You become the integration.

508
00:32:42.383 --> 00:32:46.185
You're the one copying numbers between tabs and making sure everything matches.

509
00:32:46.345 --> 00:32:48.006
But that's what Odoo fixes.

510
00:32:48.186 --> 00:32:50.387
It puts everything on one platform.

511
00:32:50.467 --> 00:32:59.571
So I'm talking accounting, invoicing, CRM, inventory, HR, project management, your website, e-commerce, e-signatures, over 45 apps, all connected.

512
00:32:59.711 --> 00:33:03.773
When something happens in one place, every other place already knows about it.

513
00:33:03.954 --> 00:33:06.615
So you're not updating three systems every time you close a deal.

514
00:33:07.015 --> 00:33:09.037
And the pricing is the part that surprised me.

515
00:33:09.057 --> 00:33:10.377
The first app is free for life.

516
00:33:10.818 --> 00:33:12.719
Unlimited users, hosting included.

517
00:33:13.159 --> 00:33:15.881
One subscription after that unlocks everything else.

518
00:33:16.161 --> 00:33:20.423
So if you're spending your time connecting tools instead of actually doing the work you have to do, go check it out.

519
00:33:20.683 --> 00:33:21.344
Links in the show notes.

520
00:33:21.664 --> 00:33:23.487
My fitness pal is a success story partner.

521
00:33:23.547 --> 00:33:26.270
So people always ask me how I have time to track what I eat.

522
00:33:26.570 --> 00:33:28.112
Daily podcast, newsletter.

523
00:33:28.293 --> 00:33:29.514
I run a full marketing agency.

524
00:33:29.534 --> 00:33:30.375
My days are super full.

525
00:33:30.395 --> 00:33:32.398
And honestly, that's exactly why I do it.

526
00:33:32.518 --> 00:33:37.084
See, when you're running that many things, you can't afford to have your energy be inconsistent.

527
00:33:37.264 --> 00:33:41.986
Food is a foundation for energy, for sleep, for your weight, for recovery, for performance.

528
00:33:42.407 --> 00:33:45.108
And the days that I'm not paying attention to it, I feel it.

529
00:33:45.268 --> 00:33:49.270
The MyFitnessPal app makes tracking what you eat a non-issue, removes all the friction.

530
00:33:49.430 --> 00:33:52.071
I just say what I ate, I can voice log it and it's done.

531
00:33:52.371 --> 00:33:55.993
Or I can point my camera at a plate with MealScan and it figures out what's there.

532
00:33:56.013 --> 00:33:57.674
I'm not sitting around entering ingredients.

533
00:33:57.954 --> 00:33:59.355
The app does the work for me.

534
00:33:59.575 --> 00:34:01.916
And it connects with over 40 fitness apps and wearables.

535
00:34:02.176 --> 00:34:05.718
So my training, my steps, my nutrition, it all goes to one place.

536
00:34:05.938 --> 00:34:10.140
One picture of what's happening instead of having to piece everything together or just go by feel or vibe.

537
00:34:10.180 --> 00:34:12.221
See, the whole thing takes seconds, not minutes.

538
00:34:12.501 --> 00:34:18.203
So go to podcasts.myfitnesspal.com and use code Scott, all uppercase, for 15% off MyFitnessPal Premium.

539
00:34:18.483 --> 00:34:21.845
That's podcasts.myfitnesspal.com, code Scott.

540
00:34:22.445 --> 00:34:26.987
Why the title is so direct and like slightly aggressive?

541
00:34:27.767 --> 00:34:28.908
Why not something gentler?

542
00:34:29.669 --> 00:34:46.231
So as a therapist, when we're doing group therapy and I've done group therapy in a number of different community settings and I mean some rough setting sometimes we do this thing called norming the group and norming the group is when you set the expectation for the audience so they know what's about to happen.

543
00:34:47.428 --> 00:34:58.374
There's no, I'm not doing the, you know, I don't know if you ever watched Fresh Prince, the show back in the day, when Uncle Phil walks into the pool hall, like he's about to get washed by this guy and he's like, break out Lucille.

544
00:34:58.614 --> 00:35:01.356
And he has like a custom pool stick and he just, he's knocking them in.

545
00:35:01.636 --> 00:35:02.496
I'm not doing that.

546
00:35:02.536 --> 00:35:03.977
There's no gotcha moment here.

547
00:35:04.037 --> 00:35:06.378
I'm letting you know exactly what they expect from the jump.

548
00:35:06.639 --> 00:35:14.623
Like, yeah, I guess it can be seen as aggressive and very straightforward, but I'm letting you know exactly what the tone of the book is going to be.

549
00:35:14.903 --> 00:35:17.826
I'm going to hold you close and hold you accountable at the same time.

550
00:35:18.186 --> 00:35:24.833
When we want to get better, one of the most brilliant things that we can share is this idea that growth always feels good.

551
00:35:26.169 --> 00:35:28.131
that change always feels good.

552
00:35:28.531 --> 00:35:35.837
And I want to take it from being something that's kind of characterized as an possibility to something that's challenging, but manageable.

553
00:35:36.438 --> 00:35:39.400
But on the other side of that, Scott, it gives people the autonomy.

554
00:35:39.420 --> 00:35:41.362
Like you're not a passenger to your own life.

555
00:35:41.802 --> 00:35:44.985
It will start, but it all starts when you do not, when you're ready,

556
00:35:45.605 --> 00:35:48.346
Not when you're brave enough.

557
00:35:48.647 --> 00:35:49.787
Not when you feel like it.

558
00:35:49.887 --> 00:35:51.828
It's going to start when you do it.

559
00:35:51.868 --> 00:35:53.809
Like you said, the internal locus of control.

560
00:35:53.949 --> 00:35:57.491
You are the ignition in the flame that's going to burn forever.

561
00:35:58.171 --> 00:36:04.394
Becky Kennedy said, you have the rare ability to make people confront truths they spend their lives avoiding without condemning them.

562
00:36:04.474 --> 00:36:05.455
I love Dr. Becky.

563
00:36:05.775 --> 00:36:06.515
She's incredible.

564
00:36:06.595 --> 00:36:11.078
Yeah, I feel like you could tell people the truth without making them feel horrible about themselves.

565
00:36:11.798 --> 00:36:13.419
I tell this story when I give speeches

566
00:36:14.607 --> 00:36:23.863
all over the country about when I was first moving into our house, my wife went and she was like, look, Hey, you're not going to like this, but we're about to get this mattress.

567
00:36:23.923 --> 00:36:24.844
Just don't look at the price.

568
00:36:24.864 --> 00:36:25.145
Yeah.

569
00:36:25.498 --> 00:36:27.360
And I was like, it can't be that bad.

570
00:36:27.380 --> 00:36:29.903
And I looked at it and the price like a social security number.

571
00:36:30.764 --> 00:36:35.869
And I sat in on the mattress and it was the most comfortable mattress I've ever felt in my entire life.

572
00:36:35.929 --> 00:36:38.672
Like we still have it four years later as a great mattress.

573
00:36:39.573 --> 00:36:44.759
Even with the softness of that mattress, I would not want to be crashed into it at a thousand miles per hour.

574
00:36:45.140 --> 00:36:47.262
You can't crash people into the truth.

575
00:36:47.722 --> 00:36:49.863
about themselves at a thousand miles per hour.

576
00:36:50.203 --> 00:36:54.825
You have to bring it to them in a way that's manageable, palatable and digestible.

577
00:36:55.085 --> 00:36:58.687
So it's still the truth, but it's not so abrasive that it's a punch in the face.

578
00:36:59.027 --> 00:37:00.608
It's more like a gentle call in.

579
00:37:01.768 --> 00:37:04.029
When you're a therapist, you're not telling people what to do.

580
00:37:04.429 --> 00:37:08.731
The way I see it is, you know, we're both in a canoe out in the middle of the pond.

581
00:37:09.631 --> 00:37:11.232
I can't steer this thing for you.

582
00:37:11.332 --> 00:37:12.532
I can only give you instruction.

583
00:37:12.833 --> 00:37:14.213
You have hands on both of the oars.

584
00:37:14.533 --> 00:37:15.574
We can get back to shore.

585
00:37:16.234 --> 00:37:17.755
but we're going to figure it out together.

586
00:37:18.095 --> 00:37:23.277
I'll navigate, you'll look around, and we will be co-authors of this experience right here.

587
00:37:23.517 --> 00:37:24.958
But ultimately, it's all yours.

588
00:37:24.978 --> 00:37:25.818
You're in control.

589
00:37:26.098 --> 00:37:27.099
It all starts when you do.

590
00:37:27.159 --> 00:37:28.379
You have your hands attended to.

591
00:37:29.100 --> 00:37:34.222
What part of people's lives do they have the hardest time fixing?

592
00:37:34.662 --> 00:37:35.823
Is it relationships?

593
00:37:36.003 --> 00:37:36.743
Is it work?

594
00:37:38.532 --> 00:37:41.995
Is it physical health, mental health?

595
00:37:42.015 --> 00:37:43.196
There's so many different...

596
00:37:43.216 --> 00:37:47.859
I feel like, obviously, this answer will be a generalization.

597
00:37:49.140 --> 00:37:50.361
Everyone has their own struggles.

598
00:37:50.441 --> 00:37:52.763
But there are unifying points.

599
00:37:53.383 --> 00:37:53.943
I will go...

600
00:37:55.043 --> 00:38:00.549
A few levels below the things you mentioned, I would say managing expectations.

601
00:38:01.750 --> 00:38:07.236
Managing expectations, managing their own expectations, managing the expectations of people who love them.

602
00:38:07.917 --> 00:38:14.964
If you just look at your life, your life is a series of managing what you think is supposed to happen versus what actually does.

603
00:38:14.984 --> 00:38:15.605
Yeah.

604
00:38:16.120 --> 00:38:17.341
It's never the same.

605
00:38:17.742 --> 00:38:23.688
You know, you when you go to the ice cream truck, there's this like perfectly this perfect little Tweety Bird ice cream.

606
00:38:24.068 --> 00:38:25.089
And you think that's what you're getting.

607
00:38:25.109 --> 00:38:32.998
And when they hand it to you, it's like this disformed, like disfigured, deformed, gelatinous goo that doesn't look like the picture at all.

608
00:38:33.458 --> 00:38:37.582
And I think that's just a perfect characterization of what happens in life oftentimes.

609
00:38:38.003 --> 00:38:39.044
So what do you do after?

610
00:38:39.364 --> 00:38:42.747
You know, you said your biggest gripe with the self-help genre.

611
00:38:42.767 --> 00:38:44.970
My biggest gripe is it talks about the first move.

612
00:38:45.270 --> 00:38:46.531
It does not have a counterpunch.

613
00:38:46.811 --> 00:38:48.573
What happens when that doesn't work?

614
00:38:48.873 --> 00:38:50.234
Because then you're on this journey.

615
00:38:50.315 --> 00:38:51.756
You do the thing that's supposed to work.

616
00:38:51.776 --> 00:38:52.477
It doesn't pan out.

617
00:38:52.797 --> 00:38:53.858
And that can derail you.

618
00:38:53.918 --> 00:38:57.521
And that can almost demotivate you from ever trying to change your life ever again.

619
00:38:57.541 --> 00:38:58.422
I wouldn't say almost.

620
00:38:58.482 --> 00:39:01.025
I would say for a lot of people, it does demotivate them.

621
00:39:01.045 --> 00:39:01.145
Yeah.

622
00:39:02.126 --> 00:39:03.708
And that's exactly what I'm talking about.

623
00:39:03.748 --> 00:39:05.630
So how do you rearrange your expectations?

624
00:39:06.151 --> 00:39:09.516
This isn't what I thought it would be, but I can still find value here.

625
00:39:10.036 --> 00:39:14.482
What is the step that you need to take in order just, I mean, just to scoop back from it?

626
00:39:15.615 --> 00:39:18.076
Three feet and see it from another angle.

627
00:39:18.176 --> 00:39:25.519
How much distance can you get between the thing that upsets you and the behavior that will result from that that you might regret later?

628
00:39:25.639 --> 00:39:27.139
How much time can you buy yourself?

629
00:39:27.419 --> 00:39:29.120
How do you buy yourself that time?

630
00:39:29.800 --> 00:39:33.001
The self-help world doesn't always answer those questions.

631
00:39:33.021 --> 00:39:35.262
And that's exactly why I wrote it all starts with you.

632
00:39:35.282 --> 00:39:37.563
But this is such a powerful idea because think about...

633
00:39:38.543 --> 00:39:46.312
I've never heard anybody say that, but now just thinking about it, that is so important to manage the expectations in everything in your life because you go to the gym.

634
00:39:46.992 --> 00:39:49.435
You definitely don't look the way you want to look in the first month.

635
00:39:50.596 --> 00:39:52.138
Okay, you start the business.

636
00:39:52.398 --> 00:40:00.567
Well, it turns out the guy who was lying about overnight success on Instagram isn't giving you the best advice, so you don't have the Lambo.

637
00:40:01.452 --> 00:40:03.033
I don't have a jet, man.

638
00:40:03.053 --> 00:40:03.493
Don't have a jet.

639
00:40:03.513 --> 00:40:04.234
Just keep us nights.

640
00:40:04.334 --> 00:40:06.955
No, you got to put in 10, 15, 20 years, okay?

641
00:40:07.095 --> 00:40:08.536
Expectations, you have to manage them.

