Lessons - The Four Personality Types That Explain Why You Can't Stick to Anything | Gretchen Rubin - NYT Bestselling Author of The Four Tendencies

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In this lessons episode, discover how understanding personal tendencies can reveal why people respond differently to expectations.

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Learn how the four tendencies shape habits, motivation, and relationships.

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Explore why self-awareness helps work with natural strengths and weaknesses.

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And uncover practical ways to use that knowledge to create better systems for personal growth.

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First of all, if you even know what any of these tests are good for you, because that's already a level of self-awareness that I don't even think enough people pay attention to.

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I knew of these tests.

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I mean, DISC is a very common hiring test, right?

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Now people use Myers-Briggs as well.

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But I think that just having these tools at your disposal.

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and being able to look inside and understand how you operate in this world I think is very important.

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It's so powerful.

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Because you're not leaving life to chance.

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You know exactly what scenarios you should be putting yourself in, removing yourself from, who you can work with, how you operate, how you work, what stresses you out, what makes you happy, what makes you not so happy.

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I think these are great tools.

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I mean, so I want you to just walk through, if you can, like the four tendencies, what they are at a high level,

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So people can start to wrap their mind around and they're going to listen to it.

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Oh, that's me.

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That's me.

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That's not me.

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And so on.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Listen to all four before you decide what you are.

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So I'm going to describe it.

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And the truth is most people will know exactly what they are from this brief description.

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But if you want to take a quiz that will spit out an answer and give you a report, you can go to GretchenRubin.com slash quiz.

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Again, like three million people have taken this quiz.

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It's free.

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But again, I'll just describe it briefly.

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Most people will know what they are.

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And I will say this is be honest, because sometimes people sort of answer the way they wish they were.

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But this is all of these tendencies have include people who are wildly successful and also people who struggle.

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They all have strengths and weaknesses.

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So, you know, be honest.

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OK, so what the four tendencies looks at is how you respond to expectations.

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And we all face two kinds of expectations.

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Outer expectations like a work deadline, an inner expectation like a request from a friend, no, like a work deadline, an inner expectation like your own desire to keep a New Year's resolution.

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So depending on whether you meet or resist outer and inner expectations, that's what makes you an upholder, a questioner, an obliger, or a rebel.

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So upholders are people who readily meet both outer and inner expectations.

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So they meet the work deadline.

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They keep the New Year's resolution without much fuss.

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They're very focused on execution.

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They love schedules and to-do lists.

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They don't need a lot of supervision.

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They're very disciplined.

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They, once they make up their mind to do something, they'll do it.

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They tend to love, like, we're doing rules.

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So their motto is, discipline is my freedom.

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Then there are questioners.

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Questioners question all expectations.

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They'll do something if they think it makes sense.

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So they're making everything an inner expectation.

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If something makes sense to them, they'll do it no problem.

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If it doesn't make sense to them, they will push back.

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So they love customization.

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They love reason.

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They're always asking for more justification.

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Right.

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They can sometimes, in fact, suffer from analysis paralysis when their desire for perfect information makes it hard for them to make a decision or move forward.

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Strangely, a lot of times questioners don't like to answer questions.

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Funnily enough, they like to teach, but they don't like to be questioned themselves.

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Ironic but true, I'm married to a questioner.

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I experienced this myself.

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So their motto is, I'll comply if you convince me why.

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Then there are obligers.

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Obliger is the biggest tendency for both men and women.

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You either are an obliger or you have many obligers in your life.

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So obliger needs a lot of attention because it's a big, big category.

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Obligers readily meet outer expectations, but they struggle to meet inner expectations.

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So these are the people who say things like, why can I keep my promises to other people, but I can't keep my promises to myself?

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This is my friend on the track team.

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When she had a team and a coach waiting for her, she showed up with no problem.

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But when she was trying to go on her own, she struggled.

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These are people who talk about the problem of self-care.

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These are people who talk about why can't I make myself a priority?

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The solution, and it's a very simple solution for an obliger is even to meet an inner expectation, an obliger must have a system of outer accountability.

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If you want to read more, join a book group.

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If you want to exercise, work out with a friend who's going to be annoyed if you don't show up, pay a trainer.

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Take your dog for a run who's going to be disappointed if she doesn't get to go for a run.

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Raise money for a charity that's important to you.

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Think about your duty to be a role model to other people.

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There's a lot of ways to have outer accountability, but it has to be a form of outer accountability, even for inner expectations.

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And that's just what works for obligers.

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But the one thing is spouses and sweethearts often don't make good accountability partners for a very romantic reason.

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It's like, oh, honey, I'm so close to you that you're like me.

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And so I'm going to ignore you just the way I would ignore me.

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So you got to get that outer accountability if you were an obliger.