642
00:40:08.956 --> 00:40:09.717
The relationship.

643
00:40:10.337 --> 00:40:10.597
Yeah.

644
00:40:10.857 --> 00:40:13.139
What this person's supposed to mean for me, what they're supposed to do for me.

645
00:40:13.159 --> 00:40:17.361
And on top of the relationship, it changes over time, as it should.

646
00:40:18.021 --> 00:40:25.606
The person who you meet when you're 20, they're not going to be the same person when they're 30, 40, 50, and they shouldn't be, and you shouldn't be either.

647
00:40:26.581 --> 00:40:30.864
So imagine if you have these static expectations about who that person is supposed to be.

648
00:40:32.005 --> 00:40:33.927
Well, this is not going to create the best situation.

649
00:40:34.207 --> 00:40:34.628
It's not.

650
00:40:34.828 --> 00:40:43.675
And then on top of that, what if you marry too closely the idea of it working out the way that you thought it would?

651
00:40:43.715 --> 00:40:46.097
What if you marry that too closely to it being a good thing?

652
00:40:46.477 --> 00:40:54.944
So now if it doesn't come to fruition the exact way that I thought, if my wife isn't this exact person that I imagine her being, well, now I don't have a good marriage.

653
00:40:56.497 --> 00:41:07.679
You lose so much nutritional value in the things you own when you don't have the internal mechanisms or you don't lend yourself the opportunity to shift your perspective.

654
00:41:08.140 --> 00:41:10.480
But in order to shift your perspective, sometimes you need permission.

655
00:41:10.860 --> 00:41:12.281
Sometimes you need a little guidance.

656
00:41:12.321 --> 00:41:18.462
Sometimes you need those inquiries where you challenge yourself beyond the realm of shame, blame and guilt because they're not helpful.

657
00:41:19.142 --> 00:41:29.229
I'm assuming social media is not helping any of this in terms of setting expectations as to what life should be, what relationships should be, what, you know, it hurts as much as it helps.

658
00:41:29.309 --> 00:41:32.572
Probably hurts a little bit more than it helps because a lot of people are performing.

659
00:41:33.112 --> 00:41:36.194
But it definitely has readjusted our expectations.

660
00:41:36.234 --> 00:41:36.875
I don't think it's.

661
00:41:37.415 --> 00:41:41.019
I can't make social media the de facto little whipping boy here, though, man.

662
00:41:41.539 --> 00:41:42.260
It's a lot of things.

663
00:41:42.320 --> 00:41:43.881
It's the fact that I own.

664
00:41:44.042 --> 00:41:51.469
I don't know who your sponsors are, so I won't call any company names, but like I can I can pull up my cell phone and whatever I want to eat.

665
00:41:51.849 --> 00:41:53.491
What are you in the mood for tacos, burritos?

666
00:41:53.531 --> 00:41:54.532
It'll be in 15 minutes.

667
00:41:54.992 --> 00:41:57.273
Whatever song I want to listen to, I can listen to it right now.

668
00:41:57.553 --> 00:42:00.154
Whatever friend I want to check up on, I can check up on them right now.

669
00:42:00.454 --> 00:42:01.915
I can call anybody.

670
00:42:02.295 --> 00:42:04.696
I can check GPT, whatever's on my mind.

671
00:42:04.916 --> 00:42:07.657
Hey, who had the Russian title in the NFL in 1991?

672
00:42:07.977 --> 00:42:11.398
I can solve all of my sports debates with my friends right there in the instant.

673
00:42:11.818 --> 00:42:15.620
Our brains have been rewired by the technology that's available to us.

674
00:42:16.220 --> 00:42:24.004
So to think that that expectation won't bleed into our relationships and our physical fitness and our diets, I would love to save the turtles.

675
00:42:24.084 --> 00:42:25.825
But, man, those paper straws suck.

676
00:42:26.365 --> 00:42:31.547
You know, it's it's it's a different thing when it's actually in front of you and you have to experience it.

677
00:42:31.907 --> 00:42:36.630
So what is what is the the strategy for somebody to reset yourself?

678
00:42:37.717 --> 00:42:47.987
how they think through expectations, how they think through instant gratification so that they can be happy and fulfilled and malleable as a human being.

679
00:42:48.007 --> 00:42:48.927
I like the word malleable.

680
00:42:48.947 --> 00:42:50.409
That's a good one.

681
00:42:50.549 --> 00:42:53.051
I'm going to step back away from happy and fulfilled.

682
00:42:53.191 --> 00:42:54.673
I feel like that's an ultimate goal.

683
00:42:55.093 --> 00:42:57.515
And it'll be really easy for me to say, hey, get this book.

684
00:42:57.536 --> 00:42:58.757
You'll be happy and fulfilled.

685
00:42:58.977 --> 00:43:00.178
Like it's going to do that for you.

686
00:43:00.398 --> 00:43:02.921
And you'll buy it with the expectation and you'll you'll feel better.

687
00:43:02.941 --> 00:43:03.661
You have the steps.

688
00:43:03.722 --> 00:43:05.383
But happy and fulfilled is a big step.

689
00:43:05.583 --> 00:43:07.806
I don't know how many people feel happy and fulfilled.

690
00:43:08.186 --> 00:43:10.028
I don't know how many people being honest about that.

691
00:43:10.128 --> 00:43:13.871
But you can still live a great life without feeling happy and fulfilled about everything you do.

692
00:43:15.773 --> 00:43:17.275
So you ask, what's the first step?

693
00:43:20.373 --> 00:43:24.416
The hardest thing to do right now, and that's to pause.

694
00:43:25.937 --> 00:43:32.582
To pause, to not make every issue an emergency is something that you have to fix immediately.

695
00:43:33.523 --> 00:43:36.565
Everything is not a problem to solve right now.

696
00:43:37.226 --> 00:43:41.229
Pausing and evaluating are two powerful, powerful tools.

697
00:43:42.263 --> 00:43:45.224
I think that you need space and you need time to think.

698
00:43:45.544 --> 00:43:47.724
You need people to bounce ideas off of.

699
00:43:48.084 --> 00:43:51.505
You need some tutelage or mentorship to get another perspective.

700
00:43:51.805 --> 00:43:54.065
What did you do when you were in this situation?

701
00:43:54.365 --> 00:43:55.586
You need time to think.

702
00:43:55.666 --> 00:43:58.506
Maybe you were just not from a maturity standpoint.

703
00:43:58.866 --> 00:44:02.367
You're not in a place to make this decision as soundly as you would like to.

704
00:44:02.787 --> 00:44:05.208
If you don't fix it today, will everything still be okay?

705
00:44:07.468 --> 00:44:08.128
It'll be okay.

706
00:44:08.168 --> 00:44:11.749
It won't be ideal and it'll be inconvenient, but it'll be okay.

707
00:44:12.618 --> 00:44:13.198
It'll be okay.

708
00:44:13.658 --> 00:44:15.178
Sometimes you just need that reassurance.

709
00:44:15.619 --> 00:44:19.679
Pausing is the hardest thing to do right now because it feels like you're falling behind.

710
00:44:20.339 --> 00:44:25.260
People put too much pressure on themselves to fix everything immediately, myself included.

711
00:44:25.300 --> 00:44:25.980
Myself included.

712
00:44:26.000 --> 00:44:26.161
Yeah.

713
00:44:26.981 --> 00:44:28.961
It's so bad, you know, it's so stupid.

714
00:44:28.981 --> 00:44:31.121
I'm just thinking of how this happens every single day.

715
00:44:32.422 --> 00:44:39.423
I'm sure this resonates with some of the people who are listening, but I wake up, I have like 50 emails.

716
00:44:41.433 --> 00:44:55.891
right like this morning and I know I'm doing this podcast in an hour and in my mind I'm like how can I get through these 50 emails before I do this podcast that's the dumbest thing nothing no one who emailed me expects me to answer back immediately

717
00:44:56.980 --> 00:44:58.762
And these are not even problems.

718
00:44:59.282 --> 00:45:00.463
This is almost just like...

719
00:45:01.864 --> 00:45:06.368
It's like an obsession with completion of things.

720
00:45:07.889 --> 00:45:14.795
And, of course, I don't answer any emails because I actually have stuff that I have to do that's really important, which is sit down with you and chat, but...

721
00:45:15.355 --> 00:45:17.619
I think that this is something that happens in every part of our life.

722
00:45:17.679 --> 00:45:21.005
Like we have an argument with our spouse.

723
00:45:21.045 --> 00:45:23.088
God forbid we don't really have a lot of those.

724
00:45:23.228 --> 00:45:27.014
It's hard for me to do anything until I fix that argument.

725
00:45:27.295 --> 00:45:27.575
Mm-hmm.

726
00:45:28.326 --> 00:45:30.328
It's stealing all of your awareness in a moment.

727
00:45:30.368 --> 00:45:31.128
That's not good.

728
00:45:31.308 --> 00:45:32.129
That's not useful.

729
00:45:32.149 --> 00:45:34.271
That means I can't show up for anyone else in my life.

730
00:45:35.071 --> 00:45:38.934
And the argument does have to be discussed and fixed at some point.

731
00:45:39.435 --> 00:45:45.320
You don't want to have resentment towards somebody, but you can't let the thing just derail the rest of your life.

732
00:45:45.920 --> 00:45:48.542
I mean, a bad day at work.

733
00:45:48.722 --> 00:45:49.163
And then...

734
00:45:50.463 --> 00:46:01.710
I mean, a bad day at work for a lot of people can actually turn into an argument at home because they let that bad day at work sort of color their entire day a certain way.

735
00:46:01.730 --> 00:46:02.791
Yeah, the venom spreads.

736
00:46:03.131 --> 00:46:04.032
That's the perspective.

737
00:46:04.112 --> 00:46:05.553
Is it a bad day or a bad moment?

738
00:46:06.385 --> 00:46:24.280
Feelings, I talk about, and it all starts when you do, I talk about emotional hijacking and how emotional hijacking, it's this phenomenon where our brains can perceive a threat that may not be as big of a threat in reality as it feels on the inside.

739
00:46:24.840 --> 00:46:26.641
And that's what the half step back does.

740
00:46:27.122 --> 00:46:30.685
It allows us to understand, and this argument with my significant other is,

741
00:46:31.205 --> 00:46:37.552
It's probably not solvable in one conversation, but it's not so much that I want to solve the problem.

742
00:46:37.572 --> 00:46:39.975
And this is where the self-honesty and self-awareness comes in.

743
00:46:40.316 --> 00:46:41.197
Do I want to solve the problem?

744
00:46:41.257 --> 00:46:43.820
Ultimately, yeah, but I don't want to feel this way anymore.

745
00:46:44.180 --> 00:46:45.722
I don't want to feel the anxiety.

746
00:46:46.022 --> 00:46:46.583
Yeah.

747
00:46:46.823 --> 00:46:49.426
So now I got to get this done because that's going to make me feel better.

748
00:46:49.686 --> 00:46:51.448
And then you do it and you realize that it doesn't.

749
00:46:51.989 --> 00:46:57.131
Because now there's this one point in the argument that opened up 30 other points that all need your attention.

750
00:46:57.491 --> 00:46:58.992
And now you're in this spiral.

751
00:46:59.392 --> 00:47:01.553
And that's why I say everything's not immediately fixable.

752
00:47:01.573 --> 00:47:03.773
Some things you just need to pause on.

753
00:47:04.274 --> 00:47:16.118
And I think in our obsession with achievement, to use your phrase in there, I think sometimes that we forget that the goal isn't always to thrive.

754
00:47:16.478 --> 00:47:18.219
That's a ridiculous goal.

755
00:47:18.539 --> 00:47:20.620
Sometimes the goal is just to survive the moment.

756
00:47:20.640 --> 00:47:21.180
And that's okay.

757
00:47:21.840 --> 00:47:26.903
Yeah, we, I say we as in like myself, I have a tough time with that sometimes.

758
00:47:27.003 --> 00:47:28.404
I like when you do that, man.

759
00:47:28.764 --> 00:47:29.645
I like when you do that.

760
00:47:29.705 --> 00:47:31.626
I like when you put yourself in the boat too.

761
00:47:32.046 --> 00:47:33.387
Like, hey, I'm not better than you.

762
00:47:34.007 --> 00:47:34.788
Definitely not.

763
00:47:35.028 --> 00:47:39.650
I think because we have these microphones, we have all of this knowledge and I get it.

764
00:47:40.091 --> 00:47:43.613
But when you're living, the experience is different than when you're witnessing it.

765
00:47:44.133 --> 00:47:48.455
If I was to come into therapy, I could solve my problems in probably 15 sessions.

766
00:47:48.495 --> 00:47:48.736
Yeah.

767
00:47:49.656 --> 00:47:50.397
Oh, absolutely.

768
00:47:50.417 --> 00:47:52.898
But I'm living it and the emotions overtake me.

769
00:47:53.399 --> 00:48:03.285
And when I'm sad or when I'm disgusted or when I feel disrespected or when I have complex feelings, they they alter and they distort the way that I go about solving them.

770
00:48:03.665 --> 00:48:05.606
So I got to get help with these things.

771
00:48:05.847 --> 00:48:08.808
I got to use my tools or else I will fall in that spiral.

772
00:48:08.828 --> 00:48:09.649
We just talk about.

773
00:48:09.809 --> 00:48:16.272
I just want to tell everybody, we both have access to all the tools, all the strategies.

774
00:48:16.832 --> 00:48:23.715
You do it professionally, but I mean, because of the podcast, anybody who's accomplished anything, I can shoot a text, give them a call.

775
00:48:24.336 --> 00:48:31.099
And even when you know the things you have to do from the people that are the best in their field, it's still hard to do it sometimes.

776
00:48:31.819 --> 00:48:34.821
It is still hard to do it when you're living through it.

777
00:48:35.921 --> 00:48:39.409
you don't always operate in the perfect way.

778
00:48:39.890 --> 00:48:43.458
And I think with anything in life, especially when you're trying to

779
00:48:45.963 --> 00:48:58.050
Get on a good journey of self-development, improvement when you're trying to, I don't know, when you're trying to move in a different direction, when you're trying to manage expectations, when you're trying to do anything in life.

780
00:48:58.651 --> 00:49:00.252
You have to give yourself so much grace.

781
00:49:00.872 --> 00:49:02.453
I'm just regurgitating what you said.

782
00:49:02.473 --> 00:49:03.694
You have to manage expectations.

783
00:49:03.734 --> 00:49:13.700
But I think that when people see, you know, a guy like yourself who has access to all the information and there's still parts of your life that you've gone through that you've struggled with,

784
00:49:14.440 --> 00:49:19.181
I think it makes it a little bit more manageable and doable.

785
00:49:19.361 --> 00:49:23.642
Yeah, and I like that you regurgitated it because maybe somebody didn't catch it the way we said it the first time.

786
00:49:23.682 --> 00:49:26.963
And maybe that rephrasing just offers a different insertion point.

787
00:49:29.144 --> 00:49:33.825
The way I see it like this, like, knowledge doesn't always mean that you can implement the skill

788
00:49:34.505 --> 00:49:35.607
We have knowledge.

789
00:49:35.807 --> 00:49:38.791
There's nothing that you can't figure out almost.

790
00:49:39.352 --> 00:49:40.514
Knowledge is fine.

791
00:49:40.594 --> 00:49:43.178
Knowledge is data, but it doesn't mean you can apply the skill.

792
00:49:43.498 --> 00:49:46.363
If I ask you to draw my face, you can see my face clearly.

793
00:49:46.983 --> 00:49:49.207
But somewhere between- I suck at drawing, dude.

794
00:49:50.248 --> 00:49:51.049
That's the thing, right?

795
00:49:51.269 --> 00:49:51.910
You can see it.

796
00:49:51.990 --> 00:49:52.711
That doesn't make sense.

797
00:49:52.731 --> 00:49:54.714
If you can see it, you should be able to draw it, right?

798
00:49:55.014 --> 00:50:06.248
But somewhere between your eyes and your brain, between your brain and your hand, your hand and the pencil, the pencil and the paper, something happens at each transference, at each one of those little stopping points where you lose a little bit of ability.

799
00:50:07.049 --> 00:50:15.732
What makes you think that knowing the next best step in your life or knowing that you probably shouldn't say this in the argument because it'll be inflammatory and make things go left?

800
00:50:15.972 --> 00:50:20.353
What makes you think that knowing those things is going to stop you from actually doing them?

801
00:50:20.373 --> 00:50:22.134
You have to practice not doing them.

802
00:50:22.354 --> 00:50:23.994
You have to practice pausing.

803
00:50:24.214 --> 00:50:32.777
You have to practice sitting in the discomfort of knowing something like it all starts when you do, even though you're not ready to start and you don't want to and you're afraid of failure.

804
00:50:33.177 --> 00:50:35.318
Yeah, you have to carry all those things with you.

805
00:50:35.738 --> 00:50:36.319
That's the point.

806
00:50:36.339 --> 00:50:39.222
The longer you avoid them, the more reps you miss in practice.

807
00:50:39.482 --> 00:50:45.348
And the more reps you miss in practice, the lower the likelihood is that you will be able to successfully do that thing when it's game time.

808
00:50:45.969 --> 00:50:50.294
You have such a great message for men, and you speak to men often.

809
00:50:50.634 --> 00:50:51.975
You speak to men in context of...

810
00:50:52.616 --> 00:50:55.158
how they fail in relationships, how they fail in healing.

811
00:50:55.638 --> 00:51:04.563
And I say fail, it's a very harsh, inflammatory word, but it's because a lot of men don't have the right guidance.

812
00:51:04.743 --> 00:51:10.626
I don't think there's a lot of people that put out great information on how men can handle life.

813
00:51:10.786 --> 00:51:12.908
I think they're mostly left to their own devices or you have like...

814
00:51:13.648 --> 00:51:15.770
really horrible influences that are trying to speak to men.

815
00:51:15.790 --> 00:51:16.610
A lot of that going on.

816
00:51:16.630 --> 00:51:17.210
A lot of that.

817
00:51:18.211 --> 00:51:20.653
And I've said this many times.

818
00:51:21.013 --> 00:51:24.115
Like there has to be more positive male role models, and I think you are one of them.

819
00:51:24.615 --> 00:51:25.316
Thank you, man.

820
00:51:25.696 --> 00:51:26.777
There's not a lot out there.

821
00:51:27.037 --> 00:51:28.238
So I wish there were more.

822
00:51:28.258 --> 00:51:32.761
But I want you to give some really good advice for men in particular.

823
00:51:34.542 --> 00:51:36.664
What do they get wrong about healing?

824
00:51:36.944 --> 00:51:39.766
What do they get wrong about relationships?

825
00:51:40.486 --> 00:51:42.347
Because I don't think men are thriving right now.

826
00:51:42.708 --> 00:51:42.988
Yeah.

827
00:51:43.348 --> 00:51:55.351
OK, I'll do this because I think with men, one of the unfortunate things that happens is the the default setting is like deficit framed.

828
00:51:55.651 --> 00:51:59.372
We focus a lot on what men aren't doing, but it's important to know.

829
00:51:59.992 --> 00:52:05.433
So one thing is that I think that we're not doing is we're not taking advantage of our mistakes.

830
00:52:06.173 --> 00:52:09.874
And when I say mistakes, I mean just the things you wish you could have done better.

831
00:52:10.414 --> 00:52:12.735
A mistake means that, you know, what doesn't work now.

832
00:52:13.636 --> 00:52:15.438
You know, life is about experimentation.

833
00:52:15.758 --> 00:52:18.822
You're experimenting, trying to find the best way to do this thing.

834
00:52:19.182 --> 00:52:20.403
A mistake means good.

835
00:52:20.744 --> 00:52:22.005
Now we know what doesn't work.

836
00:52:22.326 --> 00:52:25.309
So now we know what we can retool and we can try it again.

837
00:52:25.329 --> 00:52:30.415
But we have to find the bravery to try it again without building this internal narrative of us being a failure.

838
00:52:30.796 --> 00:52:32.558
I don't think we take advantage of our mistakes.

839
00:52:33.118 --> 00:52:56.811
uh what men are doing really well men are doing a really good job at finding community we're getting better at that i think that we're stuck to the narrative of yesteryear and it still exists um and it still exists in large numbers in terms of just being lonely and being like the lone wolf guy but i do so many events for men and we do so many things in different therapy practices for men and we see men building this community and

840
00:52:57.351 --> 00:52:59.352
And the sense of community is getting better.

841
00:52:59.412 --> 00:53:03.493
And one more thing I'll say that men could do better at because it just came to me.

842
00:53:04.013 --> 00:53:11.395
I think that as men, we can do a better job of really accepting all the feelings that belong to us.

843
00:53:11.635 --> 00:53:16.716
And that's so tough because boyhood is really designed to separate you from your emotions.

844
00:53:17.396 --> 00:53:20.377
But there's certain emotions that society just tells us are OK.

845
00:53:21.076 --> 00:53:23.700
And we feel a lot of different emotions, but we'll rebrand it.

846
00:53:24.241 --> 00:53:25.203
I'm not scared, man.

847
00:53:25.223 --> 00:53:27.327
I'm just I'm just I'm locked in.

848
00:53:27.387 --> 00:53:30.352
I'm really I want to make sure that this doesn't happen.

849
00:53:30.392 --> 00:53:32.155
I'm responsible, bro.

850
00:53:32.175 --> 00:53:34.118
You may be responsible, but you're also scared.

851
00:53:35.335 --> 00:53:39.736
And the feeling that you don't accept, you internalize, it fizzles and becomes something else.

852
00:53:40.217 --> 00:53:43.558
And it comes out in a different, more uncontrollable, unforeseen way.

853
00:53:44.038 --> 00:53:46.239
You have to accept the feelings that belong to you.

854
00:53:46.559 --> 00:53:56.942
So when you're in a relationship with someone and you're getting upset and they try to make you feel like you're less of a man because you're upset, instead of listening to that person say, oh, Scott, what you upset you and your feelings?

855
00:53:57.282 --> 00:53:58.023
Oh, you soft.

856
00:53:58.463 --> 00:54:02.924
Say, yeah, I am upsetting in my feelings because I thought that a person who loved me wouldn't talk to me that way.

857
00:54:02.944 --> 00:54:04.385
And I'm disappointed.

858
00:54:05.505 --> 00:54:08.728
Don't let people use your feelings against you.

859
00:54:09.048 --> 00:54:12.391
It's some type of leverage point for them to walk all over you emotionally.

860
00:54:12.431 --> 00:54:14.232
You can stand up for yourself without.

861
00:54:15.663 --> 00:54:17.705
without being intimidating.

862
00:54:17.785 --> 00:54:20.187
You can stand up for yourself without being violent.

863
00:54:20.287 --> 00:54:23.470
You can stand up for your feelings, but you have to acknowledge them.

864
00:54:23.791 --> 00:54:25.092
And that takes a lot of practice.

865
00:54:25.252 --> 00:54:31.758
But why do I feel like even men, they have such a hard time standing up for themselves?

866
00:54:31.818 --> 00:54:32.078
Mm-hmm.

867
00:54:32.319 --> 00:54:33.440
Especially in relationships.

868
00:54:34.320 --> 00:54:35.802
It seems like there's two extremes.

869
00:54:35.942 --> 00:54:38.564
It's either they're too aggressive,

870
00:54:39.465 --> 00:54:41.909
too angry or not at all.

871
00:54:41.969 --> 00:54:44.413
There's no, they're not standing up for themselves at all.

872
00:54:44.493 --> 00:54:45.595
Why are there extremes?

873
00:54:45.695 --> 00:54:48.159
Why can't they have what you just said?

874
00:54:48.179 --> 00:54:50.984
Like, don't weaponize my feelings against me.

875
00:54:53.740 --> 00:54:54.580
It's not aggressive.

876
00:54:55.201 --> 00:55:00.363
It's totally fine to say that to somebody, but it takes courage to do that.

877
00:55:00.983 --> 00:55:07.786
So men either, I think in my experience, men, they go to one extreme or the other.

878
00:55:07.986 --> 00:55:11.748
They either are, again, way too aggressive or they let people walk all over them.

879
00:55:13.029 --> 00:55:14.769
Is there a reason why?

880
00:55:15.030 --> 00:55:20.332
Because I'm thinking about a lot of people that I know that are people pleasers.

881
00:55:21.763 --> 00:55:26.146
a lot of guys that are people pleasers, and they just never, and I was definitely for a very long time.

882
00:55:26.246 --> 00:55:31.849
It took me a lot of work to not be a people pleaser, but not being a people pleaser doesn't mean being an asshole.

883
00:55:32.089 --> 00:55:35.531
No, it doesn't, but nuance disappears when feelings get big.

884
00:55:35.812 --> 00:55:37.172
So I think it's multifactorial.

885
00:55:37.192 --> 00:55:39.094
I think it's a lot of reasons that men do that.

886
00:55:39.114 --> 00:55:40.875
I also think it depends on the man.

887
00:55:41.455 --> 00:55:49.061
how he was raised and what love and warmth and hugs and kisses and reassurance and validation and visibility look like in this house.

888
00:55:49.541 --> 00:55:53.084
We tend to look at men through this 2026 lens.

889
00:55:53.384 --> 00:55:56.947
It's funny to me, like the lens that we raise little boys through now.

890
00:55:56.987 --> 00:55:58.528
Little boys are getting taught something different.

891
00:55:58.548 --> 00:55:58.889
I'm 40.

892
00:55:58.909 --> 00:55:59.409
I was born in 86.

893
00:55:59.429 --> 00:55:59.549
Yeah.

894
00:56:01.763 --> 00:56:03.984
It wasn't any of this when I was growing up.

895
00:56:04.324 --> 00:56:05.004
Like it's...

896
00:56:05.104 --> 00:56:05.964
I'm 90, I'm 36.

897
00:56:06.004 --> 00:56:07.325
I'm not that much younger than you.

898
00:56:07.345 --> 00:56:08.665
So I'm pretty sure we had a very similar.

899
00:56:08.765 --> 00:56:10.465
Yep, so we're around the same time.

900
00:56:11.125 --> 00:56:23.248
The message in wasn't one where you get... Not every little boy was told that he's valued and, you know, he matters and he should hold himself to high regard outside of what he can provide and produce.

901
00:56:23.288 --> 00:56:25.669
That just wasn't the mantra and the message back then.

902
00:56:26.849 --> 00:56:29.952
I'm not demonstrating the message that was taught to me last year.

903
00:56:30.232 --> 00:56:36.138
I'm demonstrating the message that has been cumulative, cumulatively taught to me over the last 40 years.