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Then the smallest tendency is the rebel.

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It's a conspicuous tendency, but this is the one that the fewest people fall into.

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Rebels resist outer and inner expectations alike.

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They want to do what they want to do.

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in their own way and in their own time.

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They can do anything they want to do, anything they choose to do, but if you ask them to do something, they're very likely to resist.

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And typically they don't tell themselves what to do.

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Like they don't sign up for the 10 a.m. spin class on Saturday because they think...

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I don't want to put something on my calendar.

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And just the idea that somebody is expecting me to show up is going to annoy me.

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So their motto is, you can't make me and neither can I.

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And I will say this, as you're thinking about this, if you're thinking to yourself, I question the validity of this framework.

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You're probably a questioner.

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And also, if you are thinking to yourself, I fit all four categories, I'm equally all four, that is also a questioner.

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Because what you're doing is you're saying, well, if it's appropriate to act like a rebel, I'll act like a rebel.

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But if it's appropriate to act like an upholder, I'll act like an upholder.

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Because you're saying, why would I act that way?

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That is a big sign of questioner.

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Upholders, obligers, and rebels recognize they are firmly in that tendency.

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So if you're not sure, that's a sign of questioner.

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Is there benefit to trying or is it even possible to change your category if you recognize who you are?

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Well, I don't think so.

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I don't think you can change your tendency.

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I'm a firm believer in the genetic roots of personality, and I really think that this is something that's hardwired.

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But also, I don't know why you don't need to change your tendency, because every tendency has strengths and weaknesses.

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And if you're experiencing like a downside or a limitation of your tendency, rather than trying to change your inner nature, which is very hard, if even possible, it's like fix the problem.

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So if you're an obliger, like obligers will sometimes say, well, I want to be an upholder because I want to exercise regularly.

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I'm like, well, you don't have to be an upholder to do that.

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You just have to have outer accountability to do that.

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So you understand the levers that you pull in your particular circumstance.

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Right.

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You just have to like use what you know about your tendency to get to achieve your aim for yourself.

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Um, because that's much more straightforward.

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I'm like, that's the easy solution, which is just like, get what you want.

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Don't try to change your whole personality because that's like, is that even possible?

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And like, that's not even what you want.

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You want to achieve certain, a certain aim for yourself.

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And you think, well, if I were a different tendency, it would be easier.

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Well, you just, just fix it for your tendency because all these tendencies have strengths and weaknesses.

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Why?

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How?

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How does expectation play such a big role in how we go through life?

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Just part of life.

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I mean, that's part of if you're at work, you're surrounded by expectations.

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And it just weighs on us.

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It just weighs on us.

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It forces our hand.

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But it's part of life.

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I mean, a life without expectations would be a life of meaninglessness because it would mean nobody's counting on you for anything.

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I can't even imagine what that would be.

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I mean, even...

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It's such an interesting, it's such a novel concept coming into it fresh and not living in it.

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Like, it makes so much sense when you say it, but then you don't...

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I think it's almost a little jarring to understand how much expectation, both internal and external, plays on how you navigate through life.

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Like, it's not a comfortable thought because you never think...

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I've never thought about that.

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I know expectation exists, but I've never thought about how much it impacts every little thing that I do.

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Yes.

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No, it does.

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That's true.

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Well, let's see, this goes to my point.

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Like I'm an upholder.

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So I'm part of an upholder is the second smallest.

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So Rebel is the smallest and upholder is only slightly bigger.

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We're like the fringe personality types.

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And like, as I was saying, when I was studying habits, I realized I'm not typical.

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Because I realize that when you say that about expectations, as an upholder, we're very comfortable with expectations.

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We kind of thrive on expectations.

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So for me, that's a very kind of almost reassuring way of thinking about things.

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But see, you're saying, whoa, back up.

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So this is interesting, right?

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Because it's showing that we have different perspectives.

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This is one of the I remember I was talking to somebody I hadn't come up with my framework yet.

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So I didn't know that this person was a rebel.

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But as it turns out, she's like one of my OG rebels.

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This is a super important conversation that I had with her that showed me how differently an upholder and a rebel think.

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Because when I told her I was writing a book about habits, which to me was like a super exciting and energizing topic.

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She literally took a step back for me.

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Because the idea was so loathsome to her.

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And she's like, why in the world would you volunteer to write a book about a subject that's just so awful?

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I was like, whoa, that's interesting.

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I love the idea of habits.

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To me, a life full of habits is a life of freedom and possibility.

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But you don't feel that way.

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That's interesting.

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So that was a really important conversation because I was like, whoa, there's a totally different perspective here that I hadn't realized.

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Thanks for tuning in.

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And if you want to dive deeper into this conversation, check out the links in the description to watch the full episode.

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See you in the next one.