904
00:56:36.418 --> 00:56:50.630
So I think we get that wrong, but it's when you don't have the practice feeling your feelings and having your feelings validated by your environment and understand that you can have feelings that may, that are kind of characterized as weak, but really they're just human.

905
00:56:50.650 --> 00:56:51.852
You don't have, you don't have,

906
00:56:52.512 --> 00:56:54.995
a lot of practice managing them.

907
00:56:55.055 --> 00:57:00.060
You don't have, you can't recruit the muscle fibers in order to move the weight slowly.

908
00:57:00.080 --> 00:57:13.934
So it either sinks right to the bottom, the two different extremes, it sinks right to the bottom where you just go to anger and violence because anger and violence, Scott, if I don't feel heard, if I don't feel seen and I flip this table over, not only do you see me, you feel me now.

909
00:57:14.626 --> 00:57:16.668
It's a very maladaptive way to get your needs met.

910
00:57:17.508 --> 00:57:20.170
Or I just allow you to walk over me because at least I won't be left.

911
00:57:20.531 --> 00:57:21.411
I won't be abandoned.

912
00:57:21.431 --> 00:57:22.572
I say yes to everything.

913
00:57:22.592 --> 00:57:24.534
I don't want you to be angry with me.

914
00:57:24.594 --> 00:57:26.215
If you're angry with me, then you can leave me.

915
00:57:26.435 --> 00:57:28.457
And if you leave me, what does that say about me?

916
00:57:28.517 --> 00:57:30.779
It confirms all the negative things I think about myself.

917
00:57:31.199 --> 00:57:43.301
So when you don't have practice exploring these emotions and really taking your time to understand what your language looks like inside of them or having this crazy fear of vulnerability, which is completely understandable, but also unhelpful.

918
00:57:43.681 --> 00:57:45.942
Everything sinks to the bottom or floats to the top.

919
00:57:46.182 --> 00:57:49.042
If it lets you walk over, I'll become a complete asshole.

920
00:57:49.442 --> 00:57:51.043
How do you operate?

921
00:57:51.243 --> 00:57:52.583
How do you how do you go through life?

922
00:57:52.643 --> 00:57:58.264
What is the way to increase your confidence so that you don't float to one of these two extremes?

923
00:57:58.484 --> 00:58:01.226
You have to be honest with yourself about the way that you feel.

924
00:58:01.586 --> 00:58:02.607
That's the first step.

925
00:58:03.087 --> 00:58:04.888
This is like a 90-step process.

926
00:58:05.029 --> 00:58:07.430
So if somebody were to come to me at therapy...

927
00:58:07.470 --> 00:58:09.111
It all comes back to self-awareness, though.

928
00:58:09.292 --> 00:58:11.053
Literally everything comes back to self-awareness.

929
00:58:11.273 --> 00:58:15.356
And it all starts when you decide that there needs to be a change.

930
00:58:15.816 --> 00:58:16.537
So if...

931
00:58:17.337 --> 00:58:22.499
You come in and, you know, you either rise into the top or float into the bottom.

932
00:58:22.880 --> 00:58:26.221
First off, we have to realize where you are in the process of change.

933
00:58:26.701 --> 00:58:28.722
Not everybody is in the same place with change.

934
00:58:28.742 --> 00:58:31.424
The five steps, the five stages of behavioral change.

935
00:58:31.944 --> 00:58:32.844
It's got the first step.

936
00:58:32.864 --> 00:58:34.145
You don't even know that there's an issue.

937
00:58:35.285 --> 00:58:39.268
And the steps to behavior change, you don't even do anything until the third step.

938
00:58:39.968 --> 00:58:41.510
The third step is preparation.

939
00:58:41.750 --> 00:58:42.951
And I break them all down.

940
00:58:43.211 --> 00:58:46.053
So you have to know where you are and what you're capable of.

941
00:58:46.373 --> 00:58:51.777
And then you have to figure out where the pain is, which would mean that you have to admit to yourself that there is something painful.

942
00:58:52.317 --> 00:58:54.319
You know, I wish my dad would hug me more.

943
00:58:54.839 --> 00:58:57.500
You know, I wish the kids in school didn't laugh at me as much.

944
00:58:57.881 --> 00:59:02.183
You know, I wish when the bigger boys were around, I could have defended myself a lot better.

945
00:59:02.543 --> 00:59:08.186
Those seem like stupid things as a 40 year old man, as a 35 year old man to be upset about.

946
00:59:08.226 --> 00:59:09.107
They're not stupid.

947
00:59:09.447 --> 00:59:10.467
That's the start of the pain.

948
00:59:10.487 --> 00:59:11.348
That's the epicenter.

949
00:59:11.688 --> 00:59:18.412
But instead of honoring the fact that that hurt and it is reverberated out to these other unrelated parts of our lives, we just dismiss it.

950
00:59:19.052 --> 00:59:21.253
That's a dumb thing to be mad about 30 years later.

951
00:59:21.773 --> 00:59:22.553
I should be mature.

952
00:59:22.853 --> 00:59:25.094
I should be over this, which is another uncomfortable truth.

953
00:59:25.334 --> 00:59:29.115
So we're not even honoring a reality that happened that affected us negatively.

954
00:59:29.575 --> 00:59:30.635
I think that's where you start.

955
00:59:31.196 --> 00:59:35.297
What's the way that we parent so that our kids don't have to deal with the same problems?

956
00:59:35.477 --> 00:59:36.337
Good Lord, Scott.

957
00:59:38.165 --> 00:59:39.366
That's a whole other thing.

958
00:59:39.386 --> 00:59:43.930
You don't think I'm selfish enough to like at least get some good advice for my life from this podcast?

959
00:59:43.950 --> 00:59:45.030
You're kidding yourself, bro.

960
00:59:45.071 --> 00:59:46.412
Nah, use the moment, man.

961
00:59:46.472 --> 00:59:47.613
I would do it if I was you.

962
00:59:48.133 --> 00:59:50.054
I think you're already getting a good head start.

963
00:59:50.155 --> 00:59:57.120
I think it's about being, damn, I'm telling you, I know it sounds like I'm a broken record, but it all kind of starts in the same place.

964
00:59:57.420 --> 01:00:01.524
It's being honest with yourself about the things that happened to you, how they affected you and how you feel.

965
01:00:02.164 --> 01:00:03.845
You know, my girls sometimes, I have two girls.

966
01:00:03.945 --> 01:00:05.225
One is four and one is nine.

967
01:00:06.125 --> 01:00:07.666
And I'm sorry, forgive me.

968
01:00:07.986 --> 01:00:09.747
One is four and a half and one is nine.

969
01:00:09.847 --> 01:00:10.987
Don't forget the half.

970
01:00:11.447 --> 01:00:12.748
She's kidding, she's getting a hard time.

971
01:00:12.808 --> 01:00:14.088
It'll be a problem.

972
01:00:14.428 --> 01:00:15.509
She's the youngest, man.

973
01:00:15.549 --> 01:00:17.129
They're always little spark plugs.

974
01:00:17.729 --> 01:00:20.550
But, you know, the other day, who was it?

975
01:00:20.570 --> 01:00:21.951
It was one of them, I can't remember.

976
01:00:22.331 --> 01:00:27.072
One of them came in and I've asked her to do something a million times and it wasn't done.

977
01:00:27.593 --> 01:00:28.713
And I jumped on her.

978
01:00:28.773 --> 01:00:30.934
I was like, yo, how many times do I have to ask you to do this?

979
01:00:31.674 --> 01:00:37.539
What I didn't realize is she got asked to do something else and it completely diverted her attention.

980
01:00:37.779 --> 01:00:40.401
And the thing I needed her to do wasn't as important as I thought it was.

981
01:00:40.742 --> 01:00:41.803
So do you know what I said?

982
01:00:41.823 --> 01:00:44.285
I grew up in a house where parents didn't apologize.

983
01:00:44.625 --> 01:00:45.546
There was no I'm sorry.

984
01:00:46.246 --> 01:00:47.167
Like that didn't happen.

985
01:00:47.647 --> 01:00:48.608
And I said, you know what, baby?

986
01:00:48.728 --> 01:00:49.749
I am so sorry.

987
01:00:49.789 --> 01:00:51.631
Daddy misunderstood what happened.

988
01:00:51.651 --> 01:00:52.251
I apologize.

989
01:00:52.271 --> 01:00:53.032
I apologize.

990
01:00:55.155 --> 01:01:04.501
My self-awareness tells me that even though my brain tells me I don't have to apologize to a kid, that's a person who has equal stakes, equal rights in this house.

991
01:01:04.981 --> 01:01:06.562
And she deserves to be apologized to.

992
01:01:06.822 --> 01:01:09.944
Whether I think so or not, the apology isn't for me, it's for her.

993
01:01:10.764 --> 01:01:14.246
So she can know that her mistakes are not indictments on her personality or identity.

994
01:01:15.407 --> 01:01:18.029
that's how the self-awareness thing works.

995
01:01:18.370 --> 01:01:19.371
It's levels to a sky.

996
01:01:19.651 --> 01:01:21.312
No, that's so powerful.

997
01:01:21.352 --> 01:01:23.614
Yeah, and it's a worthwhile endeavor.

998
01:01:23.654 --> 01:01:24.495
It's just not easy.

999
01:01:25.195 --> 01:01:31.120
It's not easy, and that's why I wrote this because there needs to be a guide that doesn't tell you what to do

1000
01:01:31.821 --> 01:01:39.449
book kind of challenges you on what to think and how to think and how to think about your thoughts and how to think about your feelings so that you can approach it another way.

1001
01:01:39.469 --> 01:01:40.590
It's almost like first principles.

1002
01:01:41.131 --> 01:01:46.076
It's like if you understand, if you read this book, you understand how to navigate any situation in life.

1003
01:01:46.256 --> 01:01:46.416
Yeah.

1004
01:01:46.556 --> 01:01:49.619
If I tell you what to do, you only know what I told you.

1005
01:01:50.520 --> 01:01:57.502
If I give you a different perspective, you have a lot of different tools in your arsenal that you develop that came from the call came from inside the house.

1006
01:01:57.562 --> 01:01:58.283
That's your stuff.

1007
01:01:58.523 --> 01:02:00.403
Those are your tools that you handcrafted.

1008
01:02:00.703 --> 01:02:06.005
You know how to use and you have ownership of what was the hardest part about writing this book for you?

1009
01:02:06.525 --> 01:02:13.527
I think it was realizing, man, in a book process, you become really vulnerable and realizing that I wasn't.

1010
01:02:15.088 --> 01:02:15.288
As.

1011
01:02:16.874 --> 01:02:18.956
I wasn't in a place in my healing that I thought I was.

1012
01:02:18.976 --> 01:02:20.977
I had more work to do than I anticipated.

1013
01:02:21.618 --> 01:02:28.002
I thought that when I did this book and I'll be on podcast and I'll be talking, I'd be telling other people how to heal, you know?

1014
01:02:28.563 --> 01:02:29.023
You do it.

1015
01:02:29.043 --> 01:02:30.384
You know what you're talking about, yeah.

1016
01:02:30.765 --> 01:02:38.831
But it challenged me because when you're on a podcast and you're talking for an hour and 20 minutes and you listen back, you're like, ah, I wish I would have said that differently.

1017
01:02:39.511 --> 01:02:40.972
Ah, man, I made a mistake.

1018
01:02:41.593 --> 01:02:43.014
Ah, I stuttered on that word.

1019
01:02:43.614 --> 01:02:45.336
And 10 years ago, that would have wrecked me.

1020
01:02:46.186 --> 01:02:52.548
But now I'm able to say, ah, that is not indicative of who I am as a person.

1021
01:02:52.788 --> 01:02:54.128
Mistakes happen.

1022
01:02:54.648 --> 01:02:56.209
They don't say anything about me.

1023
01:02:56.269 --> 01:02:57.409
They're just an occurrence.

1024
01:02:57.969 --> 01:02:58.449
That's it.

1025
01:02:59.210 --> 01:03:08.472
And being on this road and reading this book, and whoever's out there, if you decide to write a book, you're gonna have to read your book front to back like four times.

1026
01:03:09.072 --> 01:03:12.733
And it could be an excruciating process because you first started writing this a year ago.

1027
01:03:12.853 --> 01:03:14.714
You don't even think the same way anymore.

1028
01:03:15.254 --> 01:03:18.295
And the inclination could be to ball it up and now let's just start all over.

1029
01:03:18.695 --> 01:03:22.456
But it's forced me to look at my mistakes and not deeply internalize them.

1030
01:03:22.856 --> 01:03:26.797
You know, it's really helped me develop that muscle even more.

1031
01:03:26.917 --> 01:03:33.658
I've even found that writing, writing is such a clarifying exercise because it just shows you your own thoughts.

1032
01:03:33.758 --> 01:03:34.459
Oh, yeah, for sure.

1033
01:03:34.819 --> 01:03:38.539
It shows like forget about the fact that it shows you what you know and what you don't know.

1034
01:03:39.040 --> 01:03:44.861
But when you start writing down everything you want to teach to somebody, it's a little bit different than we're just yapping on camera.

1035
01:03:45.521 --> 01:04:05.603
because you're forced to sit with it you write a line and you're like wow that's great advice why am i not doing that no that's facts and also like when you speak you can do things like you can manipulate a little bit you can go low and then you can go high and then you can really focus in to make people feel like something important is being said you're not talking about shit important

1036
01:04:06.346 --> 01:04:08.327
But when there's words, it's just words.

1037
01:04:09.027 --> 01:04:13.609
You can't manipulate it to hit the brain a certain way.

1038
01:04:13.769 --> 01:04:15.449
No, the words themselves have to hit.

1039
01:04:15.750 --> 01:04:18.110
The words have to be meaningful, not just the delivery.

1040
01:04:18.170 --> 01:04:19.851
And that can throw you off when you're reading it.

1041
01:04:20.231 --> 01:04:24.313
Writing this out, was there any parts of your own healing journey?

1042
01:04:25.153 --> 01:04:28.474
that you realized were not where you thought they were.

1043
01:04:28.674 --> 01:04:30.495
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1044
01:04:30.575 --> 01:04:33.896
In the back of the book, I talk about my family.

1045
01:04:34.516 --> 01:04:38.137
My mom passed when I was 18, just a few weeks after I graduated from high school.

1046
01:04:39.098 --> 01:04:46.740
And I spent a lot of time angry with my family because I felt like they didn't push in and they didn't do enough.

1047
01:04:46.880 --> 01:04:51.381
And it gave me some emotional distance between them, at least in my head, you know?

1048
01:04:51.402 --> 01:04:52.322
Um...

1049
01:04:53.737 --> 01:05:05.433
What it helped me realize, well, I realized it then, but it solidified it, is at some point I got so married to the idea that they didn't do enough that I wasn't open to the fact that they started doing enough.

1050
01:05:06.356 --> 01:05:18.952
And then it was my turn to not just project these feelings of anger, but to be open and accepting to the warmth and the love that looked different than I remember, but was very much present.

1051
01:05:19.613 --> 01:05:23.418
You know, when your heart is closed, it's just hard to be open and accepting of those things.

1052
01:05:24.198 --> 01:05:37.163
And I think writing that down, that was I think it was hard to say and hard to admit to myself, because like we just said, when you read it on paper and you see it, you get the gaps are just a lot more obvious.

1053
01:05:37.644 --> 01:05:48.428
And I want to say the last four years, I've really been honing in on disrobing myself of anger and frustration and understanding that something bad happened to them, too.

1054
01:05:49.327 --> 01:05:51.268
I'm not the only person that was devastated by this.

1055
01:05:51.748 --> 01:05:54.949
You know, sometimes when somebody has a profound loss like that, you don't know what to say.

1056
01:05:55.649 --> 01:05:56.770
You don't know where to push in.

1057
01:05:56.830 --> 01:05:58.991
I talked about this at the top of the show with Parenthood.

1058
01:05:59.331 --> 01:06:01.752
You don't know where to push in and where to hands off.

1059
01:06:02.338 --> 01:06:04.799
And I have 18-year-old cousins that are lost people.

1060
01:06:05.159 --> 01:06:08.400
And sometimes I don't know where to push in and where to just let go.

1061
01:06:08.800 --> 01:06:13.601
So it just gives me a different perspective into what they were dealing with.

1062
01:06:13.862 --> 01:06:20.043
And to jump into the idea that perhaps the feelings that I have weren't fully cooked.

1063
01:06:20.704 --> 01:06:22.784
You know, they were a little raw in the middle.

1064
01:06:23.845 --> 01:06:27.386
That's big to take on and not make yourself feel worse about.

1065
01:06:27.726 --> 01:06:31.567
But again, I'm just going to point out, and thank you for being super vulnerable, but...

1066
01:06:33.883 --> 01:06:37.707
For everybody listening, like you do this for a living and you still aren't perfect.

1067
01:06:38.127 --> 01:06:39.448
And that's like a beautiful thing.

1068
01:06:40.089 --> 01:06:48.217
And this is, I think the theme of this is going to be like just managing expectations, but also giving yourself grace on this journey.

1069
01:06:48.257 --> 01:06:54.423
Because if you do this for a living and you still find gaps in your own healing journey,

1070
01:06:55.723 --> 01:07:14.113
it's going to be very hard for people that aren't trained to do this, to, to fully heal themselves or to, or to get to where they want to go or to go deep into their subconscious and deal with all the shit that, you know, they felt with their family growing up.

1071
01:07:14.713 --> 01:07:15.533
It's not easy, dude.

1072
01:07:15.753 --> 01:07:16.514
It's not easy.

1073
01:07:16.834 --> 01:07:17.774
It's not convenient.

1074
01:07:17.794 --> 01:07:18.715
Um, um,

1075
01:07:19.255 --> 01:07:22.777
But it's something that's possible to adapt and overcome.

1076
01:07:23.617 --> 01:07:28.060
And it's something where it's very possible to recruit tools that can help you along the way.

1077
01:07:28.380 --> 01:07:38.205
That's literally why I spent two years writing this book to make sure that the things that I teach people or I help guide people through when they come to my practice, that everybody can have access to it.

1078
01:07:38.245 --> 01:07:40.206
Not everybody's going to sit down with a therapist.

1079
01:07:40.726 --> 01:07:51.750
They're just not and not saying that this is a replacement for therapy because it's not, but it's such a good supplemental tool to just have you think a little bit differently and give yourself a different perspective of yourself.

1080
01:07:52.130 --> 01:07:57.071
So not only you can continue on your growth journey, but you can actually see how much you've grown.

1081
01:07:57.091 --> 01:07:59.152
You can actually see it.

1082
01:07:59.683 --> 01:08:01.345
HubSpot is a success story partner.

1083
01:08:01.505 --> 01:08:06.351
Now, every entrepreneur, founder, CEOs listening right now needs to pay attention.

1084
01:08:06.692 --> 01:08:07.453
I have a question for you.

1085
01:08:07.753 --> 01:08:15.403
When a buyer asks AI for a solution or a product that your business sells, does your business come up?

1086
01:08:15.663 --> 01:08:18.504
The answer is that most companies have no idea.

1087
01:08:18.824 --> 01:08:25.645
They don't know if their name shows up in any of the AI tools, chat, perplexity, Claude.

1088
01:08:26.045 --> 01:08:32.626
And by the time they find out, they have lost tons of traffic and tons of deals to someone who did show up.

1089
01:08:32.986 --> 01:08:34.527
HubSpot AEO.

1090
01:08:35.007 --> 01:08:42.288
It helps you show up in those moments with the right answers that your customers and your buyers are looking for when they go type in a question.

1091
01:08:42.528 --> 01:08:43.728
It's before the first click.

1092
01:08:43.768 --> 01:08:46.549
It's before they fill out some form on your website.

1093
01:08:47.049 --> 01:08:50.830
That is the moment that HubSpot AEO is built for.

1094
01:08:51.210 --> 01:08:56.892
So if you want your company to show up in AI searches when your customer is looking, check out HubSpot.com.

1095
01:08:57.252 --> 01:09:00.933
They are the agentic customer platform for growing businesses.

1096
01:09:01.293 --> 01:09:02.794
NetSuite is a success story partner.

1097
01:09:02.974 --> 01:09:06.998
So every day there's another headline about how your business is already behind on AI.

1098
01:09:07.058 --> 01:09:09.900
It's stressful for founders, entrepreneurs, CEOs.

1099
01:09:09.920 --> 01:09:13.103
And the real problem isn't just that your business is behind on AI.

1100
01:09:13.263 --> 01:09:18.267
It's that you don't know where to start and all of your company's data is scattered across a bunch of different systems.

1101
01:09:18.407 --> 01:09:19.708
NetSuite solves all your problems.

1102
01:09:19.808 --> 01:09:27.815
It's the AI powered business management suite that securely brings your finance, your inventory, commerce, HR, and CRM into one source of truth.

1103
01:09:28.035 --> 01:09:35.757
Over 44,000 companies run on it across all kinds of industries, whether you're doing a few million or hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue.

1104
01:09:36.037 --> 01:09:39.318
And with NetSuite Next, AI is built right into how you work.

1105
01:09:39.358 --> 01:09:45.239
You get custom insights on your business throughout the day, and AI agents handle routine tasks alongside your team.

1106
01:09:45.540 --> 01:09:48.600
If I needed a product like this, this is what I would use it for the first time ever.

1107
01:09:48.880 --> 01:09:50.361
You can try NetSuite Next for free.

1108
01:09:50.561 --> 01:09:55.162
If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, go to netsuite.ai.scottclary.

1109
01:09:55.562 --> 01:10:00.386
built for every industry, ready for every boardroom, netsuite.ai slash scottclary.

1110
01:10:00.586 --> 01:10:01.907
Monarch is a success story partner.

1111
01:10:01.987 --> 01:10:02.708
Now, quick question.

1112
01:10:02.848 --> 01:10:04.809
Do you know where your money went last month?

1113
01:10:04.909 --> 01:10:06.671
Not roughly, but exactly.

1114
01:10:06.751 --> 01:10:07.471
And most people don't.

1115
01:10:07.692 --> 01:10:08.632
And I didn't for years.

1116
01:10:08.672 --> 01:10:10.794
And that is most of our money stories, right?

1117
01:10:10.874 --> 01:10:14.617
When we first start our career, we have one income and one account, and you can kind of wing it.

1118
01:10:14.857 --> 01:10:20.862
But once you're running businesses, once you're investing, once you're carrying 50 different subscriptions that you stopped paying attention to,

1119
01:10:21.122 --> 01:10:22.724
Winging it gets super expensive.

1120
01:10:22.944 --> 01:10:23.945
Monarch fixed that for me.

1121
01:10:24.045 --> 01:10:26.788
It is the personal finance app that tracks everything.

1122
01:10:26.848 --> 01:10:30.912
So that means accounts, investments, savings goals, spending all on one screen.

1123
01:10:31.032 --> 01:10:34.735
The first week I had it, it flied recurring charges I'd been paying for months without realizing.

1124
01:10:34.835 --> 01:10:40.581
And every single week, the AI recap tells me if spending spiked, if my net worth moved and what bills are coming.

1125
01:10:40.601 --> 01:10:41.522
And I can just ask it, hey,

1126
01:10:41.662 --> 01:10:43.803
Can I afford this trip without touching my savings?

1127
01:10:43.863 --> 01:10:46.985
And I can get a real answer based on my actual numbers.

1128
01:10:47.085 --> 01:10:49.246
It is a financial advisor in your pocket.

1129
01:10:49.506 --> 01:10:51.367
It costs less than an hour with a real one.

1130
01:10:51.507 --> 01:10:53.288
So write your own money story with Monarch.

1131
01:10:53.528 --> 01:10:58.091
Use code success at Monarch.com and get your first year of Monarch Core half off at just $50.

1132
01:10:58.371 --> 01:11:01.873
That's 50% off your first year at Monarch.com with code success.

1133
01:11:02.413 --> 01:11:08.597
You talk about the difference between being happy with your life versus being happy in your life.

1134
01:11:09.397 --> 01:11:10.899
Where are you right now?

1135
01:11:11.079 --> 01:11:11.960
I can't take credit for that.

1136
01:11:12.001 --> 01:11:13.262
That's Lori Santos, by the way.

1137
01:11:13.282 --> 01:11:14.223
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1138
01:11:14.343 --> 01:11:15.225
She's tremendous.

1139
01:11:16.046 --> 01:11:19.670
She's a professor and a scientist who studies happiness.

1140
01:11:20.351 --> 01:11:21.372
Am I happy with or in my life?

1141
01:11:21.713 --> 01:11:22.734
Am I happy with or in my life?

1142
01:11:23.990 --> 01:11:25.651
Um, you want to be honest, Ashley?

1143
01:11:25.671 --> 01:11:26.392
We're going to be honest.

1144
01:11:26.972 --> 01:11:27.172
All right.

1145
01:11:27.292 --> 01:11:29.153
I'm happy with my life.

1146
01:11:29.754 --> 01:11:31.575
With is the outermost show, if you don't know.

1147
01:11:31.635 --> 01:11:35.217
With is, um, you're happy with the outcomes.

1148
01:11:35.237 --> 01:11:36.197
You like your job.

1149
01:11:36.217 --> 01:11:39.259
You like your, you know, you like the way you dress.

1150
01:11:39.279 --> 01:11:39.800
You like your home.

1151
01:11:39.820 --> 01:11:40.760
You like your car, that thing.

1152
01:11:41.020 --> 01:11:42.021
I'm happy with my life.

1153
01:11:42.541 --> 01:11:43.602
Happy in my life?

1154
01:11:43.822 --> 01:11:49.505
I'm not, I'm not certain because there's a sacrifice you make when you put yourself out there on the internet.

1155
01:11:49.525 --> 01:11:49.626
Yeah.

1156
01:11:50.826 --> 01:11:52.869
And you lose a lot of privacy.

1157
01:11:53.249 --> 01:11:55.311
And then there's a lot of expectations.

1158
01:11:56.172 --> 01:12:05.902
And I think I'm transitioning into what it means to be in the thought leader space where every word you say can be used against you or every word you say people dissect.

1159
01:12:06.242 --> 01:12:10.186
Either they find meaning with they find meaning in or they find a problem with.

1160
01:12:11.107 --> 01:12:12.709
And I'm a super low-key guy, man.

1161
01:12:12.989 --> 01:12:14.331
Like, I'd really rather do nothing.

1162
01:12:14.351 --> 01:12:16.694
I'd rather be at home just watching TV with my feet up.

1163
01:12:17.254 --> 01:12:19.236
I'm not the guy that has to always be busy.

1164
01:12:20.478 --> 01:12:27.265
But with being the servant leader in the world, which I guess I've been thrust into, I'm like Jon Snow, man.

1165
01:12:27.285 --> 01:12:28.266
I'm just reluctant to...

1166
01:12:29.592 --> 01:12:30.093
I don't want that.

1167
01:12:30.113 --> 01:12:31.954
I don't want to throw.

1168
01:12:32.834 --> 01:12:34.095
You know, I accept it.

1169
01:12:34.175 --> 01:12:36.476
And I know that many people are making great strides.

1170
01:12:36.576 --> 01:12:40.558
But the day to day, I think I want a slower life.

1171
01:12:42.239 --> 01:12:42.940
I think I want.

1172
01:12:43.300 --> 01:12:44.981
But I don't think it's my time yet.

1173
01:12:45.401 --> 01:12:48.463
Do you think it's OK to not be happy in your life?

1174
01:12:49.168 --> 01:12:50.248
Yeah, absolutely, man.

1175
01:12:50.408 --> 01:12:52.089
It doesn't mean that I don't like my life.

1176
01:12:52.109 --> 01:12:55.350
There's so many things about my life that I'm happy with.

1177
01:12:55.410 --> 01:13:01.372
And I'm happy with parts of I'm happy in my life in different parts.

1178
01:13:01.432 --> 01:13:02.192
I love my kids.

1179
01:13:02.232 --> 01:13:05.273
But parenthood is so wacky ride, man.

1180
01:13:05.633 --> 01:13:11.015
You know, I love my wife, but I hate that I don't have enough time to just chill with her on the couch and watch Game of Thrones.

1181
01:13:11.475 --> 01:13:13.555
You know, it's I will.

1182
01:13:13.916 --> 01:13:15.276
I don't tomorrow's not promise.

1183
01:13:15.756 --> 01:13:18.217
But I think my mission right now is to do this.

1184
01:13:18.917 --> 01:13:19.617
I think this is it.

1185
01:13:19.638 --> 01:13:21.539
There's so much healing that needs to happen in the world.

1186
01:13:21.759 --> 01:13:24.000
There's so many people who are in pain, who are in peril.

1187
01:13:24.280 --> 01:13:25.861
They just need a little bit of guidance.

1188
01:13:26.082 --> 01:13:29.224
And we've been able to help millions and millions of people.

1189
01:13:29.604 --> 01:13:30.985
And I'm eternally grateful for it.

1190
01:13:31.145 --> 01:13:33.606
I just think that that moment will come for me.

1191
01:13:34.267 --> 01:13:37.129
I don't think this is the season of my life.

1192
01:13:37.309 --> 01:13:37.889
I love that.

1193
01:13:38.209 --> 01:13:40.070
I think that too many people are trying to...

1194
01:13:41.231 --> 01:13:45.414
can be happy in their life in all aspects of their life all the time.

1195
01:13:45.474 --> 01:13:46.695
And I don't think that's reality.

1196
01:13:46.955 --> 01:13:48.876
I don't think that's reality for a lot of people.

1197
01:13:48.976 --> 01:13:50.597
And I let go of that expectation.

1198
01:13:50.617 --> 01:13:51.377
I've rearranged it.

1199
01:13:51.417 --> 01:13:52.298
That's why I can be honest.

1200
01:13:52.358 --> 01:13:53.779
Are you happy in your life?

1201
01:13:53.799 --> 01:13:58.602
Like, yeah, there are things that I absolutely love, but there are things that I need to be different.

1202
01:13:58.682 --> 01:13:59.643
There has to be seasons.

1203
01:13:59.663 --> 01:14:08.207
There has to be seasons of, I mean, I've never said it with your life, in your life, but I've said there has to be seasons of imbalance.

1204
01:14:09.408 --> 01:14:15.411
If you are ambitious and you want to do anything, there's going to be parts of your life where you're working more than you want to be working.

1205
01:14:15.791 --> 01:14:17.312
You're doing things that are uncomfortable.

1206
01:14:17.792 --> 01:14:19.634
I mean, you can make it as comfortable as possible.

1207
01:14:19.874 --> 01:14:22.076
You know, Gina's sitting in the corner chilling.

1208
01:14:22.116 --> 01:14:24.478
We're on this trip doing work together.

1209
01:14:24.518 --> 01:14:27.681
But, I mean, it would be cool if we were just at home chilling.

1210
01:14:27.981 --> 01:14:29.482
You know, I like Game of Thrones, too.

1211
01:14:29.623 --> 01:14:30.844
Yeah.

1212
01:14:30.944 --> 01:14:31.985
But this isn't a season.

1213
01:14:32.005 --> 01:14:33.106
You have this podcast.

1214
01:14:33.446 --> 01:14:34.807
You have work that you have to do.

1215
01:14:35.187 --> 01:14:38.010
You have people who benefit from what you say.

1216
01:14:38.730 --> 01:14:45.116
And what a unique position it is to be able to say things that people resonate with, bring it into their lives, and find value in.

1217
01:14:45.636 --> 01:14:48.859
Where are you with and in your life, honestly?

1218
01:14:49.659 --> 01:14:51.581
I think I'm very similar to you.

1219
01:14:52.361 --> 01:14:53.802
Very similar to you.

1220
01:14:54.082 --> 01:14:55.503
I'm happy with my life.

1221
01:14:56.904 --> 01:15:08.753
I think that sometimes I lie to myself and I say that I'm completely happy in my life because I enjoy what I do so much.

1222
01:15:10.373 --> 01:15:19.517
but there's so much more that I, and family is the one thing that comes to mind when I think like, how can you say you're happy in your life when you don't even have a family, which is something that you've wanted since you were like a kid.

1223
01:15:20.677 --> 01:15:26.219
I like my parents, my parents still around, but I mean like my own family, my own kids.

1224
01:15:26.620 --> 01:15:38.324
So I think that it's easy for me to, you know, lie to myself and say that I'm happy in my life, but it's, it's because it's all short term satisfaction.

1225
01:15:40.050 --> 01:15:45.839
Like, you know, the idea is if you think about yourself at 80 or 90,

1226
01:15:47.227 --> 01:15:50.248
You look back at your life, would you regret not doing something?

1227
01:15:50.368 --> 01:15:52.709
And I would regret not having a family, not having kids.

1228
01:15:53.009 --> 01:15:55.690
But in the moment, it's very easy to forget.

1229
01:15:56.970 --> 01:15:58.931
You know, oh, well, I can do another work trip.

1230
01:15:58.971 --> 01:15:59.751
I can make some money here.

1231
01:15:59.771 --> 01:16:01.132
I can meet this cool person.

1232
01:16:01.572 --> 01:16:02.172
Yeah, for sure.

1233
01:16:02.332 --> 01:16:05.993
So, you know, it wasn't an easy answer to your question, but none of these topics are easy, really.

1234
01:16:06.334 --> 01:16:10.975
So I feel like there's days where I'm happy in my life, but then I realize that it's very short-sighted.

1235
01:16:11.095 --> 01:16:12.956
You know what I'm beginning to realize is...

1236
01:16:13.796 --> 01:16:16.617
The happiness in my life, I think it's also perspective.

1237
01:16:16.717 --> 01:16:19.498
I think this is where you and I might differ a little bit.

1238
01:16:19.518 --> 01:16:25.480
I think I'm a little too busy to really absorb the happiness that exists.

1239
01:16:25.500 --> 01:16:26.181
I had a thought.

1240
01:16:26.361 --> 01:16:28.661
I was in Martha's Vineyard a few weeks ago and I had a thought.

1241
01:16:29.502 --> 01:16:32.503
Just a moment of clarity, just able to come up and breathe for a second.

1242
01:16:32.523 --> 01:16:35.124
I was like, man, what if life never gets better than this?

1243
01:16:35.764 --> 01:16:36.464
What if this is it?

1244
01:16:37.085 --> 01:16:38.005
I'm waiting for better.

1245
01:16:38.485 --> 01:16:46.069
What if I'm in it right now and I don't have the space or the latitude to see and appreciate that?

1246
01:16:46.730 --> 01:16:53.273
So I think the happiness in my life or like thereof isn't really because it doesn't exist.

1247
01:16:53.813 --> 01:16:55.954
I just don't think I'm in a mindset to appreciate it.

1248
01:16:56.594 --> 01:16:59.596
And that's why I film so much, because I know I look back one day, I was like,

1249
01:16:59.696 --> 01:17:01.037
Man, look how little my kids were.

1250
01:17:01.498 --> 01:17:06.763
Look how I was able to, you know, spend time going fishing trips with my frat brothers.

1251
01:17:07.204 --> 01:17:08.465
Look, I was able to do those things.

1252
01:17:08.545 --> 01:17:10.267
I don't know if that'll always be my reality.

1253
01:17:10.587 --> 01:17:11.448
Even my physicality.

1254
01:17:11.488 --> 01:17:12.189
I love to walk.

1255
01:17:12.509 --> 01:17:16.313
Man, look how I walked down the street and saw Scott.

1256
01:17:16.333 --> 01:17:20.658
And then we walked up and and I was able to do all these things and move my body that way.

1257
01:17:20.698 --> 01:17:22.460
That's not always going to be my reality.

1258
01:17:23.120 --> 01:17:27.882
So I think it's also a matter of perspective that I still have to mature into.

1259
01:17:28.082 --> 01:17:30.922
But I have the tools and I'm implementing the tools.

1260
01:17:31.403 --> 01:17:32.603
It's just it's a time thing.

1261
01:17:32.623 --> 01:17:33.623
It's time under tension.

1262
01:17:34.023 --> 01:17:35.424
I just haven't put in the hours yet.

1263
01:17:36.384 --> 01:17:38.525
When I say that I'm happy in my life right now.

1264
01:17:40.165 --> 01:17:42.446
I think because two things can be true at the same time.

1265
01:17:44.178 --> 01:17:47.540
I think that you should love what you're doing every single day.

1266
01:17:48.621 --> 01:17:52.924
But I think, you know, said simply, I think you should have a bigger North Star and always moving towards that.

1267
01:17:54.425 --> 01:17:55.686
I think that's the thing.

1268
01:17:55.726 --> 01:17:57.627
Like, you can be happy in your life right now.

1269
01:17:59.762 --> 01:18:01.943
but know that this isn't going to be your life forever.

1270
01:18:01.963 --> 01:18:03.264
So appreciate it.

1271
01:18:03.705 --> 01:18:11.890
Don't be upset that your life isn't something else, but know that your life can and will be something else in the future.

1272
01:18:12.950 --> 01:18:19.555
I like that duality because I don't want to be doing this and be upset that I don't have kids yet.

1273
01:18:20.415 --> 01:18:27.540
I'm being ungrateful for the opportunity that I have right now to sit down with incredible people like yourself and create content that helps millions of people.

1274
01:18:28.521 --> 01:18:29.762
I don't want to be ungrateful for that.

1275
01:18:30.682 --> 01:18:33.684
But I also don't want this just to be the only thing I ever do.

1276
01:18:33.925 --> 01:18:37.107
That's the brilliance of it all is there's still so much time.

1277
01:18:37.567 --> 01:18:38.808
You know, they always say life is short.

1278
01:18:38.848 --> 01:18:39.929
I don't know.

1279
01:18:40.289 --> 01:18:45.613
It can't be cut short at any moment, but there's so many opportunities.

1280
01:18:45.973 --> 01:18:48.475
I'm sure your life now is different than it was five years ago.

1281
01:18:48.715 --> 01:18:52.418
Bro, my life now is different than it was like last week, three months ago.

1282
01:18:52.658 --> 01:18:54.059
And it changes exponentially.

1283
01:18:54.159 --> 01:18:59.563
You know, it's it's not one, two, three, four is one, two, four, eight, 16, 32.

1284
01:19:00.023 --> 01:19:09.790
So who's to say what the next three or four years will look like and how you have to adjust to what that level of happiness looks like or how you extract the happiness from those moments.

1285
01:19:10.591 --> 01:19:12.292
It's all a matter of perspective, man.

1286
01:19:12.938 --> 01:19:16.100
I just learned this when I was researching all the great work you've done.

1287
01:19:16.120 --> 01:19:22.783
So VP Harris called you and asked you to help with mental health initiatives for the White House, which is wild.

1288
01:19:22.923 --> 01:19:23.544
Crazy.

1289
01:19:23.884 --> 01:19:36.710
I guess my question is, it's a huge honor, but your message obviously hits home with so many people in such a meaningful way.

1290
01:19:37.391 --> 01:19:39.392
And we've danced around the idea of...

1291
01:19:40.738 --> 01:19:46.402
You know, there's a lot of people to try and help somebody overcome problems with self-improvement.

1292
01:19:47.343 --> 01:20:02.135
What is different about your message that hits almost so many people to the point where, you know, the vice president of the United States is thinking, hey, this is a new way to look at.

1293
01:20:04.038 --> 01:20:07.800
self-help, mental health, personal development that we haven't seen before.

1294
01:20:07.840 --> 01:20:10.001
And I want you to teach the country.

1295
01:20:10.461 --> 01:20:11.841
Shit, that was a crazy moment.

1296
01:20:11.881 --> 01:20:12.882
Have you thought about this though?

1297
01:20:12.902 --> 01:20:14.102
Like what's different about your message?

1298
01:20:14.122 --> 01:20:16.363
Because you're conical, no, but you have to do it.

1299
01:20:16.443 --> 01:20:22.286
Like you have to, because if you don't understand why your message is different, like.

1300
01:20:24.498 --> 01:20:25.419
That's the secret.

1301
01:20:25.479 --> 01:20:38.011
That's what, like, there's something about what you teach that helps people in a way that most people, they don't communicate, like they don't communicate it that way or the message doesn't resonate with the audience.

1302
01:20:38.031 --> 01:20:41.935
Like there's something, there's a nuance in how you communicate.

1303
01:20:42.836 --> 01:20:43.956
So I don't.

1304
01:20:44.256 --> 01:20:48.978
My wife always says that I'm completely oblivious to what makes me special.

1305
01:20:49.358 --> 01:20:51.579
It's a good thing, because if you knew you'd be an asshole.

1306
01:20:53.539 --> 01:20:55.160
I mean, so I listen.

1307
01:20:55.500 --> 01:20:57.180
I'm aware of what's going on.

1308
01:20:57.200 --> 01:21:03.322
I think it just may be people use the word authenticity, which always is a little awkward to me.

1309
01:21:03.722 --> 01:21:07.923
because I think I don't understand the aversion to authenticity.

1310
01:21:08.563 --> 01:21:13.705
But I think it's the fact that I don't I don't try to come off as I'm as if I'm better than anyone.

1311
01:21:14.665 --> 01:21:16.246
I meant my mistakes out loud.

1312
01:21:16.326 --> 01:21:19.346
I think one of my other biggest gripes was with self-help, man.

1313
01:21:19.386 --> 01:21:21.027
We're really crapping all over the self-help.

1314
01:21:21.047 --> 01:21:21.447
It's all good.

1315
01:21:21.847 --> 01:21:23.729
I hope John, but we're in it.

1316
01:21:23.829 --> 01:21:26.731
Yeah, I can talk about my people.

1317
01:21:26.871 --> 01:21:31.816
You know, one of the things that frustrates me is people tell these mountaintop stories and they only tell you their success stories.

1318
01:21:32.156 --> 01:21:38.481
When they already planted their flag at the summit of the mountain, they never tell the stories while they're still in the muck, in the messy middle.

1319
01:21:39.001 --> 01:21:42.644
And there's a part of that to me that feels very disingenuous.

1320
01:21:42.665 --> 01:21:43.265
Yeah.

1321
01:21:44.006 --> 01:21:46.407
It comes across as, hey, I've already figured everything out.

1322
01:21:46.427 --> 01:21:50.030
So let me show you how to figure everything out because I have all the answers and solutions.

1323
01:21:50.390 --> 01:21:55.995
I will be the first one to tell you I do not have all the answers to all the problems in the world.

1324
01:21:56.235 --> 01:22:02.599
But what I do have is the skills and the tools and the capabilities to be able to look at things and make an honest assessment.

1325
01:22:02.820 --> 01:22:05.502
I have the ability to be self-aware and self-honest.

1326
01:22:06.162 --> 01:22:10.045
And not just tell myself a convenient truth, but tell myself the reality that lives in front of me.

1327
01:22:10.425 --> 01:22:12.827
And I don't I don't preach that to people.

1328
01:22:12.847 --> 01:22:13.848
I just invite you in.

1329
01:22:14.348 --> 01:22:15.329
It's in therapy.

1330
01:22:15.349 --> 01:22:16.090
There's a difference.

1331
01:22:16.210 --> 01:22:22.835
There's a there's a top down where I just like pour all this information in and you just kind of got to drink it up.

1332
01:22:23.095 --> 01:22:29.499
But then there's this this this approach I use, which is called a bottom up, which is like think of like an aquarium that you fill in from the bottom.

1333
01:22:29.840 --> 01:22:31.021
Everything just kind of lifts.

1334
01:22:31.661 --> 01:22:38.507
It's a less disruptive, more eye-level way of helping people through challenges.

1335
01:22:38.547 --> 01:22:39.948
And I think people pick up on it.

1336
01:22:40.229 --> 01:22:43.091
Yeah, because I was thinking about somebody picking up this book.

1337
01:22:43.111 --> 01:22:45.153
They've already tried affirmations.

1338
01:22:45.173 --> 01:22:46.594
They've already tried journaling.

1339
01:22:46.654 --> 01:22:47.475
And all the things.

1340
01:22:47.595 --> 01:22:48.336
Meditation.

1341
01:22:49.477 --> 01:22:52.980
What's the thing that they're going to get out of this book that they've never tried before?

1342
01:22:54.580 --> 01:23:04.467
I think the ability to be more comfortable in the pausing and the evaluating of what's going on, I think it's going to be the ability to step.

1343
01:23:04.567 --> 01:23:07.829
I would like to say ideally step away from shame, blame and guilt.

1344
01:23:08.309 --> 01:23:12.292
But honestly, it's the ability to see it coming and maneuver around it.

1345
01:23:12.752 --> 01:23:16.676
To know that it's not helpful, even though it takes a lot of your awareness.

1346
01:23:16.856 --> 01:23:19.718
It's the ability to say out loud, you know what?

1347
01:23:19.858 --> 01:23:21.860
I'm avoiding something right now.

1348
01:23:22.060 --> 01:23:22.721
I'm avoiding it.

1349
01:23:22.761 --> 01:23:26.384
I don't want to talk about it right now, but I promise myself I'm going to come back to it.

1350
01:23:26.725 --> 01:23:34.852
I think it's saying the uncomfortable and the embarrassing thing out loud to yourself without minimizing or diminishing yourself in the progress, in the process.

1351
01:23:35.312 --> 01:23:44.179
What's the advice that somebody should take from a 60 second reel versus a book versus a YouTube video versus a 60 minute therapy session?

1352
01:23:44.919 --> 01:23:45.339
What do you mean?

1353
01:23:45.580 --> 01:23:46.360
Explain that to me.

1354
01:23:46.881 --> 01:23:51.684
Is there some things in your life that you should dive deeper into and shouldn't take advice from social media?

1355
01:23:52.044 --> 01:23:53.045
But what are those things?

1356
01:23:53.085 --> 01:23:57.228
Because in the world of social media, there is no clear line.

1357
01:23:57.528 --> 01:23:59.009
No, it's scattershot.

1358
01:23:59.029 --> 01:24:03.793
People are getting the, you know, grieving advice from a 45 second reel.

1359
01:24:05.779 --> 01:24:13.802
And people are getting, well, I'd say the end goal is a one-on-one sit-down with somebody who's actually trained to help you through the problem that you're trying to solve.

1360
01:24:14.342 --> 01:24:18.144
And you sit down with them for 60 minutes, you know, once a week, twice a week for a period of time.

1361
01:24:18.164 --> 01:24:19.424
That's when you can actually get some work done.

1362
01:24:20.465 --> 01:24:27.287
But people are using social media in, you know, as a replacement for like real work.

1363
01:24:27.828 --> 01:24:31.249
So there's some things that are good and should be and can be taught on social.

1364
01:24:31.369 --> 01:24:33.090
But I think that this is another bit of...

1365
01:24:33.850 --> 01:24:41.937
you know, is also around the conversation of like, how do people use the different parts of your work for different parts of their life and different parts of their problems?

1366
01:24:41.977 --> 01:24:43.599
I think from a 60 second reel,

1367
01:24:44.998 --> 01:24:46.879
Just something that inspires you to think differently.

1368
01:24:48.379 --> 01:24:52.701
Something that gives you a perspective that you didn't consider otherwise.

1369
01:24:52.841 --> 01:24:55.482
I think that's what those quick hits are good for.

1370
01:24:55.822 --> 01:24:58.964
You said something about who to follow, who to listen to on social media.

1371
01:24:59.304 --> 01:25:00.344
I think you got to be careful.

1372
01:25:00.824 --> 01:25:06.987
Does the content capture your awareness and agree with the things you already want to believe are true or the things you believe are true?

1373
01:25:07.967 --> 01:25:11.909
Or does the content actually help you once you cut it off?

1374
01:25:11.949 --> 01:25:17.011
It didn't just give you a perspective you already had, but it challenged you to shift your thinking a little bit.

1375
01:25:17.031 --> 01:25:19.012
I think that's something really important to ask yourself.

1376
01:25:19.312 --> 01:25:20.353
Also, who's talking to me?

1377
01:25:20.433 --> 01:25:21.033
Who are you?

1378
01:25:21.413 --> 01:25:22.534
What credentials do you have?

1379
01:25:22.554 --> 01:25:23.834
Where else have you spoken?

1380
01:25:24.174 --> 01:25:27.856
How are you practicing these things in your own life while you're telling me what to do?

1381
01:25:28.376 --> 01:25:29.796
Very important questions to ask.

1382
01:25:30.197 --> 01:25:35.598
But in a session is different because Instagram content is meant to captivate you in a moment.

1383
01:25:35.918 --> 01:25:39.899
The session is meant to gather information and help you through a guided process.

1384
01:25:40.319 --> 01:25:42.100
Therapy is a guided process.

1385
01:25:42.160 --> 01:25:47.602
Something that's therapeutic helps you feel better, helps you cope, helps you regulate.

1386
01:25:47.802 --> 01:25:49.442
You know, the gym is therapeutic.

1387
01:25:49.822 --> 01:25:50.762
It's not therapy.

1388
01:25:51.143 --> 01:25:52.323
Music is therapeutic.

1389
01:25:52.983 --> 01:25:55.426
It's not therapy, a massage, all these things.

1390
01:25:55.486 --> 01:25:57.148
It's not a guided process for you.

1391
01:25:57.749 --> 01:26:01.634
So I think the outcomes are different and the process is a lot slower.

1392
01:26:02.174 --> 01:26:07.060
Your first session with me, you're not going to walk away feeling like, oh man, I have so many different things to think about.

1393
01:26:07.100 --> 01:26:07.981
It's an intake session.

1394
01:26:08.001 --> 01:26:09.984
I'm trying to figure out how your mom loved you.

1395
01:26:10.324 --> 01:26:13.306
Try to try and figure out what your dad's definition of discipline was.

1396
01:26:13.326 --> 01:26:14.126
Where did you grow up?

1397
01:26:14.587 --> 01:26:16.828
How do people see themselves where you grew up?

1398
01:26:17.148 --> 01:26:18.689
How do you what happens when you get angry?

1399
01:26:18.729 --> 01:26:19.710
What happens when you get sad?

1400
01:26:19.730 --> 01:26:21.111
What happens when you're happy?

1401
01:26:21.471 --> 01:26:23.572
I'm trying to figure out all these things about you.

1402
01:26:23.632 --> 01:26:25.714
So it's not as much of the quick hit.

1403
01:26:25.794 --> 01:26:29.576
It's more of the the the long term investment.

1404
01:26:29.656 --> 01:26:33.899
You know, it's every time you invest money, you don't you don't see a return on it.

1405
01:26:34.499 --> 01:26:38.340
In two days, some of your investments take decades to pay off.

1406
01:26:38.500 --> 01:26:42.020
Don't replace therapy and real work with Instagram reels.

1407
01:26:42.421 --> 01:26:43.681
No, no, you can't.

1408
01:26:43.981 --> 01:26:47.762
But you say it like it's so obvious because you're in this space, but I think a lot of people.

1409
01:26:47.782 --> 01:26:48.462
A lot of people that do.

1410
01:26:48.522 --> 01:26:48.802
Yeah.

1411
01:26:48.922 --> 01:26:51.022
And I think I underestimate how many people do.

1412
01:26:52.402 --> 01:27:00.204
But the Instagram reels, who is this person that's talking to you and what do they want for you specifically?

1413
01:27:00.584 --> 01:27:01.464
They don't know you.

1414
01:27:01.504 --> 01:27:05.126
It's very easy to feed you hollow validations to make you feel better about yourself.

1415
01:27:05.146 --> 01:27:06.066
You're going to keep coming back.

1416
01:27:06.386 --> 01:27:08.127
I'm selling you honey, of course.

1417
01:27:08.567 --> 01:27:15.049
But something that gives you a not just tells you something, but actually can give you feedback.

1418
01:27:15.109 --> 01:27:19.430
It listens to you, considers what you said and then give you feedback.

1419
01:27:19.450 --> 01:27:21.031
Instagram real can't do that.

1420
01:27:21.471 --> 01:27:25.655
You know, a lot of people starting to use AI for therapy and they're a million different ways.

1421
01:27:25.795 --> 01:27:37.644
There are a million different reasons why, but even AI systems can't do that the same way a therapist can, a living, breathing human that doesn't just see you, doesn't just hear you, doesn't just process you, but they experience you in real time.

1422
01:27:38.205 --> 01:27:46.612
A lot of the success on anyone's journey is to a degree dependent on the people around them, their friends, their family, their spouse, their therapist.

1423
01:27:48.807 --> 01:27:54.927
I want you to give people one last bit of advice on how to build, not how to build the right group around you, because some people...

1424
01:27:56.065 --> 01:27:56.766
you're not changing.

1425
01:27:56.786 --> 01:27:59.427
You're not going to change your spouse, hopefully, God forbid, on this journey.

1426
01:27:59.447 --> 01:28:00.728
Maybe you change a couple friends here or there.

1427
01:28:00.768 --> 01:28:03.610
Maybe you change a therapist, but not everybody can just swap in and swap out.

1428
01:28:03.630 --> 01:28:05.652
You can't change your parents, your brother, your sister, your family.

1429
01:28:06.052 --> 01:28:08.674
Nor should you always move to do that.

1430
01:28:09.114 --> 01:28:15.298
But if you are on this journey, a lot of your success is dependent to a degree on the people you surround yourself with.

1431
01:28:15.338 --> 01:28:20.382
So I want advice from you on how to speak to the people

1432
01:28:21.262 --> 01:28:23.864
that you surround yourself with?

1433
01:28:24.124 --> 01:28:27.066
How should they, like, how should they give you feedback?

1434
01:28:27.447 --> 01:28:33.711
How should they, because a lot of times I think that people are with a group of, you know, friends, family who just say yes to everything.

1435
01:28:34.272 --> 01:28:35.973
Say, you know, you're good, you're perfect.

1436
01:28:36.253 --> 01:28:37.274
We love you the way you are.

1437
01:28:38.115 --> 01:28:39.456
And I don't think that helps anybody.

1438
01:28:39.996 --> 01:28:41.177
So I guess sort of two things.

1439
01:28:41.777 --> 01:28:44.519
How do you communicate with the people closest to you?

1440
01:28:45.940 --> 01:28:55.908
on how to interact with you so you can heal, you can get to the level that you want to get to or wherever you want to go, but also how do you choose the right therapist to help you on your journey as well?

1441
01:28:56.368 --> 01:28:57.289
Ooh, all right.

1442
01:28:57.409 --> 01:29:01.932
Let's deal with the people before the therapist because the therapist is the more complicated answer, I think.

1443
01:29:02.913 --> 01:29:05.655
With the people around you, there are many different tools.

1444
01:29:05.755 --> 01:29:07.957
This is a quick tool that I will give you.

1445
01:29:09.077 --> 01:29:11.279
Monitor your reaction carefully.

1446
01:29:11.379 --> 01:29:22.208
to things that you hear that are uncomfortable because sometimes people will only be as honest with you as you indicate that you're ready for.

1447
01:29:22.808 --> 01:29:29.394
If every time I'm honest with you, even when it's uncomfortable for you, you lash back out at me or you disappear for a while

1448
01:29:30.294 --> 01:29:31.656
Or you kind of fast talk.

1449
01:29:31.696 --> 01:29:33.017
Oh, yeah, I was already thinking about that.

1450
01:29:33.037 --> 01:29:34.178
I already made a few of those changes.

1451
01:29:34.198 --> 01:29:35.419
You just you didn't see it yet.

1452
01:29:35.499 --> 01:29:37.741
And you just fast talking through the response.

1453
01:29:37.981 --> 01:29:45.087
You're not taking the feedback, internalizing it, pausing and say, oh, let me let me sit with that while I try to do something valuable with it.

1454
01:29:46.088 --> 01:29:51.092
Monitor what your reaction is when you hear things about yourself that make you uncomfortable that you don't agree with.

1455
01:29:52.072 --> 01:29:55.853
I think that's a really good tool because, again, it norms the audience around you.

1456
01:29:55.873 --> 01:29:56.973
And I talk about this in the book.

1457
01:29:57.494 --> 01:30:02.015
It norms people on what is and isn't OK, how honest to be with you.

1458
01:30:02.935 --> 01:30:04.195
And of course, it is a foolproof.

1459
01:30:04.215 --> 01:30:06.156
People who want to lie to you are going to lie to you.

1460
01:30:06.416 --> 01:30:08.296
But we're talking about the closest people around you.

1461
01:30:08.616 --> 01:30:10.617
They're going to go off of your behavior a lot of times.

1462
01:30:11.177 --> 01:30:12.357
And it's uncomfortable.

1463
01:30:12.417 --> 01:30:14.578
And I know no one's going to want to hear this.

1464
01:30:14.958 --> 01:30:17.279
But try to become an easier person to tell the truth, too.

1465
01:30:18.379 --> 01:30:21.640
No one deserves to be lied to, but try to become an easier person to tell the truth to.

1466
01:30:22.101 --> 01:30:23.541
How to find the right therapist.

1467
01:30:27.603 --> 01:30:29.103
I mean, I'm better off asking you.

1468
01:30:29.424 --> 01:30:33.085
I'm better off answering how to find the perfect romantic partner.

1469
01:30:33.105 --> 01:30:34.846
It's a very similar process.

1470
01:30:35.406 --> 01:30:37.127
I think it's experiential.

1471
01:30:37.947 --> 01:30:38.467
Two things.

1472
01:30:38.607 --> 01:30:41.308
One, finding the right therapist is different than finding the right doctor.

1473
01:30:41.348 --> 01:30:44.870
I don't care about my doctor's bedside manner if they can find cancer early.

1474
01:30:45.390 --> 01:30:46.431
You know, I don't care.

1475
01:30:46.931 --> 01:30:52.095
I don't care if you're an asshole, if you can detect liver failure before anybody else does.

1476
01:30:52.576 --> 01:30:53.977
That's never going to work for a therapist.

1477
01:30:54.417 --> 01:31:00.562
Your candor, your attitude, your body position, the weight, the thing you do with your face when I'm talking, all that's going to matter.

1478
01:31:00.902 --> 01:31:03.044
So I think you have to identify what matters to you.

1479
01:31:03.745 --> 01:31:12.812
I don't think you always need a therapist that looks exactly like you, not your same race, not your same religion, not your same gender, even though cultural competency matters.

1480
01:31:12.852 --> 01:31:14.413
I'm not saying that it doesn't, but you don't.

1481
01:31:14.533 --> 01:31:16.133
Always need a therapist that looks like you.

1482
01:31:16.474 --> 01:31:18.094
And look, you all grow your therapist sometimes.

1483
01:31:18.714 --> 01:31:29.637
You can have a therapist for one season in your life, see them for three years, and then what you came in there for, you're better able to manage and you need something else that might not be their ministry, might not be within their wheelhouse.

1484
01:31:30.317 --> 01:31:32.098
So just being open to all of those things.

1485
01:31:32.138 --> 01:31:35.159
But you have to try a therapist to know whether or not they work for you.

1486
01:31:35.419 --> 01:31:39.740
Is it too simple to say, like, if it's the right fit, you just know it's the right fit?

1487
01:31:40.190 --> 01:31:45.971
Yeah, that might be a little bit of an oversimplification because sometimes it starts a little rough and it may not feel like the right fit.

1488
01:31:46.011 --> 01:31:49.172
And around session number five, it starts to feel like the right fit.

1489
01:31:49.752 --> 01:31:50.953
Or I'm a therapist.

1490
01:31:51.093 --> 01:31:52.173
I'm not a mind reader.

1491
01:31:52.313 --> 01:32:01.015
If I'm doing something that you don't like, a lot of people don't feel comfortable enough in therapy to stop and say, hey, Keir, when you respond to me that way, it throws me off a little bit.

1492
01:32:01.795 --> 01:32:03.396
My response would be, oh, I'm so sorry.

1493
01:32:03.416 --> 01:32:04.176
I didn't realize that.

1494
01:32:04.196 --> 01:32:05.256
Let's do this a different way.

1495
01:32:05.696 --> 01:32:06.777
That's really uncomfortable.

1496
01:32:06.817 --> 01:32:08.838
Most people just go to the therapist and never come back.

1497
01:32:09.598 --> 01:32:12.939
So also speaking up for yourself in session when things aren't going on.

1498
01:32:13.199 --> 01:32:15.880
You know, I thought that I feel a little different than I feel right now.

1499
01:32:15.900 --> 01:32:19.301
Can we talk about our therapist-client relationship really quickly?

1500
01:32:19.621 --> 01:32:21.502
Most people don't know that they can do that type of thing.

1501
01:32:21.602 --> 01:32:26.584
And that lack of self-confidence really hurts in all parts of your life.

1502
01:32:26.884 --> 01:32:27.084
Mm-hmm.

1503
01:32:28.516 --> 01:32:28.756
Mm-hmm.

1504
01:32:28.856 --> 01:32:30.017
I'm just thinking about that now.

1505
01:32:30.037 --> 01:32:31.618
Like, everything, every relationship.

1506
01:32:31.958 --> 01:32:32.138
Yeah.

1507
01:32:32.938 --> 01:32:48.947
Like, being confident enough to tell your parents, your spouse, that they should be honest with you, being confident enough to sort of protect your boundaries, being confident enough to tell your therapist that you don't like the way... That lack of confidence is a motherfucker.

1508
01:32:49.167 --> 01:32:51.548
It is, but it's also a little bit of fear.

1509
01:32:51.628 --> 01:32:52.468
It's apprehension.

1510
01:32:52.528 --> 01:32:54.189
You don't know what the response is going to be.

1511
01:32:54.209 --> 01:32:54.930
I feel like...

1512
01:32:55.750 --> 01:32:59.092
I don't know if I'll characterize it as confidence, but I don't know a better word.

1513
01:32:59.192 --> 01:33:00.893
So it'll be confidence adjacent.

1514
01:33:01.353 --> 01:33:02.594
But you have to practice that.

1515
01:33:03.054 --> 01:33:04.715
Like that isn't something you're just born with.

1516
01:33:04.735 --> 01:33:06.436
That's something you develop over time.

1517
01:33:06.456 --> 01:33:13.361
You have to find a window of bravery, not when you feel perfectly ready, but when you feel more ready than you did before.

1518
01:33:13.881 --> 01:33:16.923
Like you have to in the book, I talk about saying no.

1519
01:33:17.063 --> 01:33:19.064
People always like, oh, I'm going to set my boundaries.

1520
01:33:19.384 --> 01:33:20.585
I'm going to tell everybody no.

1521
01:33:20.605 --> 01:33:20.785
No.

1522
01:33:21.005 --> 01:33:21.505
No, you're not.

1523
01:33:22.045 --> 01:33:23.706
Like, that's very hard.

1524
01:33:23.966 --> 01:33:25.406
Let's practice telling people no.

1525
01:33:25.426 --> 01:33:28.227
So when the guy in the mall walks up, says, hey, you want the spray of cologne?

1526
01:33:28.347 --> 01:33:28.587
No.

1527
01:33:29.127 --> 01:33:29.988
Hey, can I clean your shoes?

1528
01:33:30.048 --> 01:33:30.288
No.

1529
01:33:30.528 --> 01:33:31.248
Knocking on your door.

1530
01:33:31.808 --> 01:33:33.008
Hi, would you like to buy solar?

1531
01:33:33.148 --> 01:33:33.389
No.

1532
01:33:34.029 --> 01:33:40.171
You tell people you start practicing no in these inconsequential moments so that when the bigger moments come up, you have the reps.

1533
01:33:40.431 --> 01:33:42.591
It's not saying that you always perfectly do it.

1534
01:33:42.951 --> 01:33:44.392
The goal is not to do it perfectly.

1535
01:33:44.452 --> 01:33:48.613
The goal is to increase the likelihood that we demonstrate the behavior when time comes.

1536
01:33:48.953 --> 01:34:03.859
here um where can people connect with you where people get the book um we're gonna put all the things all the links in the show notes too but it's out now so it all starts when you do amazon everywhere else you get your books where can they connect you to instagram website all that

1537
01:34:03.999 --> 01:34:05.020
Yeah, Instagram.

1538
01:34:05.360 --> 01:34:08.282
My name is Kier Gaines, K-I-E-R-G-A-I-N-E-S.

1539
01:34:08.543 --> 01:34:09.603
I always have to spell it out.

1540
01:34:09.763 --> 01:34:13.266
I'm the same on Instagram, TikTok, wherever you find me, all the socials.

1541
01:34:13.346 --> 01:34:15.568
Instagram is where I mainly post.

1542
01:34:15.708 --> 01:34:17.690
I have a podcast called Learn the Hard Way.

1543
01:34:17.770 --> 01:34:18.871
You can find me there.

1544
01:34:19.931 --> 01:34:22.433
And yeah, the book, it all starts when you do.

1545
01:34:22.573 --> 01:34:24.435
This is not some way to support me.

1546
01:34:24.495 --> 01:34:26.997
This is a brilliant way for you to support yourself.

1547
01:34:28.037 --> 01:34:39.242
It comes out September 1st, and I think it'll be a really great tool whether you're in therapy, whether you have been in therapy before, or whether you think therapy is complete bullshit.

1548
01:34:39.322 --> 01:34:42.963
I think it's an excellent tool for you to take the next progressive step to where you want to be.

1549
01:34:43.103 --> 01:34:45.964
I need you to drop one last bit of wisdom for the audience.

1550
01:34:46.145 --> 01:34:47.285
I'm actually going to ask you two more things.

1551
01:34:47.365 --> 01:34:47.625
Okay.

1552
01:34:48.926 --> 01:34:54.568
First question is, if you could go back and tell your 20-year-old self one piece of advice...

1553
01:34:55.178 --> 01:35:00.659
If I could tell my 20 year old self something, it would be remain flexible.

1554
01:35:01.540 --> 01:35:02.760
Strength is flexibility.

1555
01:35:03.260 --> 01:35:03.920
Stay flexible.

1556
01:35:03.940 --> 01:35:06.381
When things change, stay the course.

1557
01:35:06.701 --> 01:35:08.261
Follow your heart and believe in yourself.

1558
01:35:09.442 --> 01:35:14.203
And if you could only pass on one bit of advice to your kids, the most important.

1559
01:35:14.283 --> 01:35:26.689
You know, nothing in this world is more important than looking at the person in the mirror and finding a sense of satisfaction with the person staring back at you.

1560
01:35:27.289 --> 01:35:30.770
If you can look in the mirror and I'm not saying you have to completely love yourself.

1561
01:35:31.271 --> 01:35:40.655
I'm saying if you can feel a profound sense of satisfaction for who you are, who you're becoming and who you've always been, that is the definition of success.